Monday, August 09, 2004

Sheesh. I don't post anything over the weekend and I get email today accusing me of being a "lazy blogger." I am not a machine! Bloggers have lives, too! (Well, sort of.) And I really tried, dammit, to find something, ANYTHING, in the realm of news and non-news alike, but to no avail. I have to FEEL the story in order to make bitchy comments on it; and nothing that came out this weekend piqued my interest. Today, too, was shaping up to be a real loser (I toyed with the idea of going with the Scarlett "Harlot" Johannsen trying to snare Jake Gyllenhaal non-story from the IMDB, but my heart just wasn't in it). Then, lo and behold, my new STAR magazine arrived! All is not lost.

First up, Star has a two-page photo spread on "Liz Hurley's Little Lord Damian," which is all about Liz Hurley's son being dressed up like a wee Prince Charles in fancy clothes all the time. Star asks the question on a nation's lips: "Does cutie-pie Damian ever get a casual dressed-down day?" The answer: NO. The best caption is underneath the main picture of La Liz holding her child: "At a friend's wedding in Salzburg, Austria this spring, Hurley dressed 2-year-old Damian like a royal page boy--right down to his velvet jacket and little white tights!" The only thing I can say (besides kudos, Star, for CREATING a story where no story existed before!) is that I am not in the least surprised. Did anyone think Liz "I Would Kill Myself If I Was As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurly would be a laid-back, easy-going soccer mom? She is a she-devil! A succubus! She named her child Damian! (Mispelled, yes, but still very telling.) She is grooming him to take over the world as the spawn of SATAN!!!I mean, it's so obvious. (Want more proof? Another caption reads: "Little Mr. Clean: How does he do it? Most kids would destroy a pastel outfit in a matter of minutes, but somehow Damian stays spotless." Somehow? THE POWERS OF EVIL, that's how!)

From the "Oh, To Be A Fly on THAT Wall" File: At a "toast" to Victoria Gotti and her new reality show "Growing Up Gotti," LIZA MINELLI (Yay!) was on hand to pay her own special brand of craaaaaazy tribute. The photo of Liza and Victoria may have to go on the fridge, right next to the photo I cut out of Liza hugging Donatella Versace (who looks remarkably like Victoria Gotti, now that I think about it.) By the way, does anyone else think that Gotti's sons are freakish? They have total Troll doll hair and always pose with their arms folded and are too tan and never, ever smile. Also, their last name is not Gotti, even though the Star devoted a two-page centerfold on the grotesque lads called "Gotta Get A Gotti!" (Shudder.) Victoria Gotti is John Gotti's DAUGHTER and I'm assuming somebody actually married her at one point, and then she had these freaky boys. So their last name is something else (I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess it's Italian), NOT GOTTI. SHE grew up Gotti, not her bizarre-looking offspring! Sorry, I'm a stickler about these things...

In the awesome weekly segment called "Knifestlyles of the Rich & Famous," Star has "before and after" photos of Billy Bob Thorton. In the "after" pic, Billy Bob has totally new, fake, fluffy, dark hair; dyed eyebrows; a facelift; possible Botox; and LIPSTICK!!! EEEEEEK! Run for your lives!!!The hideous visage of Billy Bob is coming to get you!!EEEEEEEEEEEEK!

OK, one last tidbit from the Star: "Britney's Men May Come and Go...But She Will Never Leave Her Daisy Dukes!" What can I say about Britney's torn, tattered short-shorts that hasn't already been said by the greatest minds of our generation? Nothing, that's what.

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