Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Richard "Dick" Johnson ran a "blind item" today (which means you have to guess who he is talking about) that tickled my fancy:

"WHICH big screen diva who has been embroiled in an ugly court battle was so upset when she didn't get her requested shrimp salad on a United flight that she actually uttered, "Don't you know you who I am?"

Now, there aren't THAT many big screen divas embroiled in an ugly court battle right now...in fact, the only one that springs to my mind is Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is involved in a pretty awful stalking case--a nutjob named Dawnette Renee Knight was threatening CZJ in a series of nasty letters and phone calls; one letter, sent to the Star (ooh, they are so proud!) read that "The bitch will be shredded to pieces like Sharon Tate." Now, I call Ms. Knight a "nutjob" because she clearly chose the wrong diva to mess with. LISTEN CAREFULLY, DAWNETTE RENEE KNIGHT: CATHERINE ZETA-JONES WILL EAT YOU UP FOR BREAKFAST AND SPIT YOU OUT BEFORE TEA-TIME! She is not to be trifled with! She is bigger than you in so many, many ways! You are a peon, a nobody, a NOT FAMOUS PERSON and she is....well, she is someone who clawed her way to the top of the heap and she will do anything, ANYTHING to stay there. And, by the way, Dawnette, why on earth would ANYONE become obsessed with Michael "Baggy Ass" Douglas? Why? It's insane any way you look at it.

Now, back to the blind item. Can't you just hear Lady Zeta-Jones saying "Don't you know who I am?" after ordering, and failing to receive, a shrimp salad? It makes perfect sense to me. Sure, the fun part is all in the guessing game. But I know I'm right.

In other, sillier non-news, the IMDB reported today that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were seen frolicking on mattresses in an L.A. store, much to the horror of innocent bystanders:

"Movie beauty Demi Moore and her toyboy lover Ashton Kutcher were forced to leave a furniture store after they started frolicking on a show bed. The Hollywood couple, who are reportedly set to wed this year, rolled around on the bed in a Los Angeles store after deciding to 'test the mattress'. An onlooker says, "They asked if it was cool to try the beds by lying on them. Then they started bouncing around. They even had a quick smooch." The pair, said to be planning a Kabbalah wedding in Israel, were given disapproving stares from onlookers - and only stopped when a disgusted shopper barked, "Get a room."

EEEW! I don't exactly know why, but this grosses me out. Not the canoodling on a mattress in public--who am I to cast the first stone? Don't I, too, live in a glass house? (I WISH! I want one of those Phillip Johnson glass houses, right now!) No, what makes my skin crawl is the part about the "Kabbalah wedding in Israel." Are either of them even Jewish? I know I keep harping on this, but I find it really ridiculous that these celebs have jumped on the Madonna/Esther Kabbalah bandwagon, and none of them have converted to Judaism. What if it were not a Jewish mysticism cult, what if it had been a Catholic one? How creepy would that be? All these stars getting deep into The Catholah, wearing miniature incense burners around their wrists, getting married in the Vatican, starting Catholah Centers for children. AND none of them had converted to Catholicism, they just skipped over all the studying, prayer, research, THOUGHTFULNESS that goes into that type of thing (too much trouble!). Just bypassing altogether any consideration of the Church's backwards stances on homosexuality, reproduction rights, feminism, etc etc? Yucky, huh? But when it's a Jewish thing, well, sure, why not? Who cares? It's all weird and mystical anyway, right? Who KNOWS what's going on inside one of those wacky temples? Don't all Jews wear red string bracelets to ward off the Evil Eye? Isn't that what Judaism is all about?

Bleh. I could go on and on. The whole Kabbalah thing just rubs me the wrong way. Probably because it involves Demi Moore.

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