Saturday, September 04, 2004

Star and Us Weekly came today, hurrah! On the cover of Star: "25 Best & Worst Beach Bodies! Back By Popular Demand!" Cameron Diaz, Paris "No Ass" Hilton, and Sean Penn are the cover's "Best," while Danny DeVito and a "Guess Who?" (same old picture of Donatella Versace's cellulite) are the "Worst." Inside, bathing-suited Lindsay Lohan, Stephen Dorff, Britney Spears, Kevin Bacon (!), Salma Hayek, LL Cool J, John Stamos, and Mariah Carey are added to the Best List. Madonna "Man Arms" Ritchie gets "Best Over 40!" while Sylvester Stallone gets "Best Over 50!"

Ahh, now on to the good stuff: THE WORST. Sandra Bullock is cited for her "boy shorts mak[ing] her butt look twice its size" and for having "cellulite on her thighs." Boo, hiss! She is 40 and looks great! Vanessa Paradis has "Worst Show-Through Ribs" and is "ribbed" for looking "painfully thin." "Worst Royal Body" goes to poor Princess Caroline--who is 47 years-old, has four children, is quite fit, and was simply caught in an unflattering pose. Queen Latifah, Danny DeVito, and Rosie O'Donell are guilty of fatness and are apparently not allowed to go out in public. Annie Lennox, 49 years-old (!), looks awesome in a bikini but is also caught in a slouch-n-pouch. Rod Stewart is cited for wearing a "man-kini" and having "love handles." It's the white banana hammock that is more alarming, believe me. But the cruellest photo is of Chelsea Clinton, snapped in a bikini while bent over and scratching something on her leg. The caption says that "the former first daughter is fighting ab flab," but really, her stomach is flat; she just has the genetic misfortune know as her parents' thighs, and there is NOTHING that she can do about that without surgery. It also looks to be the world's most unflattering angle.

The rest of the Star is mainly devoted to the MTV VMA's (yawn); Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake's Hawaiian anniversary vacation (apparently she only owns one bikini); and Britney-n-Kevin's wedding plans. Blah blah blah, secret location, Santa Barbara resort, blah blah blah. Here is the only awesome thing: Star reports that the happy couple, in honor of their sacred, holy marriage vows, are having specially-made warm-up suits to wear after the nuptials. "Hers will have 'Mrs. Federline' embroidered on the back. His will have 'The Pimp' on it." Straight class, all the way! The ironic thing (oh, yes, I realize there is a veritable SLEW of irony going on here) is that SHE is the pimp. She proposed, bought the ring, pays his salary, and is shelling out for every aspect of the wedding--even the bachelor party at the Real World suite in the Palms Casino in Las Vegas. HE IS HER BITCH!

This issue of Star also has one of the best, most ridiculous featurettes ever in the history of magazines: "The Curse of Madonna's Kiss!" They go through some of the many, many famous people who have been smooched on by "Madge's lethal lips" and then suffered career/personal disasters. Madonna's mouth seems to have a bad luck quality, much like the tiki necklace that cursed the Brady Bunch's trip to Hawaii. First up, Britney Spears, who following the famous kiss at last year's VMA's had a 55-hour marriage to a backwoods cretin; hurt her knee filming a video; had to cancel her tour; and got engaged to an inner-city cretin. Guy Ritchie: his whole career went down the tubes after he became Mr. Madonna. Also has to live with her. Vanilla Ice, Warren Beatty, Sean Penn (for a while, now back in top form), and Dennis Rodman--careers all "killed by her kiss." The gist seems to be: MADONNA IS A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER BUT ONLY CAREER-WISE! She mates and she kills---YOUR PROFESSION! The only thing they fail to mention is that she ALSO put her tongue in Christina Aguilera's mouth during the same performance with Britney, to no discernible positive or negative effect. Also, there are the literally UNCOUNTABLE millions of non-famous, nearly-famous, and may-become-famous men and women who have made out with the Material Girl over the years and did not suffer career setbacks or become deformed or get engaged to Kevin Federline.

One last tidbit: Charming, Borscht Belt-voiced CC DeVille, everyone's favorite ex-member of Poison, is dating the Wrestler Formerly Known as Chyna!!!Can you IMAGINE the freakish children that they would have? I am filled with delight.

Now on to Us Weekly. The cover is "2004 Fashion Winners & Losers." Kind of dullsville, yet bizarre: they pick JESSICA SIMPSON as best-dressed for the year. She's a pretty girl, and she dresses nicely, for say, a 14-year-old playing dress-up; but to pick her over Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Salma Hayek, etc etc--you know, people who dress like grown women? Puh-leese. Besides, I find "Best Dressed," much like "Best Beach Bodies," you know, boring. Taste, beauty, refinement, allure, charm? YAWN.

The worst-dressed list is, of course, much more festive. Britney Spears is Numero Uno, and who could disagree? Tara "Classy" Reid is #2, and seriously, she is so thin that her legs seem to have been replaced by tiny twigs--this is what las drugas will do, ladies! One snarky caption says that Paula Abdul "represents the Lollipop Guild" in her multi-color monstrosities, which is tragically true. Rounding out the "Fashion Sinners": Janet Jackson, Christina Aguilera, Eve, Brandy, Pam Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith, AND yes, yes, finally--Gwen Stefani!!! She has driven me crazy for years with her totally hideous Hot Topic Gone Berserk ensembles--yet the serious fashion press (I know, that's a contradiction in terms) always lauds her for her "cutting-edge" looks!!! BLECH! Then Us does a little "Sinners No More" list of stars who have improved their looks over the years: Brittany Murphy, Nicole Richie, and Kelly Ripa. Give them time, I am sure they will go back to their sinning ways. My money is on Nicole Richie to fall from grace first.

The rest of the mag is, chillingly, mainly devoted to the World's Most Boring VMA's Ever. Also more in the continuing effort to make me violently angry via "how stars lose their post-baby weight" articles. (This time it's Courteny Cox and Debra Messsing.) Umm, let me guess: Tons of exercise and total starvation?

BEST OF ALL: A "Britney: Totally Trashtastic!" featurette that won me back after the baby thing. "Whether she's littering--or loitering--in public, Spears has lately seemed a no-class act!" Ha, ha, ha! Of course they show side-by-side pictures of barefoot Britney at the two gas station bathrooms; another of her "stuffing her cheeks with Cheetos" with a caption listing her "fast-food diet" that "includes Kentucky Fried Chicken, McDonald's, Doritos, pizza, and Coca-Cola"--in other words, what the entire United States of America is eating on a daily basis; a photo of her dumping the contents of her ashtray over a balcony; and the notorious Kevin crotch-grab-on-the-hotel-balcony shot. They also mention her gum-chewing and how some freak has a piece of her used cud up on eBay. But Us Weekly, I have to point out something: You say that Brit's used gum is up to $485 on eBay "at press time," but then in a different part of the magazine you state that her gum was going for $10,100 "at press time." You either have a REALLY LONG "press time" or a terrible fact-checker, or both. Also an editor should have caught this. Unless, of course, there are TWO pieces of Britney's chewed, Cheeto-stained cud on eBay at the same time, which is entirely possible. I will have to research this important journalistic matter ASAP.

A funny caption to Angelina Jolie's "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" costume: She "never wanted to take the eye patch off." Quelle surprise!

And, lastly, there was another "new couple" alert that caught my eye (am I the last to know?): Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's and movie/video director/actor Spike Jonze. The hipster quotient is off the charts. It is beyond measure. If you could distill hipness into a single atom, Spike and Karen could create fusion and build their own bomb and destroy the whole world. Or at least Brooklyn. I'm a little scared.

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