Monday, September 20, 2004

Hurrah! Just got Star, Us Weekly, and Entertainment Weekly in the mail! Hurrah!

On the cover of the Star: "Who Got FAT! Who got THIN!" YIPPEE!! Anna Nicole Smith shares the cover with Kathleen Turner. I'll let you guess who is thin and who is fat. Anna Nicole is unrecognizable! I thought it was Britanny Murphy! She weighs 131 pounds and is 5'11"!!! The inside article about her speculates that she may be bulimic and notes that she has the habit of chewing beef jerky for her dogs and spitting it into their mouths. Let's just sit back and digest THAT image for a while, shall we? She also never exercises. Is THIS the diet for your Felt Up blogette? Perhaps, perhaps.

Then in the Who Got Fat? section, we have boozehound blousy broad Kathleen Turner, whose "battles with alcholism may have played a part in her weight gain." Uh, duh. They say she weighs 212 pounds (where do they get these specific numbers? Telephoto lenses into her bathroom?). Other fatties: Alec Baldwin (has to lose weight fast to play HALSTON! I can't wait!), Quentin Tarantino, Tobey Maguire (he does NOT look fat, just healthy), Matt Le Blanc, and Barbra Streisand (who is naturally doing Ashram cleansing regimes to take the weight off, but hello? She is 62 years-old! Even though I hate her, they should cut her some slack. I mean, come ON.)

OK. Who is too thin? Kate Bosworth, and boy, they are not kidding. She is skeletal and gross all of a sudden! She used to be pretty! And if living with Ben Stiller makes one turn into the Ghost of Christine Taylor, well then, thanks, but no thanks! She is a skin-n-bones FRIGHT! Daniel Day-Lewis hardly counts, because he's insane. Plus learning how to become a cobbler takes a lot out of a thespian, let me tell you. Brittany Murphy pulls the old "I'm just naturally thin" routine AGAIN (and if by "natural" you mean that cocaina is a naturally-occurring drug that is derived from plants and whatnot, then yes, I suppose you are naturally thin, Ms. Nutty Nutball). Terri Hatcher no longer has legs. They just disappeared and went wherever Tara Reid's legs went.

But let's go back to Anna Nicole, shall we? Yes, let's:

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Anna Nicole Smith and Brittany Murphy have fused into a new being, like The Fly! EEEEEK!

Star also has a featurette on stars' kids that is disturbing in myriad ways. Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz' beautiful 15 year-old daughter looks like a supermodel! I'm an ancient old crone! AAAAAH! Mia Farrow and Woody Allen's son looks EXACTLY like Mia Farrow in "Rosemary's Baby"! I thought it was their pretty DAUGHTER! EEEK! Viggo Mortenson and Exene Cervenka's son Henry is hideously unattractive!! Henry Winkler's soon-to-be-bald son Max is kind of cute!

Then there's the article that got the genius treatment from some nameless, faceless sublimely-talented Star headline writer. "Jessica Simpson: The Hardest Working Boobs in Show Business--They're up, they're down, they're all around town!" It's basically an in-depth piece of investigative journalism into the shape, lift, direction, and form that Jessica Simpson's cleavage takes on from day to day. My favorite line: "When they're not reined in, they run fot the hills in opposite directions." !!!

The rest of the magazine is devoted to the usual blah blah blah about Paris Hilton's new book, Ben and Jennifer Garner canoodling, P. Diddy's new clothing store, etc etc.

Us Weekly cruelly devoted its cover to BEN IN LOVE. With Jen Garner. YAWN, YAWN AND DOUBLE YAWN! They are just too nice to be interesting. There's no build-up, no bling, no Bentleys!

Then there's the Hot Young Hollywood Awards that Us just totally made up out of its ass. They give Paris Hilton the "Hottest Star" award--UGH! Way to turn me off, Us. THEN they do a How Rich Are They? featurette guaranteed to make my blood boil. I HATE knowing how much money Jessica Simpson has! Boo, hiss! Us Weekly, why do you torment me so? But then they piqued my interest a little with Joey Fatone Gets Married (To a Big Girl!) OK, it didn't actually say that, but it's true! I heart Joey Fatone!

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See, girls with matronly arms CAN snag a star, even if it's just Joey Fatone!

The cover of Entertainment Weekly is an old picture of the cast of the ORIGINAL STAR WARS! Including CHEWIE!!! YAY!!! I believe there's a new DVD coming out or something. AND there's an article about The Clash's "London Calling," featuring an interview with my future husband, Paul Simonon. AND there's a story on Lil Jon gettin' crunky in Miami! Oh, it goes on and on. In comparison with Us and Star, Entertainment Weekly is like the New Yorker or Harper's, with, like, actual articles with words and sentences and stuff, not just pictures with captions. Usually I'm against that, but this week, Us totally screwed me with the Ben-n-Jen cover, while EW made me hap-hap-happy! They know how to appeal to my age group, that's for sure. Star Wars and The Clash and LIL' JON! It's a close race, with EW neck-n-neck with Star and its fatties vs. anorexics cover. But I'm going to go with EW. Kudos, sirs, kudos!