Tuesday, August 31, 2004

In the spirit of The Golden Girls' theme song "Thank You For Being A Friend," which is, of course, MY theme song as well, I am passing on a plea from my pal Jenny Hart of Sublime Stitiching fame. We had a little show-n-tell session at the last Babes In Business meeting--at the stately home of Ms. Jennifer Perkins, the genius behind naughtysecretaryclub.com--and Jenny brought out a women's shirt with her retro-kitty theme, purchased at the Seattle Buffalo Exchange. Some extremely bold creep bought her embroidery patterns, sent them to India, and manufactured clothing with her trademarked designs on them without her permsission. SO, if anyone sees her designs on more pieces of clothing, please contact her. The link to her Sublilme Stitching website is over yonder in the Buy Stuff list. Look at her page, check out the patterns, and keep your eye out for rip-offs! Get out your magnifying glass and go all Nancy Drew for a good cause--these stolen patterns could be anywhere, even THE MALL. Shudder.
If you are one of my MySpacers, sorry, this post is largely copied from my MySpace blog. I'm a lazy bastard, all right? Cut me some goddamn slack. Plus not ALL of my vast publique is actuallly a close, personal friend. Most, yes, but not ALL. Anyway, I've become totally obsessed with this new station here in A-Town called, for some reason, "Bob." It used to be the Oldies station, 103.5. At first I was pissed, because now we not only have just one hip-hop station, we have no Oldies whatsoever. You know, sometimes a girl just wants to hear "Tequila" or "Good Vibrations" for the eight-millionth time. But then I started listening to Bob and became entranced! Bob is the weirdest station EVER. It just plays totally random songs from different eras and genres. Some cool, some totally and completely lame. I cannot turn it off! I am addicted! I may just keep a running tally of the song order: right now it's "Owner of a Lonely Heart." Next it could be Ashlee Simpson, then Prince, then Huey Lewis, then Evanescense, then Billy Joel. Who knows? It's like a train wreck, I can't turn away! Bob! I heard it is part of a chain; there's, like, Jack in Dallas, and I don't know, Steve in Houston or whatnot. So strange! Bob! The worst thing is the Sue Patrick ads about UT-themed rich lady hideous burnt-orange ensembles with the UT tower against "fields of bluebonnets." (I am not kidding.) OK, now it's playing Pink. Whoa. Ooh, now it's HEART's "Magic Man"!!! Whoo-hoo! Not only can I not stop listening, I can't stop writing about what it is playing. OMG. I kid you not, now it's "Jump" by the Pointer Sisters! I could do an entire blog just about Bob! The Boblog! Aaaah! Now it is Journey's "Don't Stop Believing!" Can't. Stop. Transcribing. The. Playlist. Rod Stewart! "You Wear It Well!" They seem to be on a seventies kick right now. YES! (The positive statement, not the band.) OK, now it is some god-awful-remix of 4 Non-Blondes' "What's Going On." Thank god, now I can stop.

Just because the MTV VMA's were incredibly boring and lame does not mean that there is no silly, ridiculous gossip about them, oh no it doesn't! Richard "Dick" Johsnon had a field day in his column today, starting with the news that a guy working on Usher's yacht drowned during his party, and Usher's first response? "I'm not responsible." Good man. Well done, sir. Usher's swellegant party featured "live panthers on diamond leashes." Hee-hee!

"Also on hand was boisterous rapper Lil' Jon, who made guests laugh when he spat out a mouthful of caviar saying, 'Fish eggs and sour cream? That's nasty as [bleep]'"

Oh, Lil' Jon. You are breath of fresh air! You are America's Sweetheart! Johnson also reports that:

"The night before, Olsen twins Mary-Kate and Ashley caused a traffic jam when they insisted the motorcade taking them to the Stuff/Virgin Mobile party pull over to stock up on Red Bull."

HA! Who wants to bet it was DIET Red Bull? Then Dickie gets all pouty about some celebs causing mini-riots, like that's in poor taste or something, WHATEVER:

"The weekend's worst-party honors, however, went to either P. Diddy for his bash at Mansion that was thrown open to the public with predictably chaotic results, or Jessica and Ashlee Simpson's event at Privee, where a near-riot outside led to the crowd being pepper-sprayed."

Oh, puh-leese. Anyone who would start a melee over the Simpson sisters DESERVES to be pepper-sprayed. But wait, there's less:

"Sapphic activity erupted between Paris Hilton and Christina Aguilera, 'who suddenly started making out' at the Virgin Cola/Body English lounge at the Raleigh Hotel's rooftop party in the small hours of yesterday morning."

Ha ha ha! "Suddenly started making out"--I'll bet!!!Only AFTER a quick call to Star Magazine, three or four publicists, and their agents. You gotta admire these girls for figuring out a way to turn a sow's ear like the VMA's into their own personal silk ho' purse.

In other semi-VMA-related news, Dickie mentions this lovely tidbit:

"Don't throw out those unused VMA party invites — you can always sell them on eBay if times get tight. Writer Jeff Goodman recently put a 2002 invitation to a P. Diddy & Guy Oseary-hosted VMA party on eBay and hocked it for a whole $20. The listing tells would-be bidders, 'you can casually leave this on the $69 Ikea table in your cheap hovel, and try to fool girls into thinking that you are the type of person who gets invited to celebrity parties even though the fanciest place you have ever been to is Burger King.' The lucky buyer? A certain Guy Oseary of Beverly Hills, Calif."

Seriously, was this a-hole trying to be FUNNY by putting down us little people and our Ikea and BK-filled lives? J'accuse, Jeff Goodman, whoever you are, j'accuse! How pathetic are YOU hocking something for twenty bucks, Mr. Bigshot? Who do you think you are? Harrumph.

I rarely want to make mention of the Republican convention, but this is actually pretty good:

"When President Bush delivers his ac ceptance speech at the RNC Thursday, he'll be inadvertently helping American customers of a Canadian online drugstore. People who place orders with Universaldrugstore.com during the president's address will get an ad ditional 25 percent dis count on the Canadian pharmacy's already bargain rates. They'll even donate a meal to Meals on Wheels with each order placed. Pharmacy owner Jeff Uhl tells PAGE SIX, 'We feel it is highly unfair for Americans, especially seniors, to have to choose between meals and meds, and we hope our program will help as many people as possible to no longer have to suffer this choice.'"

O Canada, our Canada! I heart their pharmacies. What I want to know is: what if you need to be sedated during the convention? Will they sell Democrats a little somethin' somethin' at a special discount? Huh? I am totally and completely serious. What say you, universaldrugstore.com?

Speaking of las drugas, there's ANOTHER '80s star popping up in the columns this week. The IMDB has an item about...wait for it...wait for it...I think you know...yes...COREY HAIM!!! Yippee!!!

