Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Warning: Some, but not all, of this post was also on my Myspace blog. I am but one woman, yay, but I hath two blogs...

Anyway, last week I finally got to see "America's Next Top Model," which many people have told me I would love. And how right they were! My favorite model wannabes were YaYa (despite her pimples), Eva (so evil, yet perhaps just to hide the scars of a painful childhood), and the plus-sizers (naturally). There was this one girl from Miami named Tiffany who cried when she didn't make the cut because she didn't want to go back to "the hood," and this was after she'd gotten into a bottle-throwing fight at Barney's Beanery with some sorority girls one night and OMG it was so dramatic, she had a big gash on the back of her only question was: Why is it America's Next Top Model or The Hood, Tiffany? Why is there no inbetween? Say, catalog work or the makeup counter at Macy's?

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"Bitch poured beer on my weave!"

Oh, it was all so great--bitchy insults (esp. Eva to the frighteningly thin anorexic girl who claimed to be on "weight-gain shakes"), rejected models sobbing on bathroom floors with Tyra Banks comforting them, a stripper from Oklahoma trying to make good, and the biggest drama of all--one of them is legally BLIND!!! Yes, that's right, I said BLIND! Everyone was in tears when she told them--even Eva! She will be totally blind sooner or later. What if she wins and then she goes completely blind during a fashion show and she trips and falls and it's just like "Ice Castles" when Holly Lynn Johnson trips on the roses and everyone in the audience goes eerily silent? HUH? WHAT ABOUT THE ROSES?? AAAAAAH!!

Tonight was the second episode. The girls were flown to NYC, where they met Tyra on the rooftop of some building and were informed that they were about to be immediately flown to Jamaica for a bathing suit photo shoot. Why they had to tell them on a rooftop, I don't know. More drama, I guess, it's always about milking the DRAMA. They also drove around NYC a little, and became so, like, ANNOYED by wealthy 19 year-old "white girl with a tan" Kelle, who grew up in "the last gated community in New York" and works at Christies and kept talking about how rich she was and how all her friends were white. The resentment of the other model wannabes, especially the black ones, came to a fever pitch during a "pick your worst feature" confession session with Tyra. Rich Girl said she hated her big lips which she said from the side look like "monkey lips." This did NOT sit well with the other African-American ladies in the house, oh, no it did NOT. Then Plus Size told Rich Girl to her face that everyone had been talking behind her back and hated her, which led, of course, to TEARS, and Rich Girl sobbing "If people ask me what kind of pants I'm wearing, I'm going to say Gucci, I can't help it!" and somehow finding solace in the arms of Blind Girl. They are forming strange alliances left and right on this show, and I LOVE it!

Then it was off to Jamaica, and during the flight we see that Ann, the Evil White Biyatch (who is best friends with Eva, the Evil Black Biyatch) is afraid of flying and is totally co-dependent. She kept calling Eva "mommie" as she lay her head in her lap to be comforted. Spoooooky!

Then the modeling began in earnest. They put the girls, wearing bikinis and high heels, on some lava-type rocks on a beach and shouted at them to be "animalistic." AWESEOME! Some of them, like YaYa, my fave, and Plus Size, my second fave, were total naturals and could pose like they were born supermodels. Others, like almost all the rest, were floundering around on their heels and had a hard time getting their animalistic side across to THE CAMERA. I'm amazed Blind Girl was able to make it at all! Mr. Jay was shouting and shrieking, and the best line of all was from Miss J, who said very approvingly of one wannabe model's slack-bodied pose: "I am so loving the broken-doll thing." Then came the cut: Latina nursing student was OUT, I guess because she didn't have the animalistic broken-doll thing quite down. I thought she was really pretty and down-to-earth and likable, and so of course she stood no chance.

So then they sent digital pictures of the shoot to Tyra, who was shown propped up on pillows in a huge bed, looking at her laptop while tele-conferencing with Team Jamaica about the pros and cons of each wannabe. Then they flew the girls back to NYC and their enormous suite at the Waldorf-Astoria Hotel, which had been totally America's Next Top Modeled-out! They had lampshades covered with Tyra's face! The bedrooms had names like "The Couture Room"! Then came the requisite drama over who would sleep where, and with whom, and in what theme (the Indian one went for the Eastern-themed room--hee hee!) with E.W.B. Ann all upset and crying because her "mommie" Eva B.B. didn't make a fuss when it turned out they couldn't sleep in the same room. Spooooky!

Now we get to the good part: JANICE DICKERSON FINALLY SHOWED! She had been absent thus far, I guess she didn't want to demean herself with the lowly lesser-ranked wannabes. Her fake boobs were all hanging out and she looked like Cruella Deville without the white hair. They had her and some awesome guy with a funny accent and an even funnier tiny dog perched atop a wee velvet pillow in front of him, and Tyra, and some English dude, and they were all at a long table in a big room. They made each girl go up to the table and look at her best swimsuit photo and then they dissected her flaws ("It was like you were DEAD!") and Janice said to Plus Size: "You may give these skinny bitches a run for their money!" God, I looooooove nutty Janice "Everything About Me Is Fake And I'm Perfect" Dickerson!!!

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"You are way too alive and healthy! Broken doll! Broken doll!"

They kept going on and on about how DEAD E.W.B. Ann looked in her pictures, but in the end she didn't get cut, probably because the producers are no fools and know that she if she continues with her incredibly potent combination of evil white biyatchery and co-dependent nutballiness, they are looking at television GOLD. So they cut someone who was so unmemorable I don't know a thing about her except that Tyra kept telling her that her "head rhythm was off' or somesuch nonsense ("It should be tilt, roll, un-unh, but you were all roll, un-unh, tilt, tilt, TILT"--I'm paraphrasing, but you get the jist. Supermodeling is full of highly technical language and I am NOT a polyglot, except for faux French, people!).

Next week's episodes has some sort of "revelation" that could potentially expell more than one contestant, and, I'm assuming, more crying, back-stabbing, and tiny dogs on velvet pillows. I CANNOT WAIT!!!BEST SHOW EVER!!!

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