Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Just because the MTV VMA's were incredibly boring and lame does not mean that there is no silly, ridiculous gossip about them, oh no it doesn't! Richard "Dick" Johsnon had a field day in his column today, starting with the news that a guy working on Usher's yacht drowned during his party, and Usher's first response? "I'm not responsible." Good man. Well done, sir. Usher's swellegant party featured "live panthers on diamond leashes." Hee-hee!

"Also on hand was boisterous rapper Lil' Jon, who made guests laugh when he spat out a mouthful of caviar saying, 'Fish eggs and sour cream? That's nasty as [bleep]'"

Oh, Lil' Jon. You are breath of fresh air! You are America's Sweetheart! Johnson also reports that:

"The night before, Olsen twins Mary-Kate and Ashley caused a traffic jam when they insisted the motorcade taking them to the Stuff/Virgin Mobile party pull over to stock up on Red Bull."

HA! Who wants to bet it was DIET Red Bull? Then Dickie gets all pouty about some celebs causing mini-riots, like that's in poor taste or something, WHATEVER:

"The weekend's worst-party honors, however, went to either P. Diddy for his bash at Mansion that was thrown open to the public with predictably chaotic results, or Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's event at Privee, where a near-riot outside led to the crowd being pepper-sprayed."

Oh, puh-leese. Anyone who would start a melee over the Simpson sisters DESERVES to be pepper-sprayed. But wait, there's less:

"Sapphic activity erupted between Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilera, 'who suddenly started making out' at the Virgin Cola/Body English lounge at the Raleigh Hotel's rooftop party in the small hours of yesterday morning."

Ha ha ha! "Suddenly started making out"--I'll bet!!!Only AFTER a quick call to Star Magazine, three or four publicists, and their agents. You gotta admire these girls for figuring out a way to turn a sow's ear like the VMA's into their own personal silk ho' purse.

In other semi-VMA-related news, Dickie mentions this lovely tidbit:

"Don't throw out those unused VMA party invites — you can always sell them on eBay if times get tight. Writer Jeff Goodman recently put a 2002 invitation to a P. Diddy & Guy Oseary-hosted VMA party on eBay and hocked it for a whole $20. The listing tells would-be bidders, 'you can casually leave this on the $69 Ikea table in your cheap hovel, and try to fool girls into thinking that you are the type of person who gets invited to celebrity parties even though the fanciest place you have ever been to is Burger King.' The lucky buyer? A certain Guy Oseary of Beverly Hills, Calif."

Seriously, was this a-hole trying to be FUNNY by putting down us little people and our Ikea and BK-filled lives? J'accuse, Jeff Goodman, whoever you are, j'accuse! How pathetic are YOU hocking something for twenty bucks, Mr. Bigshot? Who do you think you are? Harrumph.

I rarely want to make mention of the Republican convention, but this is actually pretty good:

"When President Bush delivers his ac ceptance speech at the RNC Thursday, he'll be inadvertently helping American customers of a Canadian online drugstore. People who place orders with Universaldrugstore.com during the president's address will get an ad ditional 25 percent dis count on the Canadian pharmacy's already bargain rates. They'll even donate a meal to Meals on Wheels with each order placed. Pharmacy owner Jeff Uhl tells PAGE SIX, 'We feel it is highly unfair for Americans, especially seniors, to have to choose between meals and meds, and we hope our program will help as many people as possible to no longer have to suffer this choice.'"

O Canada, our Canada! I heart their pharmacies. What I want to know is: what if you need to be sedated during the convention? Will they sell Democrats a little somethin' somethin' at a special discount? Huh? I am totally and completely serious. What say you, universaldrugstore.com?

Speaking of las drugas, there's ANOTHER '80s star popping up in the columns this week. The IMDB has an item about...wait for it...wait for it...I think you know...yes...COREY HAIM!!! Yippee!!!

"The Lost Boys star Corey Haim shocked doctors with the gargantuan quantity of drugs he was consuming during his career heyday in the late 1980s. Haim took so many illegal substances - including "about 85" valium tablets a day - he became a "nervous wreck". The 32-year-old says, "I was working on Lost Boys when I smoked my first joint. But a year before that I was starting to drink beer on the set of the film Lucas. I lived in Los Angeles in the '80s, which was not the best place to be. I did cocaine for about a year and a half, then it led to crack. I started on the downers which were a hell of a lot better than the uppers because I was a nervous wreck. But one led to two, two led to four, four led to eight, until at the end it was about 85 a day - the doctors could not believe I was taking that much. And that was just the valium - I'm not talking about the other pills I went through." The child star attempted rehab 15 times before he suffered a stroke. He explains, "I was numb and I had lots of swollen lymph nodes, my heart was hurting and I had blood clots in my arm and leg." The actor, who is hoping for a Hollywood comeback, adds, "I'm clean, sober, humble and happy." Haim was recently immortalized in the title of The Thrills' new single "Whatever Happened To Corey Haim?"

Uh, Corey, I hate to tell you this, but you have no choice but to be humble. Although I guess taking 85 Valium a day--plus an assortment of whatnot--IS something to crow about. Maybe The Coreys should be in the re-make of "Valley of the Dolls?" Wouldn't THAT be something? "Dude, Where Are My Dolls?" could be the title. This is GOLD, people, I am giving away SOLID GOLD. Sigh.

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