"The Lost Boys star Corey Haim shocked doctors with the gargantuan quantity of drugs he was consuming during his career heyday in the late 1980s. Haim took so many illegal substances - including "about 85" valium tablets a day - he became a "nervous wreck". The 32-year-old says, "I was working on Lost Boys when I smoked my first joint. But a year before that I was starting to drink beer on the set of the film Lucas. I lived in Los Angeles in the '80s, which was not the best place to be. I did cocaine for about a year and a half, then it led to crack. I started on the downers which were a hell of a lot better than the uppers because I was a nervous wreck. But one led to two, two led to four, four led to eight, until at the end it was about 85 a day - the doctors could not believe I was taking that much. And that was just the valium - I'm not talking about the other pills I went through." The child star attempted rehab 15 times before he suffered a stroke. He explains, "I was numb and I had lots of swollen lymph nodes, my heart was hurting and I had blood clots in my arm and leg." The actor, who is hoping for a Hollywood comeback, adds, "I'm clean, sober, humble and happy." Haim was recently immortalized in the title of The Thrills' new single "Whatever Happened To Corey Haim?"

Uh, Corey, I hate to tell you this, but you have no choice but to be humble. Although I guess taking 85 Valium a day--plus an assortment of whatnot--IS something to crow about. Maybe The Coreys should be in the re-make of "Valley of the Dolls?" Wouldn't THAT be something? "Dude, Where Are My Dolls?" could be the title. This is GOLD, people, I am giving away SOLID GOLD. Sigh.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Ugh. The Republican Convention makes me want to curl up in the fetal position, wrap myself in a blankie, and not get out of bed until it's over. In the mean time, here's some ridiculous non-news you can't use; unfortunately, it too is RNC-related (albeit funny, funny, funny). According to Richard "Dick" Johnson:

"The dearth of A-list celebrities attending the Republican National Convention has unleashed a bevy of B-listers on the town, including former liberal Stephen Baldwin.

Though he doesn't admit to being a Republican, the actor is throwing his support to the team of George W. Bush and Dick Cheney under the banner of his new, born-again Christianity.

"I'm there to support the man I believe has the most faith. That's who I'm voting for," Baldwin told PAGE SIX's Lisa Marsh. "I believe the next president should be a guy who is being led by God. I believe there is one guy, and that's the guy I want to vote for."

The star of such screen gems as "Threesome," "Bio-Dome," and "The Sex-Monster" made his radical life-change after witnessing his wife Kennya's transformation.

"It made me curious," Baldwin admitted. "And then I jumped on the eternal bandwagon, so to speak."

With his brothers Alec and Billy still serving as staunch supporters of Democratic candidates — Alec's even floated the idea of running for office himself — the atmosphere at Baldwin family events is sure to be heavy. But, "I don't have a perception about that," Stephen said and declined to discuss his brothers further.

Interestingly, he's found a way to combine his almost 20 years of experience in the movie industry with his new-found faith. Baldwin served as co-producer, director and host of a DVD called "Livin' It," a skateboarding and BMX bike racing film.

"These are edgy, radical skateboarders who put on demonstrations and use them as a platform for evangelism," Stephen explained. "These tattooed, pierced radical guys live a lifestyle that follows the word of God and they present it in a new, edgy way. It's a Christian product that satisfies the purpose of evangelism."

After selling 50,000 DVDs in seven months, Baldwin is in talks to produce sequels that feature surfing and snowboarding.

It's through this platform that Baldwin hopes to motivate the 4 million Christian youth who didn't vote in the last election, his spokesman said."

OK, first of all, Alec Baldwin is an A-Lister, Billy Baldwin is a B-Lister, and Stephen Baldwin is a Z-lister. (The other brother is on no list at all). Stephen looks like a deranged monkey with highlights. I bet Alec is going to beat the crap out of him for becoming a born-again Christian Bush supporter. I can't help it; even though Alec probably was the worst husband in the world (to horrible Kim Basinger--a match made in the bowels of hell), even though he seems like a jerk and a weirdo (the uncontrolled rage, the custody battles), I still have a soft spot for the guy. He was great in "Miami Blues" and that movie by the Farrelly Brothers ("Outside Providence," I believe it was called) and who could forget the unmitigated GENIUS of his Saturday Night Live performances, especially as Charles Nelson Reilly on "Inside the Actor's Studio"? And now his loser younger brother (seriously, it's like their looks and smarts genes got watered down with each successive brother until you end up with that fat one I don't even want to mention); the only redeeming feature of the family as a unit was that they were total old-school Irish Democrats. And now Stephen has screwed it all up; I never thought it would be possible but he is even MORE of a human joke than before--extreme Christian skateboarding videos? WTF? Maybe he should get together with Lisa Whelchel and get Tabasco to sponser his snowboarding venture.

In other non-news, I watched most of the MTV Video Music Awards chez Tanya B. and it was the biggest snooze-fest EVER. What hath Nipplegate wrought? There was no host; Dave Chappelle got like ten seconds to do half of one joke; the most entertaining and interesting spectacle of the whole event was Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips bringing the award statue out while rolling over the audience in a giant plastic bubble. THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT!! Dullsville! Boring! Yawn! Snooze! AND WHAT WAS UP WITH BRUCE WILLIS? His hideous visage was leering into the camera every five seconds. Bruce gettin' jiggy with P. Diddy is the stuff of NIGHTMARES. And, worst of all, they cut so many "dirty" words out of the live performances that it was like listening to someone play a song for you over a cell phone while you drive through a tunnel in a mountain in the middle of nowhere during a rainstorm--annoying as hell!!! J'accuse, MTV, for putting on the lamest VMA'S of all time! J'accuse!

Friday, August 27, 2004

The new Vice magazine is out, and as usual, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, Vice is somewhat loathesome: so hipper than thou, even as it puts down "hipsters," so mean to the poor people unlucky enough to have their pictures commented on, so incredibly New Yawk. But on the other hand, it is often very, very funny. And free. This new issue is all "Dos & Don'ts," and I have to say that I agreed with 99% of what they said, such as "Gents over 30! Do you realize that the 18-year-old girl that you are dating makes you look like the biggest creep in the world? All decent men hate you." Also: "Men who do any kind of serious grooming at all are fucking losers. Highlights, gel, eyebrow plucking, chest waxing, pedicures (shudder)--all that shit is totally unacceptable at any age." And how about: "If you listen carefully, you'll never hear straight guys say the aren't into fat chicks. 'She's too fat' is the kind of thing gay guys and mean girls say. Real men could care less." (Oh, would that that be true!) The one thing I didn't go for: "Women may not paint their toenails any color darker than pink. All this bloodred and brown is making us barf, so please stop." Yeah, I don't think so, Vice magazine. My tootsies are currently "Perchance Milady, Mightn't I Have A Wee Cranberry Scone" or somesuch nonsense from the good people at OPI and their faux English line of fall colors. So barf away, not that I will be traipsing through Brooklyn while barefoot anytime soon. Otherwise, good job. Apparently they have put out a whole book out of just the photos with the mean/funny captions; like a train wreck, I may not be able to look away...
A truly terrible tragedy just happened: three fraternity brothers were killed in a fire at the Alpha Tau Omega house at the University of Mississippi, according to CNN. Far be it from me to make even the remotest ironic comment on something of this magnitude; OF COURSE my tiny heart goes out to the friends and families of these young men. BUT, if you are anything at all like me, you like to keep up with the various and sundry ridiculously-over-the-top hazing/racism incidents that fraternity boys seem to enjoy as much as picking olives up with their buttcheeks off blocks of ice. So I was thinking to myself, "Is this THE SAME U of M frat house that posted that horribly racist photo on the internet a few years ago?" And, lo and behold, it was. CNN.com says:

"In 2001, the university suspended the fraternity because two members appeared in an Internet-posted photograph showing a man dressed as a police officer holding a gun to a man in black face pretending to pick cotton."

