Friday, September 03, 2004

Today we have a special featurette called "Skanks Behaving Badly"---ooh goodie! First up, the IMDB reports that everyone's favorite non-entity Paris Hilton used naughty language when she became shocked, SHOCKED that a press flunkie would dare ask her about the Rick Saloman sex tape:

"Hotel heiress Paris Hilton turned the air blue while recording a series of American TV interviews Wednesday - after becoming furious over constant questions about her infamous sex tape. The Simple Life beauty, 23, threatened to walk out on the chats, arranged to promote her new jewelry line, after becoming infuriated when reporters switched the focus onto her colorful private life. Hilton was left red-faced when a tape featuring her having drunken sex with ex-lover Rick Salomon was leaked on the internet earlier this year . And when another interviewer quizzed her over the incident, Paris really let rip. She shouted, 'People keep asking me about the sex tape I'm really getting p***ed off. It's really f***** up, because we're live on TV and I was ready to walk off the set just now - It's really rude! If one more person asks me I'm gonna get up and walk away.'"

I really want to snag me some Paris Hilton jewelry, because I am, you know, one classy dame. I believe there is a pink sparkly necklace that spells out the word "Annoying Ho," and that's the one I'm after. Price is no object. And dear lord, is she only 23 years old? How many more years do we have to endure? Too many, ultimately, to bear. (Yes, I am paraphrasing Rudy Giuliani's famous statement about the number of deaths at the World Trade Center. Yes, I am shameless.)

Next we have Foxy "I'm Finger-Snapping As Fast As I Can" Brown, who is making good on her pledge to remain in Page Six until the last fake nail is torn from her bloody claws. Richard "Dick" Johnson writes:

"Mistreated retail minions are piling on the beleaguered Foxy Brown, the hip-hop hoochie accused of terrorizing staffers at the Louis Vuitton flagship and beating a nail salon girl with her cellphone this week. Yesterday, a Barneys staffer e-mailed us claiming Brown called her a "stupid bitch" because she couldn't find the size Brown was looking for. "She literally got three inches from my face and told me that she would have me fired because I did not have the size she was looking for," relayed our tipster. 'After she left, I informed management, who promptly did nothing due to her washed-up celeb status. Keep up the good work, guys!'"

Is there anything better than a piece that a) calls someone a "hip-hop hoochie" and b) refers to that same someone as a "washed-up celeb"? Oh, I know, it's when there's also a reference to "terrorizing staffers" and "beating a nail salon girl with her cellphone." Almost every single word is a pure JOY to behold! Foxy Brown, you are an inspiration! You are becoming Richard "Dick" Johnson's muse, like the French prostitutes were to Talouse-Lautrec! You are taking his work to new heights of genius!

OK, now that the fun is over, let's get down to some real tough, hard-hitting non-news: Dick Johnson's lead story is about, naturellment, the Olsen Twins. It seems that barely-legal non-anorexic Ashley has been dating a THIRTY-YEAR-OLD restaurant-owner who is a serial young-girl-dater. Yuck, yuck and double YUCK:

"ASHLEY Olsen is moving to town in a few weeks to start her freshman year at New York University, and she's already snagged herself a guy.

Spies said Ashley, 18, is now dating man-about-town Scott Sartiano, 30, who co-owns hot eatery Butter along with Richie Akiva. Sartiano is also a promoter at Star Room in East Hampton...

Meanwhile, sister Mary-Kate is getting close to a friend of Sartiano identified only as Ollie, even though she's still officially dating David Katzenberg.

A rep for the Olsens said, "They are all friends. They are not dating and Mary-Kate is still with David."

Our source said, "Ashley and Mary-Kate don't drink, so when they go out with Scott and Ollie it's really weird — they just sit at the table and don't really talk or do anything.

"But they have been going out almost every night ever since Mary-Kate got out of rehab [for anorexia]," the tipster said. "They are pretty big on the club scene even though no one knows why, because they don't look like they have much fun."

Sartiano, according to his office, is in Los Angeles right now, where friends said he's visiting with his new love.

But reached by phone, Sartiano claimed he was "in a meeting in Texas" and stammered, "I don't talk about my personal life." He called back later and explained: "I hang out with Ashley and Mary-Kate — I met them through John Stamos, who told me to take care of them when they were in New York.

"Ollie was here for two weeks and so he hung out with them too, but there's nothing romantic going on between any of us."

Ashley is not Sartiano's first famous girlfriend. The promoter usually favors young models, but in 2002 he dated "Princess Diaries" star Anne Hathaway for several months. She was so smitten with Sartiano that during her London shoot for "Nicholas Nickleby," she flew to New York every weekend just to be with him."

OK. How old is Anne Hathaway? "Young models"? This guy is cross-continentally grossing me out! And Olsen Twins, take some advice from a much older, much less successful non-celeb: DON'T LET JOHN STAMOS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR PRIVATE LIFE! I'm sure he means well, I'm sure he's a nice guy, but I just don't think you should let him know anything about your career plans or personal life or even your whereabouts! Call it a hunch. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T EVEN LOOK AT BOB SAGET! AAAAAAAH! Run for your lives!

Also, can I just say that the Olsen Twins are kind of making me sad? What with the not eating, the failure of their big movie, the going-out-all-the-time-and-not-having-any-fun. I never thought I'd say this about teenage billionaire male-fantasy fodder, but I feel sorry for them, in a very weird way. Also they look like teensy, tiny monkeys. (I know, so did Stephen Baldwin, but I CALL 'EM AS I SEE 'EM. And he is a bloated monkey with highlights. The Olsens are midget monkeys, perhaps of the spider variety, and they only eat the mites off each other's bums. So there ARE differences.)

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