Monday, September 13, 2004

The biggest news today is, of course, the Britney Spears/Shar Jackson dance-off that happened recently in L.A. The new Star magazine is the only source for this piece of hard-hitting investigative journalism, but that's never stopped me before!

Star reports that "the rivalry between Britney Spears and Shar Jackson--the ex-girlfriend of Brit's fiance Kevin Federline--came to a boiling point Aug. 30 at Joseph's nightclub when the dueling divas finished the evening with an exhaustive dance-off."

OF COURSE THEY DID! Hooray!

Star goes on, breathlessly: "It's Brit's second dance-off: The first was in August 2002 with ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake after she spotted him with then-girlfriend Jenna Dewan."

God, is there anything better than a serial dance-offer? OK, back to our story:

"An eyewitness tells Star that Shar, 28, became furious after she saw Britney, 22, and Kevin, 26, enter Joseph's shortly after midnight. 'She stormed over to Britney and Kevin's table and started yelling at Britney,' says the onlooker. Another source says, 'Kevin told Shar they should work things out so that they didn't run into each other. She told Kevin, 'I'm not going to rearrange my life just to keep your girlfriend happy!'

Then Brit and Kevin hit the dance floor, which an eyewitness says seemed to further infuriate Shar."

Whoa! Britney's about to get SERVED, yo!

" 'When Britney and Kevin started dancing real close...it looked like Shar wanted to make Kevin jealous: She went on the dance floor, only four feet away from Britney, and started grabbing guys at random, dancing to hip-hop and grinding against each guy.' After 20 minutes...Shar 'gave up and left the dance floor since it seemed to be having no effect.'"

Oh...huh? Wait. You mean the "dance-off" was just poor, jilted Shar dancing somewhere in Britney's vicinity? I'm sorry, Star, but I feel a tad misled. I thought this was a DANCE-OFF! I define a "dance-off" as Shar Jackson going out on the floor, doing a head-spin, then the Cabbage Patch, and screaming, "Top that, bitch!" and then Britney doing the head-spin, the Cabbage Patch, and adding a violently over-the-top Running Man, then shrieking, "UH-HUH, Who's the bitch, now, BITCH?" and so on and so forth until the two end up in a hair-pulling catfight with bodyguards rushing in to pull them apart. Anything less is just two people dancing next to each other. Why do you tease me, Star, and not please me?

Also the cover is a gag-tacular devoted to Julia Roberts and her spawn: "Will She Quit Her Career?" (The answer: NO.) I'm so sick of babies!!!AAAAAAAH!

But just when I'm ready to throw Star across the room in a diva fit, my little eye spies a featurette to warm even the coldest gossipeer's heart: "PUT YOUR SHOES ON, BRIT! There's a Danger To Your Feet LURKING ON THE STREET!" Yes, Star got podiatrists to examine photos of Britney's blackened-with-nightclub-and-gas-station-bathroom-grime soles to point out various fungi that may have infected America's Sweetheart's tootsies. To wit: "Going barefoot in a club could cause toenail and foot fungi." Also, "Plantar warts are a risk for barefoot strollers." And: "Concrete surfaces may create small cuts serving as entry points for infections." Not to mention: "One could catch a fungus going barefoot in a public bathroom. It's disgusting in there! I don't recommend anybody to do that ever. Imagine the stuff on the floor in there--urine and every bacteria you could think of. Fungus, mold, yeast--you could get any of those!" So says Dr. Herbert Chien. (Can you really catch anything from urine? I thought that was pretty sterile. But, then, I'm not a New York pediatrist/consultant to Star, am I? What do I know?) Anyway, the whole thing is a hoot and a half. Star, you won me back, AGAIN!

In other non-news, Richard "Dick" Johnson gleefully reports that everybody's favorite employer Naomi Campbell caused quite a ruckus during Fashion Week, naturellement:

"NAOMI GOES BATTY BACKSTAGE"

"Naomi Campbell lived up to her diva reputation backstage in the Bryant Park tents last week. At the Esteban Cortazar show, she refused to get changed with the other models and insisted that a hair and makeup room be converted into her personal dressing room. Then she refused to walk in one of the designer's creations because she didn't like the way it looked on her. 'Esteban ran over to her and begged her to come out, but she wouldn't do it,' tattles our mole. Later on, Campbell erupted at her makeup artist — who, along with her hairdresser, publicist, personal assistant and camera crew, followed her to all the shows — because she didn't like her makeup job. 'She almost didn't walk, but finally they convinced her to do it,' says our spy. The next day, before strutting in the Rosa Cha swimsuit show, Campbell berated a producer who had told Campbell's entourage to stay out of the way of the other models, snapping, 'I can make sure you'll never work at another fashion show again!' But even our eyewitness had to admit, 'Naomi really looks great. She was probably the only model at Rosa Cha over 21, and she looked every bit as good as them. It's too bad she's so ugly on the inside.'"

Ahh, yes, beautiful on the outside, hideous and deformed on the inside. It's almost a pre-requisite for clawing your way to the top of the supermodel scrapheap. How can you NOT adore someone who not only beats up underlings with a cellphone--TWICE!!--but also actually uses my second-favorite celeb line of all-time (after "Don't you know who I AM?"): "You'll never work in this town again!"? Ha ha ha! Kudos, crazy lady, kudos!

In case you were wondering, Us Weekly's cover is all about Ashley Olsen and her "older man," which is SO last week's news. Harrumph. But they do talk about the reported tete-a-tete between Josh Hartnett and Kirsten Dunst, which has been mentioned in other trash-a-zines as well, but no one seems to know exactly what is going on. Some say the two, who co-starred in "The Virgin Suicides," are "just friends" (yawn!) and that Kirsten is still secretly seeing Jake Gyllenhaal; some say that they are "canoodling" (I'm getting more interested); and a jubilant Us just flat out says they had a makeout party (yay!) right on the cover. All anyone knows for sure is that they were at a club together in LA. Once. Stay tuned for details as they emerge.

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