The members were expelled and the fraternity was reinstated after being barred from campus for a year. So, obviously, there is absolutely NO karmic link between these events, NONE WHATSOEVER.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Blogger was down for a minute or so and I couldn't post anything! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! The sky is falling, the sky is falling!

OK. I'm better now.

To read a funny article about Stephen Colbert, fake news correspondent extraordinaire from "The Daily Show," in today's NY Times, go:

  • HERE!

  • Note the velvet "swooning couch" (me wantie!) and the Lord of the Rings theme in his office. I think "The Daily Show"'s coverage of the GOP convention is probably the ONLY one I will be able to stomach--if Terri R. lets me watch it on her cable, that is.
    Well, apres le deluge, etc etc. After yesterday's downpour comes today's dry spell. Still, there are a couple of teensy tiny morsels of non-news today.

    First up, according to the IMDB, Posh Spice is preggers with her third child. Gee, do you think this has anything to do with damage-control after her husband David "Becks" Beckhams's numerous affairs with assistants, models, etc? Nothing like conceiving a new life to make the rabid British public forget about his dirty text-messaging. And what better reason for the miracle of birth?

    "Pals of former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and her soccer star husband David Beckham have confirmed reports the celebrity couple are expecting another baby are true. The glamorous couple are desperate for a little sister for their two sons, Brooklyn, five, and Romeo, one, and recent visits to London's childbirth expert Dr Malcolm Gillard - who delivered their eldest offspring - sparked rumors Victoria was again an expecting mother. The Beckhams remain silent about the reports, but pals of the pair - currently based in Spain where David plays soccer for Real Madrid - insist the speculation's accurate. One says, 'She's over the moon. She's had a touch of morning sickness, but for the rest of the time she can't stop smiling. She's had no real work commitments at the moment - it's the perfect time to have another child. She's been consulting Dr Gillard and everyone's keeping their fingers crossed that it's good news.'"

    HA! "No real work commitments at the moment"--HA HA HA! How about for the last five years, minimum? Her career is as lifeless and inert as her personality! Ha ha ha! "Work commitments." That's rich, that's really rich.

    In more somber news, everyone's all-time favorite self-insulting comic is recovering from majory surgery. The IMDB says:

    "Rodney Dangerfield is recovering in a Los Angeles hospital after undergoing heart valve replacement surgery on Wednesday. The ailing Caddyshack star, 82, underwent brain surgery last year to reduce the chances of having a stroke during this week's operation at the University of California, Los Angeles Medical Center (UCLA). His spokesman Kevin Sasaki says, 'I'm pleased to announce that Rodney Dangerfield made it through his surgery and is currently resting comfortably in intensive care over at UCLA.'"

    His heart valve, at least, is getting some respect! Nyuk nyuk nyuk. I LOVE Rodney Dangerfield, barring his INCREDIBLY creepy and dread-inducing performance as the abusive father in "Natural Born Killers." (Shudder.) Did anyone else love "Back to School" as much as I did? Sure, I haven't seen it in like, 15 years, but I have (possiibly misplaced) fond memories of "Help me straighten out my Longfellow" or whatever it was. "Caddyshack," of course, should be in the National Archives. No respect, I tell you, no respect at all!

    Thursday, August 26, 2004

    Wow, there's a TON of silly, ridiculous non-news today! First up, Aaron W. sent me a feverish MySpace message reporting that the Dave Matthews Band are in trouble for dumping their tourbus' load of raw sewage onto the heads of tourists who were riding on a boat on the Chicago River. The bus was on a bridge overhead. The Dave Matthews Band is denying that their driver did this, but the license plates reported by several victims match those on one of his tourbuses. Some of this rain of crap ended up in the eyes and mouths of the tourists! EWWW! What I want to know is: How can they tell if it was feces and urine OR just the latest Dave Matthews record being dropped? Ba dum dum. (Thank you ladies and germs, try the veal, etc.) By the way, I was having trouble getting Aaron's forwarded link to work so I did a Google search with the keywords "Dave Matthews feces boat" and of the thousands of sites that came up, only a few were about this story! HA ha ha! Here's the IMDB version of what happened:

    "The Dave Matthews Band have been accused of unloading 800 pounds of human waste from their tour bus onto a boat filled with passengers. The state of Illinois is suing the band for violating state laws amid claims their driver drenched more than 100 people in sewage, after he emptied the septic tank through a grate into the Chicago river. A spokesperson for the group says, "Our driver has stated that he was not involved in this incident." He adds that the band "will continue to be co-operative in this investigation". The "So Much To Say" group are facing civil penalties of $70,000 for allegedly violating water pollution and public nuisance legislation."

    Yeah, I think I'm going to file a complaint about the Dave Matthews Band's being a "public nuisance," just for existing. Also, I hate to admit this, but I didn't know there was a Chicago River. My geography is terrible and I've never been to Chicago, but I only knew about Lake Michigan, and that was from old "ER" episodes. Well, I have less important things on mind, obviously.

    The IMDB is also reporting that Halle Berry distributed all her ex-husband's clothes to the homeless after he took too long to come by and pick them up. You go girl:

    "Hollywood beauty Halle Berry has reportedly donated her estranged husband Eric Benet's clothes to homeless Los Angeles residents. The Monster's Ball star's soul singer spouse Benet moved out of their Hollywood home in October following their split after two and a half years of marriage. According to British newspaper The Sun, Berry has repeatedly asked the hitmaker to pick up his belongings from the house, but finally lost her patience and brought the garments to a charity collection point. A friend says, 'Halle was boiling mad. She found it hurtful having his stuff around. There will be nicely dressed tramps around.'"

    First of all, on what planet is Eric Benet a "hitmaker?" And can you IMAGINE the open-to-the-navel-shirts-and-leather-pants-outfits that are being put together by L.A.'s homeless population? Hee hee hee, I love a woman on a warpath! God, that guy was SUCH a jerk. See ladies? It doesn't matter how gorgeous you are, you can still end up with a leather-bepanted cheater.

