Friday, September 10, 2004

Newsflash! Billy Crudup is a jerk! The IMDB reports today that Mary Louise Parker's babbydaddy is not only a louse who left Parker for Claire Danes (!) when Parker was 8 months pregnant, but he is also an egomaniac:

"Hollywood actor Billy Crudup is keen to remain an enigma off screen - and has little interest in becoming a target for journalists. The Stage Beauty star, 36, believes the best actors are those who manage to keep their private lives out of the media glare - because it makes their screen performance more credible. Crudup says, 'I want everything I'm in to be wildly successful, but I don't think that means I want everybody to know anything about me. The entire Hollywood publicity machine was built on 'whatever it takes to get our people out there' but, for me, I've had incredible opportunities to be able to play the roles I want to play, and make a living, so why do I need to pursue that? I'm not sure what it serves. I mean, what do you know about Robert DeNiro? The best actors are the actors we don't know anything about. If people know lots about me, then it becomes difficult for me to do my job of telling people I am someone else.'

So let's get this straight, Mr. Crud. I'm sorry, Mr.Crudup, of course. You have devoted your life to the noble cause of being a movie star AND you want your films to be "wildly successful" AND you dumped your pregnant actress girlfriend for another, albeit much younger, even better-known actress BUT don't want to do any publicity or let anyone know anything whatsoever about your life because you are the next Robert DeNiro? I mean, sure, I understand that the media goes overboard hounding celebs and chasing them through tunnels in Paris and killing them and whatnot, but, uh, Billy? Can I just point out one teensy tiny thing? NO ONE KNOWS WHO YOU THE HELL YOU ARE AND THOSE THAT DO THINK YOU ARE A CHEATING, DISPICABLE, LOWLIFE CREEP! Go back to your Claire Danes lovenest (shudder) and never mention the words "Robert DeNiro" again. Ever.

In other silly non-news, the world is shocked, SHOCKED to find out that Naomi Campbell has done...gasp!....DRUGS. Yes, that's right, DRUGS. No, it's true. I'm serious! Read this if you don't believe me:

"Supermodel Naomi Campbell has stunned a TV studio audience by exposing details of her drugs battle - after fighting to keep her ordeal a secret. The temperamental catwalk queen won $6,300 damages at London's High Court in 2002 after she sued a newspaper for taking pictures of her leaving a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in Los Angeles. Campbell took legal action claiming the photographers breached her privacy. However, on British chatshow host Michael Parkinson's TV program - to be aired in the UK tomorrow - the model admits she did battle an addiction to alcohol and has experimented with drugs. She told him, 'Once an alcoholic addict, always an alcoholic addict. I took my first drug at 24 years old. I did a drug, a speedy drug. No one forced me to do it, I did it because I wanted to. I don't have any blame for anyone but myself.'"

Oh, it was "a speedy drug" was it? Quelle surprise! Seriously, did anyone NOT know that La Campbell has been doing las drugas for years and years? Innate bitchiness, pure evil, and the ability to beat up underlings with a cellphone can only get you so far in the topsy-turvy world of supermodeling. When you've got Linda Evangalista sneering down your back you always have to have AN EDGE.

A similar shock wave is ripping through the world of extremely light entertainment, as Richard "Dick" Johnson reveals that thespian Tara Reid was sighted "doing what she does best — drinking heavily"--NO! SAY IT AIN'T SO!!--"at a party at a private home for Jordache jeans owner Shaul Nakash in Deal, N.J."

Our little girl is all grown-up. Sob. I can't believe it. It seems like just yesterday she was getting oral sex in "American Pie," and now here she is, wallowing in her own filth (I assume) at a Jordache party in New Jersey. You've come a long way, baby! Wow. Tara Reid and Jordache jeans and booze. A three-way made in heaven!

But, of course, the main story du jour is that Hell Hath No Fury Like A Make-Up Artist Scorned: Jennifer Lopez's ex-make-up-artiste is PISSED at having been fired for leaking gossip to the tabloids and now he's running around berserk telling anyone who will listen that he knows a LOT more than he's let on before and might be about to write a tell-all book. My only question about this book, besides how much is it and where can I buy one, is wouldn't J. Lo force every employee to sign a nondisclosure agreement from the second they laid eyes on her, if not earlier? Oh, who cares. The guy's gossip currency today is that J. Lo has her own personal voodoo lady who hexes her enemies and whatnot. YAWN. Tell me something I DON'T know. Oh, well, here's what Dick Johnson has to say about the matter:

"Jennifer Lopez's bizarre belief in a 'faith healer' who purifies her houses by ridding 'bad auras' might face intense scrutiny in a tell-all book.

Makeup artist Scott Barnes, who was fired by J.Lo after he was caught gossiping about her, told spies at Wednesday's 'Fashion Rocks' concert at Radio City Music Hall he 'wasn't through with Jennifer yet.'

Barnes, there to do Mary J. Blige's makeup, just spilled a few of his beans to Us Weekly. But if Lopez bad-mouths him in the press, he said he will talk again to a magazine or write a book.

'He knows everything,' said our source. 'He knows all about Jennifer and her faith healer [Merle Gonzalez]. After Ben [Affleck] left Jennifer, Merle went in to expel bad auras and cleanse her house. Merle also blessed the 'Shall We Dance' set and some people say Jennifer has had Merle put hexes on people she feels have done her wrong.'"

OOOOOOH! Oh, no he di'unt! Makeup artist Scott Barnes isn't "through with Jennifer yet," eh? Better not let "faith-healer" Merle Gonzales hear about that crack. Note to Scott Barnes: If you wake up in the morning missing a vital organ or two, you have only yourself to blame. You can't write a tell-all book without a head, now can you? (Actually, with the right ghostwriter, maybe you can.) Let me give you a little advice: DON'T MESS WITH J.LO! She didn't go from Fly Girl to international movie/singing star on pure, sizzling talent alone! It takes a deal with the devil, you silly little man! She went down to the crossroads! THE CROSSROADS! The one where Ralph Macchio became Robert Johnson! Hello, it is so obvious. Duh.

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