Friday, September 17, 2004

Gotta make this one fast, because I'm off to the Austin City Limits Festival, against my better judgment. Solomon Burke, you better knock my socks off! I can smell the Porta Potties from here. I will report from the ACL trenches later this weekend, if I'm still alive.

ACHTUNG! The IMDB is reporting that Teutonic lifestyle illusionist Roy is now claiming that he was not mauled by his beloved Montecore, oh no no. He was SAVED by the white tiger after he suffered a stroke onstage:

"Illusionist Roy Horn has spoken publicly for the first about the tiger attack that almost ended his life. The Siegfried & Roy star was mauled by tiger pet Montecore when he tumbled during a magic show at Las Vegas's Mirage hotel and casino last October - and he has spent the past 11 months making a miraculous discovery. On Wednesday night, in an appearance on American TV, the magician revealed his big cat friend was merely trying to take him to safety after he suffered a stroke due to high blood pressure onstage. Horn, 59, told Arnold Schwarzenegger's journalist wife Maria Shriver, 'It was a stroke. He's (Montecore) my baby. He saved my life.' The illusionist, who was joined by partner Siegfried Fischbacher for the NBC news special, revealed he's in so much pain he often cries himself to sleep, but he has no hard feelings towards the tiger, whose deep teeth incisions almost killed him instantly. He added, 'There's no bad feeling of any kind. They're (tigers) part of me, I'm part of them. That's how wonderful they are.' Horn refuses to release video footage of the night he was attacked - because he doesn't want to be in a position where he sees the incident again. He says, 'I thought, 'Dear God let this be just a bad nightmare.'"

Hmmm. I'll tell you what a bad nightmare is, Roy: Going to The Mirage's souvenir store to pick up some choice Siegfried & Roy memorabilia and finding absolutely NOTHING worth buying! Yes, a few years ago my dear, sweet mother and I were in Vegas and after going to the Liberace souvenir store and loading up on Liberace playing cards and books of matches and t-shirts (without actually going to the Liberace Museum) we headed to the Mirage, where we didn't actually see the S & G show, we just went straight to the heart of darkness, the souvenir shop, where we were CRUELLY disappointed by the lack of tacky merchandise. Everything was the damn tigers! We wanted a shirtless Siegfried and/or Roy in some kind of giant Norse God painting, riding astride a white tiger, with blowing, flowing hair and lightning bolts bouncing off a shield or something good like that. Not the damn tigers by themselves! It was all jungley/save-the-animals Amazon-type stuff--just horrible, horrible NATURE. THAT'S a nightmare, Roy.

OK, in other non-news, thespian Edward Furlong is in trouble again, but this time it's kind of cute. Richard "Dick" Johnson writes:

"Some people get arrested for a cause — Edward Furlong just got busted for some claws.

The "Terminator 2" actor was locked up Wednesday night in northern Kentucky for 'alcohol intoxication in a public place' after he tried to liberate a group of lobsters from a local grocery store's fish tank.

Furlong, a longtime animal-rights supporter who once refused to wear leather in a Calvin Klein ad, pulled the crustacean caper with friends at Meijer grocery store in Florence, Ky., according to a police report.

'The above and his friends were taking lobsters out of the tanks, when they were asked not to, they began to argue with management,' reads the report.

When cops tried to frisk Furlong, 'He put his arms above his head and started spinning around,' an eyewitness tattled to PAGE SIX's Lisa Marsh...

Furlong is certainly no stranger to trouble. After big roles in "Terminator 2" and "American History X," the hard-partying former boyfriend of Paris Hilton was derailed by his highly publicized problems with booze and drugs.

But Furlong has always had a soft spot for animals. After filming a scene with two rats in John Waters' "Pecker," Furlong, fearing that the animals would be killed after the movie wrapped, called PETA and asked them to find the rodents a home. 'Animals aren't props to be discarded when the movie is over,' Furlong said at the time."

You are absolutely right, Eddie. Rats should be treasured, nay, perhaps even pampered. Paris Hiltons, on the other hand, SHOULD BE DISCARDED IMMEDIATELY, RIGHT INTO THE DUMPSTER. Good work, sir. And is it just me or does it sound like our boy might have been in a wee K-hole in Kentucky? All that spinning around with his hands in the air and freeing the lobsters? Sure, it might have been just booze. Oh, who cares what it was? I just think the whole thing is adorable. Although I have to say that the only lobster I'm saving is going straight down my big fat piehole. Dribbling with butter.

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