    THEN in Richard "Dick" Johnson's Page Six column, we have an update on THE FACTS OF LIFE'S LISA WHELCHEL!!!!Johnson writes that Whelchel, who played Blair Warner on the show, do the delight of chubby pre-teens everywhere in mid-80s America,

    "has blossomed into an evangelical Christian author who advocates "hot saucing," in which children are disciplined by putting hot sauce on their tongue. Whelchel, who promotes the practice in her book, "Creative Correction: Extraordinary Ideas for Everyday Discipline" (Focus on the Family/Tyndale House), tells the Washington Post: "A correction has to hurt a little. An effective deterrent has to touch the child in some way. I don't think Tabasco is such a bad thing." Her book suggests a "tiny" bit of hot sauce be used, and offers alternatives such as lemon juice and vinegar. Discipline involves "drawing a line to protect the child." If you say, so, Lisa: but it sounds like child abuse to us."

    OMG. What a kook! I knew she was some kind of born-again Christian, but "hot saucing"? Jesus H. Christ! I love a nutty nutball, I really do, but advocating the semi-torture of young children? Just think of all the weirdos out there who will read this book and think: "Little Johnny was extra-unChristian today, I think I better squirt Tabasco sauce into his eyeballs! WWLWD?"

    In other great tv news, Dickie Johnson reported that Tommy Hilfiger may be doing his OWN reality show:

    "The glamorous life of a fashionista is coming to a tube near you. PAGE SIX has learned Tommy Hilfiger just signed a deal with CBS to be the subject of a reality television show. It's surprising that the red, white and blue-toting titan would wade into the reality pool after his daughter Ally's disastrous turn on the MTV show "Rich Girls," which resulted in a stint in rehab and ruined her friendship with the other rich girl, Jamie Gleicher."

    Yes, that was a tragic time for this nation. We all remember where we were when we heard that Ally Hilfiger and Jamie Gleicher were no longer bestest friends. A sad day for the human race.

    And finallly, at least for right now, John Waters' new movie "A Dirty Shame" got the ix-nay from the Catholic Church, and he was so horrified he got right on the phone and called Dickie:

    "John Waters proudly alerted PAGE SIX to a bad review of his new movie, "A Dirty Shame," by the Catholic News Service, which rated the flick "O — morally offensive." The review cited "almost non-stop rough, crude and profane language, full frontal nudity, sexual imagery, obscene gestures, scatological humor, casual portrayal and descriptions of deviant sexual practices, a glorification of freewheeling sex and some sacrilegious imagery." Crowed Waters, "I don't know if I can get a better review than that!" The comedic campfest about sex addicts starring Johnny Knoxville, Tracy Ullman, Chris Isaak and Selma Blair opens Sept. 24. "

    Ha! I LOVE it that John Waters has some kind of red phone "hotline" to Page Six so he can tell them all about this stuff! He is a national treasure. I can't wait for Sept. 24!

    Wednesday, August 25, 2004

    Here's one reason why I love buying books at thrift stores: My replacement copy of Nick Hornsby's "High Fidelity" had two unused 37 cent stamps between two pages! Here's one reason I don't love buying books at thrift stores: A few pages later I found a fragment of a Playtex tampon wrapper. I am a little afraid to continue reading. What will be next? I shudder at the thought. Still, a bargain IS a bargain...
    Anyone who knows me knows that I have what I prefer to call a "European attitude" towards bathing and cleanliness. So I am not one of those obsessive/compulsive types who is easily grossed-out--especially since my dog developed permanent irritable bowel syndrome. But even I have my limits, and here it is: There's ANOTHER Britney-Spears-barefoot-in-public-bathroom pic floating around! Yuck, yuck, and double yuck. I didn't comment on the LAST one, because really ONCE is hardly non-news. But TWICE? Huzzah! It's a bona-fide trend! Will millions of Britney-ettes emulate their idol by padding around gas station restrooms barefoot? Will an epidemic of foot fungus sweep the pre-teen nation? We can only hope! To see the latest photo of Ms.Spears en flagrante deyucktico, go:

  • HERE!

  • Note the poor soul whose hand is visible as Britney yanks the door open. What a nightmare! You go into a bathroom to pee or whatever and the next thing you know the world press is snapping pictures of you trying to keep a barefoot-but-behatted-and-harem-pants-wearing Britney Spears out of your private business! Seriously, I would have died.
    Have I mentioned my love of "The Golden Girls" before? Well, j'adore les filles golden and now especiallement Bea Arthur! (J'adore fake french, too, obviously--or should I say, "faux francais"). The IMDB reports:

    "Golden Girls star Bea Arthur sparked a security scare at Boston's Logan International Airport earlier this week when she tried to board a flight with a pocketknife in her handbag. The actress, 81, was about to board a Cape Air flight when a Transportation Security Administration (TSA) agent discovered the offensive article in her belongings, which is strictly forbidden on airplanes since the September 11th attacks. A fellow passenger says, "She started yelling that it wasn't hers and said 'The terrorists put it there'. She kept yelling about the 'terrorists, the terrorists, the terrorists'." After the knife was confiscated by TSA officials, the funnywoman pulled out a key ring from her bag and told the agent it belonged to the "terrorists", before throwing it at them. As she boarded the plane, the Emmy-winning star told the TSA employees, "We're all doomed." A spokeswoman for Cape Air says, 'Miss Arthur was cracking jokes and was a real character.' "

    How insane to be boarding a plane with Maude and have her screaming "the terrorists, the terrorists" and "we're all doomed!" Hee hee! Seriously, don't security people watch tv? DON'T THEY KNOW WHO SHE IS?? And even if they never watched the Lifetime network in their lives, she's an old lady! Give her a break! My Heart Bea-longs to Bea Arthur!

    In other non-news, there's a little tidbit in Richard "Dick" Johnson's column that warmed my cockles. I love nothing more than a couple breaking up who recently appeared in an "Our Lives Are Perfect" puff piece--ha ha HA! The happy couple in question? Handbag/manbag mavens Kate and Andy Spade, who recently had a big spread in "Vanity Fair" about their wonderful, ultra-chic, totally fulfilling PERFECT lives. Here's what Johnson had to say:

    "There's trouble in the land of preppy perfection. Pixie couple Kate and Andy Spade have separated, with Kate holing up in New York and Andy off to stay with his brother, actor David Spade, on the West Coast. Spade has already vacated his CEO position at the handbag company the couple co-founded. "Andy doesn't want to be known as Mr. Kate Spade. He's never been comfortable in the fashion world," a close confidant shared. Since the company was sold to Neiman Marcus in 1999, "Andy wants to walk away. He wants to be working in television and film," we're told. A rep for Kate Spade said the two remain married."

    Say it ain't so! Not the pixie preppies! I have GOT to find that article about them, I just have way too many magazines! It was chock full of photos of their fabulous, romantic, made-for-each-other ideal marriage. Don't get me wrong, I do not enjoy other people's misery (unless the person is Demi Moore or Gwyneth "Flapjacks" Paltrow), but when they go out of their way to create a brand image based on the idealization of their own lives and said idealization is a TOTAL SHAM created/controlled by p.r. people and 'handlers' and makes people feel crappy about their not-so-pixie-preppie lives, well, then, I am not too choked up when the lie is exposed and once again us little people realize that we don't have to feel so bad about our own less-than-perfect existences. So there! On the other hand, I do think jetting off to live with David Spade is going overboard. Why consign yourself to hell, Mr. Andy Spade? Are you a glutton for punishment or what? Sure he's your brother, but you are rich. YOU HAVE OPTIONS!!!

