Monday, September 06, 2004

Oh, Us Weekly, forgive me for I have sinned. Mea culpa! I pointed out recently that Us gave two different eBay prices for pieces of Britney Spears' used chewing gum, and made snide, catty comments to the effect that they needed a better editor. And now, cruel fate has intervened to make me see the errors of my ways. CNN is running this story:

"There are over two dozen auctions of used chewing gum on eBay, each claiming their product has been spit out by the 22-year-old singer. Prices go as high as $14,000, but most are for significantly less...

One posting claiming to be the originator of the craze says the gum for sale was spat out in anger by Spears outside her Los Angeles home in early August. A picture of the gum, now going for $26, accompanies the auction...

But buyer beware! Some of the auctions are fake. One seller offers a piece of Spears' gum from the 2004 MTV Video Music Awards that "still has her teeth marks in it." Spears didn't attend the event.

The bidding is also often fake. The gum now priced at $14,000 was driven up by one person who bid against himself. Winning bids are mostly closer to $5 to $100...

Still, gum isn't the only Spears' garbage being sold. Also up for auction are a tissue and cigarette butts, making the singer look like quite a litterbug. An allegedly used bath towel and bar of soap, which the seller calls "priceless," are also being auctioned.

And the trend appears to be spreading. There is already a posting selling the gum of another celebrity chewer: Eminem."

So I was wrong! So sue me! No, don't sue me. Scratch that. Just pretend this incident never happenend, OK, Us Weekly? Who loves you more than me? WHO? No, don't look at me like that, Us, please, I can't take it. YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART! I'll do anything to make it up to you. Stop crying. Look, can't we work this out? Isn't there some way I can make this OK? Renew my subscription? Sure, sure, baby. Whatever you say. No relationship is perfect! We will have our ups, our downs. We will quarrell from time to time, all right? Sometimes there will be doubts, and yes, accusations. But that doesn't mean I don't love you! It only means I care! Here's a hankie, dry your weeping eyes. Sure, blow your nose. No, you can keep it. Put it up on eBay!

OK. Back to business. Britney DOES look "quite a litterbug." She is not exactly Miss Manners--thank god! Get with the program, CNN! Hello? We all know that Britney is Totally Trashtastic. Her becheetoed fingers are constantly tossing cigarretes, Red Bull cans, Burger King wrappers, and, yes, chewing gum, all over the place. She is a diva! She can do whatever the hell she wants! What I want to know is, what exactly are people doing with the gum after they buy it? Is it some perversion I've never heard of? Are they making sweet, sweet love to it? "Cud-o-philia"? Does that exist? I'm sure if it does there are already a million web sites devoted to it. And what might Mr. Marshall Mathers be spitting out, pray tell? Bile? Venom? Eminem is one angry, angry, ANGRY extremely rich white man. He's mad as hell, and he's not going to take it anymore!

"I'm walkin' on sunshine, well, I'm walkin' on sunshine, well, I'm walkin' on sunshine, well, and don't it feel good!"--Katrina and the Waves, on Bob 103.5 FM right now.

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