Monday, August 23, 2004

Hallelujah! Just what I needed to perk me up in the darkest hours of Dogwatch 2004: the new Star Magazine! AND on the cover: "Stars' Crazy Meltdowns!" Hurrah! The pictures are HYSTERICAL, naturally. I LOVE IT when they go through the files and dig up the most unflattering facial expressions for each celeb. Even though most of the meltdowns were, in fact, old news, it is still highly enjoyable and there were a few little things I hadn't heard before...Let's run through the highlights, shall we?

First, Martha Stewart thought a makeup artist was using too hard a brush while applying blush, so Martha grabbed the brush and jabbed him in the face with it, screaming, "How do you like it? How do you like it?" (AWESOME.) AND one time Martha was at her bank in swanky Seal Harbor, Maine and thought the man in front of her should let her go first. She asked my number one all-time favorite celeb question: "Don't you know who I am?" and the man replied, "I'm David Rockefeller, and if I don't mind waiting, I don't think you should either." Ha ha ha ha!

Next up is Jennifer Anniston and her public crying jags (during a Diane Sawyer interview--yawn); and Star insinuates that Jen had her director fired from her latest movie because he rewrote "steamy sex scenes for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie" on THEIR movie earlier this year. She also apparently "complained about her hair and demanded changes and reshoots" because of her EXTENSIONS that need a whole lot of TLC and special, special treatment, much like a pet or small child. See why we shouldn't feel bad over our own non-celeb, non-superlong, non-lustrous hair? Because it is all FAKE FAKE FAKE! It costs thousands of dollars! She practically has to have a "hair sitter" just to make sure it doesn't hurt itself!

Then it's on to the old Naomi Campbell-serial-maid-beating thing: rolling around on the floor fighting with her maid earlier this month; holding her personal assistant hostage, beating her up, throwing her on a couch, and throwing a phone at her; and back in 1998, an ex-assistant won a settlement from La Campbell over what else? Being hit with a phone and almost getting thrown out of a moving car. Naomi, don't go changin'--I love you just the way you ARRRRE!

Courtney Love.

Christian Slater (drug-induced meltdown at a party in 1997--punched girlfriend in face, bit host on stomach, wrestled with cops; 1989 car chase ending with him kicking cop) and his lovely, demure wife (2003 glass-thrown-at-Christian's-head incident in Vegas strip club). The beauty and sanctity of holiest matrimony never fails to warm my heart!

Chris "Mr. Flapjacks" Martin: mostly beating up photographers, one for taking pictures of him while surfing badly (didn't want to "look like a tosser"--too late for THAT, Mr. Martin!), the other for taking picture of a pregnant "Flapjacks."

Paris Hilton: beaten up, possibly by Nick Carter; catfight with Lisa Marie Presley (!) over Nicolas Cage (!); another catfight with Shannen Doherty (!) over Rick Salomon (!) who later released the infamous tape of their precious, sacred night of romantic lovemaking. Doherty ended the fight by egging Hilton's car. My virtual hat is off to you, Ms. Doherty.

Andy Dick.

And a wee little Hall of Fame tribute to the "grand dame of meltdowns" Anne Heche, who told Barbara Walters that she was found roaming around Fresno, California because "I was told to go to a place where I would meet a spaceship."

Now, I can think of a few other meltdowns that should have made the Hall of Fame (hello? Margot Kidder?), and I don't really think Jennifer Anniston's behavior truly qualifies as a "meltdown." She just sounds more like a fragile basketcase who is in WAY over her head. Plus Courtney Love and Andy Dick's WHOLE LIVES are really just long-drawn-out meltdowns. But kudos, Star, for using other people's diva fits/public disturbances/misery to bring a little sunshine into my life, yet again.

Also in this issue: Debbie Harry is in "Knifestlyles of the Rich & Famous;" a ridiculous "Will Justin & Cameron Marry?" article complete with "WHAT JUSTIN & CAMERON'S KIDS MIGHT LOOK LIKE" (Answer: Frightening!) and Cameron's head superimposed over a wedding dress model's body; Anna Nicole Smith frightening young children at a summer camp; another effort to make Victoria Gotti's hideous troll-doll sons into pin-ups (eeek!); Helena Bonham-Carter picking her toenail and then using same hand to eat a sandwich (hee hee); absolutely hilarious featurette on "New Bosom Buddies!" Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid and their overexposed ginormous in-your-face fake, fake, fake ta-ta's; naturally a whole spread on stars' post-baby-bods, part of a continuing effort to make me violently angry; and, I'm saving the best for last, "How Mary Kay Got MORE BEAUTIFUL BEHIND BARS"--which I had actually been wondering about, because she does look really great for a convicted child rapist who spent almost seven years in prison. Apparently she made regular visits to the jail's cosmetology shop for "deep conditioning and trims," had a monthly visit with an Avon lady, and "for special occasions like court dates and visits with her children, Mary Kay culred her hair with tampons." She did yoga and Pilates (prison is quite different from my imaginings) AND she also grew her out her hair really long--for Vili Fualaau, her former child lovah! Then they did a page on others who looked better after prison: Amy Fisher ("lost her double chin"); Bambi Bemenek ("managed to refine her fresh-faced look throughout her years in the slammer"); and the exception, Heidi Fleiss, who they think (and I must agree) looks way way way WORSE after jail, collagen lip abuse, and being beaten up by Tom Sizemore. How could she not?

Well done, Star, well done!

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