    Tuesday, August 24, 2004

    Not a whole lot going on. Richard "Dick" Johnson reports that Laura Bush refused to have a photo-op with P. Diddy at the new Underground Railroad Museum opening, so he pulled out of the event altogether (what a baby!). Oh, and we can all breathe a sigh of relief, because our long national nightmare is over: Mandy Moore denies being a "closeted" Hollywood Republican, according to the IMDB:

    "Singer and actress Mandy Moore is furious at being "outed" as a secret Republican in the new issue of America's Details magazine. The publication's upcoming September edition lists Adam Sandler, Freddie Prinze Jr., Jessica Simpson, Shannen Doherty and Moore as silent supporters of current US President George W. Bush who don't join the campaign trail and make their political views known, unlike loud and proud Democrats Ben Affleck and Barbra Streisand. However, the A Walk To Remember beauty has angrily denied she supports Bush and his party. Her publicist tells American website Pagesix.Com, 'Mandy is not, nor has she ever been, a Republican.'"

    Sheeesh, Details Magazine. Have you finally no sense of decency? Eh? Poor little Mandy. And what's up with Adam Sandler? Why is HE a Republican? Jessica Simpson (ditz) and Shannon Doherty (bitch; hates the "little people") I can understand. Freddie Prinze, Jr. may have inherited some of his father's instability or something. But Adam Sandler? Oy vey!

    Monday, August 23, 2004

    Hallelujah! Just what I needed to perk me up in the darkest hours of Dogwatch 2004: the new Star Magazine! AND on the cover: "Stars' Crazy Meltdowns!" Hurrah! The pictures are HYSTERICAL, naturally. I LOVE IT when they go through the files and dig up the most unflattering facial expressions for each celeb. Even though most of the meltdowns were, in fact, old news, it is still highly enjoyable and there were a few little things I hadn't heard before...Let's run through the highlights, shall we?

    First, Martha Stewart thought a makeup artist was using too hard a brush while applying blush, so Martha grabbed the brush and jabbed him in the face with it, screaming, "How do you like it? How do you like it?" (AWESOME.) AND one time Martha was at her bank in swanky Seal Harbor, Maine and thought the man in front of her should let her go first. She asked my number one all-time favorite celeb question: "Don't you know who I am?" and the man replied, "I'm David Rockefeller, and if I don't mind waiting, I don't think you should either." Ha ha ha ha!

    Next up is Jennifer Anniston and her public crying jags (during a Diane Sawyer interview--yawn); and Star insinuates that Jen had her director fired from her latest movie because he rewrote "steamy sex scenes for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie" on THEIR movie earlier this year. She also apparently "complained about her hair and demanded changes and reshoots" because of her EXTENSIONS that need a whole lot of TLC and special, special treatment, much like a pet or small child. See why we shouldn't feel bad over our own non-celeb, non-superlong, non-lustrous hair? Because it is all FAKE FAKE FAKE! It costs thousands of dollars! She practically has to have a "hair sitter" just to make sure it doesn't hurt itself!

    Then it's on to the old Naomi Campbell-serial-maid-beating thing: rolling around on the floor fighting with her maid earlier this month; holding her personal assistant hostage, beating her up, throwing her on a couch, and throwing a phone at her; and back in 1998, an ex-assistant won a settlement from La Campbell over what else? Being hit with a phone and almost getting thrown out of a moving car. Naomi, don't go changin'--I love you just the way you ARRRRE!

    Courtney Love.

    Christian Slater (drug-induced meltdown at a party in 1997--punched girlfriend in face, bit host on stomach, wrestled with cops; 1989 car chase ending with him kicking cop) and his lovely, demure wife (2003 glass-thrown-at-Christian's-head incident in Vegas strip club). The beauty and sanctity of holiest matrimony never fails to warm my heart!

    Chris "Mr. Flapjacks" Martin: mostly beating up photographers, one for taking pictures of him while surfing badly (didn't want to "look like a tosser"--too late for THAT, Mr. Martin!), the other for taking picture of a pregnant "Flapjacks."

    Paris Hilton: beaten up, possibly by Nick Carter; catfight with Lisa Marie Presley (!) over Nicolas Cage (!); another catfight with Shannen Doherty (!) over Rick Salomon (!) who later released the infamous tape of their precious, sacred night of romantic lovemaking. Doherty ended the fight by egging Hilton's car. My virtual hat is off to you, Ms. Doherty.

    Andy Dick.

    And a wee little Hall of Fame tribute to the "grand dame of meltdowns" Anne Heche, who told Barbara Walters that she was found roaming around Fresno, California because "I was told to go to a place where I would meet a spaceship."

    Now, I can think of a few other meltdowns that should have made the Hall of Fame (hello? Margot Kidder?), and I don't really think Jennifer Anniston's behavior truly qualifies as a "meltdown." She just sounds more like a fragile basketcase who is in WAY over her head. Plus Courtney Love and Andy Dick's WHOLE LIVES are really just long-drawn-out meltdowns. But kudos, Star, for using other people's diva fits/public disturbances/misery to bring a little sunshine into my life, yet again.

    Also in this issue: Debbie Harry is in "Knifestlyles of the Rich & Famous;" a ridiculous "Will Justin & Cameron Marry?" article complete with "WHAT JUSTIN & CAMERON'S KIDS MIGHT LOOK LIKE" (Answer: Frightening!) and Cameron's head superimposed over a wedding dress model's body; Anna Nicole Smith frightening young children at a summer camp; another effort to make Victoria Gotti's hideous troll-doll sons into pin-ups (eeek!); Helena Bonham-Carter picking her toenail and then using same hand to eat a sandwich (hee hee); absolutely hilarious featurette on "New Bosom Buddies!" Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid and their overexposed ginormous in-your-face fake, fake, fake ta-ta's; naturally a whole spread on stars' post-baby-bods, part of a continuing effort to make me violently angry; and, I'm saving the best for last, "How Mary Kay Got MORE BEAUTIFUL BEHIND BARS"--which I had actually been wondering about, because she does look really great for a convicted child rapist who spent almost seven years in prison. Apparently she made regular visits to the jail's cosmetology shop for "deep conditioning and trims," had a monthly visit with an Avon lady, and "for special occasions like court dates and visits with her children, Mary Kay culred her hair with tampons." She did yoga and Pilates (prison is quite different from my imaginings) AND she also grew her out her hair really long--for Vili Fualaau, her former child lovah! Then they did a page on others who looked better after prison: Amy Fisher ("lost her double chin"); Bambi Bemenek ("managed to refine her fresh-faced look throughout her years in the slammer"); and the exception, Heidi Fleiss, who they think (and I must agree) looks way way way WORSE after jail, collagen lip abuse, and being beaten up by Tom Sizemore. How could she not?

