Thursday, August 26, 2004

Wow, there's a TON of silly, ridiculous non-news today! First up, Aaron W. sent me a feverish MySpace message reporting that the Dave Matthews Band are in trouble for dumping their tourbus' load of raw sewage onto the heads of tourists who were riding on a boat on the Chicago River. The bus was on a bridge overhead. The Dave Matthews Band is denying that their driver did this, but the license plates reported by several victims match those on one of his tourbuses. Some of this rain of crap ended up in the eyes and mouths of the tourists! EWWW! What I want to know is: How can they tell if it was feces and urine OR just the latest Dave Matthews record being dropped? Ba dum dum. (Thank you ladies and germs, try the veal, etc.) By the way, I was having trouble getting Aaron's forwarded link to work so I did a Google search with the keywords "Dave Matthews feces boat" and of the thousands of sites that came up, only a few were about this story! HA ha ha! Here's the IMDB version of what happened:

"The Dave Matthews Band have been accused of unloading 800 pounds of human waste from their tour bus onto a boat filled with passengers. The state of Illinois is suing the band for violating state laws amid claims their driver drenched more than 100 people in sewage, after he emptied the septic tank through a grate into the Chicago river. A spokesperson for the group says, "Our driver has stated that he was not involved in this incident." He adds that the band "will continue to be co-operative in this investigation". The "So Much To Say" group are facing civil penalties of $70,000 for allegedly violating water pollution and public nuisance legislation."

Yeah, I think I'm going to file a complaint about the Dave Matthews Band's being a "public nuisance," just for existing. Also, I hate to admit this, but I didn't know there was a Chicago River. My geography is terrible and I've never been to Chicago, but I only knew about Lake Michigan, and that was from old "ER" episodes. Well, I have less important things on mind, obviously.

The IMDB is also reporting that Halle Berry distributed all her ex-husband's clothes to the homeless after he took too long to come by and pick them up. You go girl:

"Hollywood beauty Halle Berry has reportedly donated her estranged husband Eric Benet's clothes to homeless Los Angeles residents. The Monster's Ball star's soul singer spouse Benet moved out of their Hollywood home in October following their split after two and a half years of marriage. According to British newspaper The Sun, Berry has repeatedly asked the hitmaker to pick up his belongings from the house, but finally lost her patience and brought the garments to a charity collection point. A friend says, 'Halle was boiling mad. She found it hurtful having his stuff around. There will be nicely dressed tramps around.'"

First of all, on what planet is Eric Benet a "hitmaker?" And can you IMAGINE the open-to-the-navel-shirts-and-leather-pants-outfits that are being put together by L.A.'s homeless population? Hee hee hee, I love a woman on a warpath! God, that guy was SUCH a jerk. See ladies? It doesn't matter how gorgeous you are, you can still end up with a leather-bepanted cheater.

THEN in Richard "Dick" Johnson's Page Six column, we have an update on THE FACTS OF LIFE'S LISA WHELCHEL!!!!Johnson writes that Whelchel, who played Blair Warner on the show, do the delight of chubby pre-teens everywhere in mid-80s America,

"has blossomed into an evangelical Christian author who advocates "hot saucing," in which children are disciplined by putting hot sauce on their tongue. Whelchel, who promotes the practice in her book, "Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline" (Focus on the Family/Tyndale House), tells the Washington Post: "A correction has to hurt a little. An effective deterrent has to touch the child in some way. I don't think Tabasco is such a bad thing." Her book suggests a "tiny" bit of hot sauce be used, and offers alternatives such as lemon juice and vinegar. Discipline involves "drawing a line to protect the child." If you say, so, Lisa: but it sounds like child abuse to us."

OMG. What a kook! I knew she was some kind of born-again Christian, but "hot saucing"? Jesus H. Christ! I love a nutty nutball, I really do, but advocating the semi-torture of young children? Just think of all the weirdos out there who will read this book and think: "Little Johnny was extra-unChristian today, I think I better squirt Tabasco sauce into his eyeballs! WWLWD?"

In other great tv news, Dickie Johnson reported that Tommy Hilfiger may be doing his OWN reality show:

"The glamorous life of a fashionista is coming to a tube near you. PAGE SIX has learned Tommy Hilfiger just signed a deal with CBS to be the subject of a reality television show. It's surprising that the red, white and blue-toting titan would wade into the reality pool after his daughter Ally's disastrous turn on the MTV show "Rich Girls," which resulted in a stint in rehab and ruined her friendship with the other rich girl, Jamie Gleicher."

Yes, that was a tragic time for this nation. We all remember where we were when we heard that Ally Hilfiger and Jamie Gleicher were no longer bestest friends. A sad day for the human race.

And finallly, at least for right now, John Waters' new movie "A Dirty Shame" got the ix-nay from the Catholic Church, and he was so horrified he got right on the phone and called Dickie:

"John Waters proudly alerted PAGE SIX to a bad review of his new movie, "A Dirty Shame," by the Catholic News Service, which rated the flick "O — morally offensive." The review cited "almost non-stop rough, crude and profane language, full frontal nudity, sexual imagery, obscene gestures, scatological humor, casual portrayal and descriptions of deviant sexual practices, a glorification of freewheeling sex and some sacrilegious imagery." Crowed Waters, "I don't know if I can get a better review than that!" The comedic campfest about sex addicts starring Johnny Knoxville, Tracy Ullman, Chris Isaak and Selma Blair opens Sept. 24. "

Ha! I LOVE it that John Waters has some kind of red phone "hotline" to Page Six so he can tell them all about this stuff! He is a national treasure. I can't wait for Sept. 24!

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