Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Gee, I wake up this morning, still trying to detox the champagne from the tired old bag of bones I call my body, and I get an "outraged" (in quotes because she was kidding--maybe!) e-mail from one of my loyal Felt Up: The Blog readers, scolding me for dropping the ball on the "Paris Hilton Gets Beaten Up" story. My apologies! Sheesh. Here's what we know so far:

According to the IMDB, which focused its story more on Paris' ex-boyfriend Nick Carter than on La Hilton herself, he "broke down in tears during a reunion with his Backstreet Boy bandmates in Los Angeles on Friday - after he was quizzed over ex-lover Paris Hilton's shocking bruises. The hitmaker has rubbished speculation that he was responsible for Hilton's injuries, which were discovered after she was spotted with a swollen lip and bruised arms at Hollywood's Concord Club last Wednesday. The couple split on July 22 following a seven month romance which many believed would end in marriage. Carter struggled to regain his composure as he and bandmates AJ McLean, Howie Dorough and Kevin Richardson worked on new material at a recording studio. He finally snapped after a passer-by berated him over the alleged incident. He ran to his car and was photographed sobbing with his head in his hands. One onlooker tells website Popstarinsider.Com: "Suddenly it got very intense. I won't go there with what happened, but the situation was sad. Next thing we knew, Nick was in his car crying. I was about to cry too!" Hilton has refused to confirm Carter's explanation that she received the injuries during an S&M photo shoot."

You gotta love a gal who uses that tired old "S&M photo shoot" story to explain away her cuts and bruises! I also love how her condition "was discovered" not by her family or a hospital but at the Concord Club. They have a great trauma center, I hear. And a really helpful group of counsellors on call, day or night. And can I just ask WHO, exactly, thought that this relationship would end in marriage? WHO, pray tell? Oh, and I love that Nick ran to his car to cry. Where there was a photographer waiting to snap him as he sobbed. HA ha ha! HEE hee hee!

Then Richard "Dick" Johnson added his own little follow-up to the drama:

"Still sporting bruises on her arm after her split from ex-boyfriend Nick Carter, Paris Hilton managed to stir up a ruckus in the Hamptons last weekend. We're told she gave the kitchen staff at Candy Kitchen in Bridgehampton an eyeful when she splayed herself across a booth in her miniskirt — and, wouldn't you know it, she wasn't wearing any underwear. At Jet East, a camera crew from mom Kathy Hilton's upcoming reality show filmed Paris swanning into the club while 150 of the less-fabulous waited in line."

Note how Dick doesn't come right out and SAY that Nick Cater beat her up, just that she was still bruised "after her split," so he can't get into any nasty little libel lawsuit situation, but still TOTALLY leads the reader to draw that conclusion. Touche (I wish my keyboard had accent marks!) Mr. Johnson, touche. Oh, and the little "forgetting to put on your underpants while wearing a miniskirt" thing, THAT could TOTALLY happen to anyone. TOTALLY. Note that now her MOM has her own reality show. NOTE TO SELF: The end of the world is nigh...

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