    Well done, Star, well done!

    Sunday, August 22, 2004

    The Corgi is back in the hospital, for the exact thing he had twice before. For those who know me (and Bugsy), you will understand that I am too depressed to write today.

    Saturday, August 21, 2004

    The weekend is the cruellest time for non-news hounds, and this one is no exception. So far all I've got is this, courtesy of Mr. Richard "Dick" Johnson":

    "OK, we get it — you're really not that innocent, Britney Spears. The increasingly prurient pop tart left British TV host Simon Amstell speechless during a recent interview. When he asked her what the last thing she'd had in her mouth was, she replied, "A dildo." Skanks for the memories, Britney! Simon tells London's Daily Mirror: 'I was doing this interview with Britney and I had my usual set of silly questions. I thought her answer would be something like chicken escalope. Anyway, her people stepped in and cut that bit out.'"

    Well, you have to admire her honesty. Her dirty, filthy honesty.

    Friday, August 20, 2004

    Oh, the humanity! I just got a glimpse of a picture of Tara Reid on Awful Plastic Surgery, and I thought at first it was going to be about how she'd gotten beaten up or had a bad eyelift or something, but noooooooooooooo, that's just her face! The focus was actually on her incredibly stretched-out chest skin trying desperately to cover her ginormous fake boobs! The caption rightly points out that you could drive a truck through her cleavage (which she has festively decorated with a "Do Not Disturb" sign). Jesus H. Christ, this girl looks like a truck stop lot lizard! She's a beaten down old hag with horrible too-tan bazoombas! OMG! To see the ravages of too much partying, too much silicone, and too much EVERYTHING on a once pretty girl go:

  • HERE!

  • Bless her skanky little heart!
    Ooooh la la, there's a gossip storm a'comin'! The Austin Chronicle's "style avatar" Stephen Moser wrote this week that the upcoming issue of Us Weekly is going to report that Winona Ryder was caught shoplifting at swanky By George clothing store, right here in A-Town, while she was here filming a movie. BUT Moser says the store's owners deny that the story is true! Local tongues have been wildly wagging about this for quite some time, but now that it is going into the Bible (Us Weekly), it better turn out to be true or someone might get slapped with a libel suit! Stay tuned! (Please note that in a previous post I said that Winona came into my humble shop TWICE, was perfectly nice, and never pinched a thing. Should I be insulted? I could've gotten into Us!!! DAMN!)
    Kind of a slow non-news day. In real news, there was a piece on CNN about two campers found shot to death on a beach in Northern California, which reinforces my longheld belief that CAMPING SUCKS and is dangerous. Here's more proof that serial killers are just WAITING for me to go camping. AND there's no hairdryer outlet.

    In the less depressing realm of the non-news (which is why I like it so much!), we have this little bit o' fluff from Richard "Dick" Johnson, naturally. And, of course, it's tied in to Vincent Gallo and "The Brown Bunny":

    "Chloe Sevigny was everywhere this week, starting Monday at the star-studded New York premiere of Vincent Gallo's "Brown Bunny." The audience seemed embarrassed for Chloe and mystified why she agreed to take the role. At the end of a mind-numbingly tedious cross-country trip which takes up almost the entire movie, Gallo gets oral sex from the actress in hard-core close-up. We won't say who among the likes of Sean Lennon and his date Elizabeth Jagger, Tatum O'Neal, David Copperfield, James Toback and Bridget Hall nodded off at the Sunshine Cinema on Houston Street, or who tittered when Gallo revealed his manhood to the willing Sevigny. One viewer snickered, 'The one thing this movie will accomplish is getting Vincent more dates — and Chloe, too, come to think of it.'"

    Hee-hee! "Mind-numbingly tedious." Ha ha ha! I Heart Vincent Gallo! I can't get enough of that crazy nutball!

    OK, since the pickens are so slim today, I will fill in with a movie review. The Four Horsewomen of the Apocolypse (Me, Terri R., Michele S., and Ursula F.) went to see "Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story," at the Alamo Drafthouse last night. "Blackballed" won the Audience Prize at the South By Southwest Film Festival and was brought back for a special two-night engagement (it's playing again on Sunday). Sadly and inexplicably, this hysterically funny movie has not been picked up for distribution yet. It stars Rob Corddry, of "The Daily Show," as Bobby Dukes, a "world-famous paintball player" who disgraced himself ten years ago by "wiping," the most forbidden form of paintball cheating. Bobby is back after being banned from the sport for a decade; no one from his former team will play with him again, so he recruits a bunch of misfits--the ref who called him for "wiping," his sister who has never played before, a Canadian "Zen"-influenced player, a video-game player who also has never played paintball, and finally, and most brilliantly, an over-the-top gung-ho "Kill! Kill! Kill!" uber-aggressive faux military paintball fanatic. This film is a "mockumentary," following Bobby's return to his tough guy paintball mentor, the formation of the new team, and the big Paintball Classic, in which Bobby faces his old nemesis. One of the funniest themes in the movie is that everyone in it acts like paintball is a world-renowned mega-sport with its own magazines, product endorsements, superstars, etc. Bobby's nemesis lives in a penthouse in NY and has handlers and is internationally famous (and a very funny JERK). The performances are great (much of the cast is recognizable from various and sundry VH1 or Comedy Central shows), the dialogue is great, with what seemed like a lot of ad-libbing (the military guy screams "Swallow my load! SWALLOW MY LOAD!" during a match) and the whole concept is loaded (as it were) with charm. A real treat! Go see it on Sunday, you will not be disappointed. Thanks to Michele S. for telling me about this great movie, I would not have know about it otherwise. And to Terri R. for driving our Bucket-of-Beer-swilling selves to and fro!

    Thursday, August 19, 2004

    Speaking of the Olympics, Terri R. and I were watching them on her cable last night and we were agog at the new vault they are using. We both decided we didn't like it, not one bit. It's funny looking and lacks the aura of danger and dread the old kind had in spades. Well, we are not alone in our views! Terri R.'s fave rave comedian Christian Finnegan posted this today on his website:

    "Apparently they got rid of the old vaulting horse because it was deemed "dangerous". And in response, I have but one word: Exactly. Why the fuck do you think I'm watching Olympic gymnastics in the first place? To see some Romanian girl with a hardluck story (is there any other kind?) score a perfect ten? Hell, no. I watch because I know there there is the chance, however slight, that I might get to see a growth-stunted anorexic totally wreck herself on national TV. Call me cruel, but that's good TV."

    Exactamundo! Well said, sir. To read more of Mr. Finnegan's funnies, go:

  • HERE!

  • I don't usually interject much of my own life--such as it is--into Felt Up: The Blog, as I am not, in fact, famous--but in the spirit of the Olympics, I thought I'd share my own recent sports triumph. Tuesday was Terri R.'s birthday, so a few of us ladies of distinction went out and got pretty plastered in her honor. We ended up at an Irish bar, in a corner booth with long wooden benches. I was telling a HILARIOUS story about the time I was doing some living-room karaoke (as is my wont) and was interrupted by my friends' roommate and his girlfriend walking in smack dab in the middle of my patented Mick Jagger impersonation--rooster walk, strut, strut, turn, do the splits--in the middle of "Sympathy for the Devil." So the ladies and I were discussing the relative difficulty of pulling off the splits at our ripe old age when I thought: Hey! I'm wearing the SAME slit-up-the-sides skirt I was wearing while doing the Mick Jagger routine...I could do a demonstration right here in the bar, on this bench! IT. COULD. WORK. And voila! I was doing the Barroom Splits (not to be confused with the Ballroom Blitz). This was the dreaded "Chinese Splits," mind you (sorry, I don't know the P.C. name for it). I also did a left splits for good measure. Ursula F. has the proof on her digital camera. And the real miracle is that I'm not even sore! Sure, I lost a tiny bit of my dignity, but it was worth it! For Terri R.! For America! Do you believe in unlikelihoods? THE DREAM IS ALIVE!! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!!! (Cue national anthem. Flag raising. Tears of joy.)
    In the new Page Six, Richard "Dick" Johnson writes that Kerry "flip-flopped" on the issue of Catherine Zeta-Jones' hotness. Jeez, I wish John Kerry would keep his trap shut, especially about such important matters, because he is making me like him less and less. Don't get me wrong, I will vote for him no matter what, but he sure makes it hard for a girl to take a shine to him personally:

    "Kerry apparently found Zeta-Jones too zaftig for his taste. While being interviewed for a recent profile in Newsweek, Teresa volunteered that when she and her husband saw the movie "Chicago," he much preferred Renee Zellweger's slender physique to that of her curvier co-star, Zeta-Jones.

    "You thought she was . . ." Heinz-Kerry teased her husband, laughing and holding her hands out wide."

    Boo! Hiss! "Too zaftig?" I mean CZJ may scare the crap out of me, but her beauty is really not up for debate in my book. She is just gorgeous. Perfect, really. Bill Clinton would not have thought her "too zaftig," I can tell you that! Look at Monica Lewinsky (bless her heart); she was always being called a "fat girl" or whatever and I always thought she was very attractive (and human--she goes up and down in weight like the rest of us; will show off her thong to the President of the United States at the drop of a hat--just like the rest of us). ARGH! When I make my "Kirstie" pro-fat-pride bracelets, I will send a case over to CZJ. No, wait, she would have me killed. I will send them to Kerry. He needs to realize that WOMEN DON'T LIKE TO HEAR THAT MEN THINK CZJ IS TOO FAT!!!Where does that leave the rest of us? And by the way, I thought Renee Zellweger looked like a squinty skeleton in "Chicago." Now she looks much better; she's still squinty, though. How can she see? Does she read Braille?

    Wednesday, August 18, 2004

    OK I'm back. On my way home I encountered a large herd of small children wandering the streets like a mini-"Night of the Living Dead" in front of the Erwin Center. Most were very young, holding onto their mommies' hands. Sesame Street Live, I asked myself? The circus? Ice Skaters on Ice? No siree. They were all flocking to see Hillary Duff (With Special Guest Halie Duff!). What surprised me was a)Hillary Duff can fill the Erwin Center and b)these were not tweens but tiny children. I really thought her demographic was SLIGHTLY older. Was NOT surprised to see a young gay boy amongst a gaggle of girls, however.

    Forgot to mention that yesterday I went to look at a gym (HA HA HA--"gym"), you know, for kicks and whatnot, and the guy who made me the smoothie that I thought was free from the way he talked about it (and then informed me was $5 if I didn't sign up for a membership AFTER he made it) told me (as I sulkily sipped the unwanted $5 smoothie) that Sandra Bullock worked out at this gym last week and that she has "a great booty." Smoothie Pimp went on to tell me that he hadn't known prior to her workout that "Sandra must have some SOUTH in her, DAMN!" I took this to mean that somehow southern women have bigger butts than their yankee counterparts (J. Lo not included, naturellement). Did not join gym. Do not want comparisons made between my booty and Sandy Bullock's while we workout and sip smoothies. Also do not want to workout. Ever.

    In today's NY Times there is an interesting article about John Cameron Mitchell, who directed and starred in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." I had heard from Terri R. that he was working on a new movie that incorporates real sex in a totally artistic/amusing/non-porn way, but there have been scant details about the project--until now! Sadly, Mr. Mitchell has only raised $60,000 so far and needs another $2 million, so it may be a while before his sex-filled masterpiece is unveiled before my highly appreciative eyes; in the mean time, some tidbits: Mitchell's father was the US military commander in West Berlin during the 1980s (hence the East/West German thing in "Hedwig"). When Mitchell came out to his father, he took it pretty well and even wore a foam wig to the "Hedwig" premiere! I think I have a crush on John Cameron Mitchell's dad! His mother sounds like a ballbuster. To read more about Mitchell and his vision quest, go:

  • HERE!

  • From the "Does This Mean I Have To Get Cable Or At Least Give Terri R. Some Money For Constantly Watching Hers?" File: There's a rumor going around that everybody's favorite All-A-Trashicans Britney Spears and Kevin Federline may POSSIBLY replace Nick-n-Jessica on MTV'S "Newlyweds" after they share their precious, holy bond with five thousand special friends (including, if there is a God, Tara Reid and Lindsay Lohan) sometime in the near future. Can you IMAGINE how incredibly awesome this would be? Just reading their interview with People was enough to almost kill me ("Oh, baby, really? Oh, baby. Baby? Really? Oh, baby!" etc etc). We could THRILL to Britney picking up a crumpled pair of short-shorts in a heap off the floor and never, ever taking them off again for the duration of the show. MARVEL as Britney orders "Baby" to the empty the Cheeto-bag-filled trashcans. FREAK OUT whenever Shar comes over with Kevin's babies. SQUEAL when Britney tackles her embarrassing, and constant, zit breakouts. FEEL SMUGLY SUPERIOR even though Britney could buy and sell all of us in a heartbeat.

    O Lord, hear my plea: We are a troubled nation. We need solace and comfort during a time of war and financial uncertainty. Lord, GIVE US THIS FREAKING TV SHOW, DAMMIT!!!

    Just a quickie today, I'm afraid; I have to go out of town. But fear not, I leave you with a little token of my esteem, via Richard "Dick" Johnson:

    "In Las Vegas last weekend, Lindsay Lohan balked when asked by a fan to take a photo. As reported in the Las Vegas Review Journal, the Titian-haired teen growled, 'Get away or I'll kick your ass right here.'"

    Ahh, youth.

    Tuesday, August 17, 2004

    Hooray! More Vincent Gallo in the non-news. I LOVE that he has a movie coming out, if only for his constant forays into the media, spouting off his crazy (like a fox!) invectives at whoever will listen (like ME!). Here's the latest, from Richard "Dick" Johnson:

    "THE Village Voice accuses "Brown Bunny" director Vincent Gallo of pulling his three-page essay from the weekly at the last minute after editor-in-chief Don Forst refused to run Gallo's full-page photo self-portrait on the cover. The Voice says it was blindsided when Gallo yanked his essay in a huff because Forst wanted instead to emblazon the cover with a steamy still from "Brown Bunny," in which Chloe Sevigny performs oral sex on Gallo. "We all thought it was a terrific piece, and we're sorry we're not running it," Voice publicity director Jessica Bellucci tells us. "When he got wind that we wanted to use another image for the cover, he got all bent out of shape and pulled the whole thing." But Gallo says he turned down a cover offer from Time Out New York to work with the Voice on the condition that they would accept his essay and cover photograph as-is. The fulminating filmmaker claimed "egocentric and out-of-control" Forst sabotaged the project, which Gallo worked on for weeks, by insisting on a "provocative" cover photo. "I don't regret writing the essay or taking the pictures," Gallo said. "But for the Voice to call a gossip column and cry victim is outrageous. They owe me a long apology and flowers. The Voice [bleeped] me, plain and simple."

    I must agree. Mr. Don Forst, you DO owe Vincent Gallo a long apology AND flowers! Pronto!You should have assumed going into this that El Gallo would automatically get "bent out of shape" AND get in "a huff" AND want total control AND would provide the Voice with a full-page self-portrait for the front cover. BECAUSE IT'S VINCENT GALLO. Duh! And really, hasn't the blow-job picture been done to death? It's already been a billboard and been featured on really awesome blogs with the initials F.U. and stuff. Here's a dollar (not literally): Go out and BUY yourself an original idea! And thanks a lot for denying John Q. Public our rightful three-page Vincent Gallo essay. Harrumph!
    I have refrained up to this point from even MENTIONING the Nicky Hilton quickie Vegas nuptials due to to total lack of interest, but today's headline made me giggle:

    "Nicky Hilton Confirms "Meaningul, Real" Marriage

    A "glowing" Nicky Hilton has confirmed TV reports she wed her money manager Todd Andrew Meister on Sunday morning amidst a host of famous friends. The hotel heiress and socialite, 20 - sister of reality TV star Paris - married Meister, 33, at the Las Vegas Wedding Chapel in Nevada's Sin City at 2.30am after an 18-month courtship. Hilton's spokesman Elliot Mintz says, "They're happy and doing well. This is a real, meaningful, loving relationship. They are glowing." Nicky's sister Paris Hilton, best friend Bijou Phillips, actress Tara Reid, 'N Sync singer Lance Bass and That '70s Show star Danny Masterson were among the wedding party. Mintz says the newlyweds are back home in Los Angeles where they plan to honeymoon in a local hotel and are planning where to honeymoon."--IMDB

    First of all, if you have to announce that your relationship with your husband is "real, meaningful, loving" you are in BIG BIG TROUBLE! Although I have to say that nothing guarantees a longlasting bond in holiest matrimony than the presence of Paris Hilton, Tara Reid, Lance Bass, Bijou Phillips, and Danny Masterson.
    Noooooooooooooo! There's a picture in Star of Benji with an eye patch on! Benji had emergency retina surgery! I'm teary-eyed! Benji was my FAVORITE movie star growing up, until I hit puberty and Harrison Ford. O lord, let the current dog playing Benji make a full recovery!

    Should I change the name of this Blog to Exclamation Point? The answer: NO.
    Well, MAYBE. (!)

    Monday, August 16, 2004

    From the "Things I Covet" File, Bust magazine has an article about a new car designed entirely by women FOR women. To wit: Volvo's Your Concept Car has a chilled compartment for makeup; slots in the headrests for ponytails; a bar in front of the gas pedal to help high-heel wearers; AND some kind of crazy technology that helps the car steer itself into parking spots. Gullwing doors! Scandinavian interior! Interchangeable textiles! Handbags that match the seat fabric! Shag carpets! The ceiling lights up with glowing optic fibers for no reason! Me Wantie!

    Yeah, yeah, yeah. I KNOW. THIS POST IS LATE. SO SUE ME!! Sheesh.

    OK. A couple of interesting articles in the NY Times today. One is a review of Little Steven Van Zandt's Underground Garage Rock Festival that took place over the weekend in NY. God, I wanted to go to this thing! The writer hated the Woggles, the Fuzztones, the Mooney Suzuki, and the Chesterfield Kings; gave so-so positive reviews of the Creation, Iggy and the Stooges, Bo Diddley and the NY Dolls; and saved the glowing admiration for Nancy Sinatra's "weirdness" and The Strokes' "attitude." Puh-leese.

    Check it out:

  • HERE!

  • The other article is about David O. Russell, one of my favorite directors ("Spanking the Monkey," "Flirting With Disaster"), who is working feverishly on a new documentary about the war in Iraq to be released along with a re-issue of his wildly underrated Iraq caper movie "Three Kings." Read all about it:

  • HERE!

  • I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! I got my first issue of "Entertainment Weekly" today. Yahoo! AND it has Johnny Depp on the cover. AND it contains a preview of the big movies coming out this fall, including some of my most anticipated releases: Wes Anderson's "The Life Aquatic;" the afore-mentioned David O. Russell's "I Love Huckabees" (the picture shows Dustin Hoffman in a really funny Beatles haircut that he claims is his own hair--ha ha ha!); Trey Parker and Matt Stone's R-rated puppet movie "Team America: World Police;" TWO Gael Garcia Bernal movies "Motorcycle Diaries" about Che Guevera and "Bad Education" by Pedro Almodovar (Gael plays a transvestite (!) and apparently looks remarkably like Julia Roberts in his makeup!); the new John Sayles movie with Chris Cooper playing an incredibly-similar-to-Bush politician (!); the new movie by the guy who directed "Sexy Beast" (although it stars Nicole Kidman, so I'm a little nonplussed, but I will reserve judgment on that one); AND the new one from the guy who directed "Election" which stars Paul Giamatti from "American Splendor." I'm so excited! Fall cannot get here soon enough. "Alien VS. the Predator" was the number one grossing film this weekend!!! AAAAAHHH!

    Also in the music section, they compare R. Kelly to Bill Clinton. I wholeheartedly approve.

    Got the new Star today. At first I was in a tizzy because the cover boasts the headline "Demi's NEW Plastic Surgery Shocker!" but it turned out to be about HER KNEES!!! Who cares about Demi Moore's knee wrinkles? Not me! I was really hoping it had something to do with her almost dying while under the knife or something, but alas, it was not to be. Sigh.

    There was a good "Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous," though, which cheered me somewhat. Jessica "I Do Not Believe in Plastic Surgery" Lange is looking less like herself and more like Catwoman Jocelyn de Wildenstein (my all-time favorite plastic surgery addict). HA!

    Also a featurette on Lourdes Whatever Her Last Name is (Leon? Ciccone? Ritchie?) who Terri R. is convinced has had her eyebrows waxed at seven years old. And looking at the pictures, which were all about little Lourdes and her various and sundry fashion statements, I have to agree.

    BIG spread on Mary Kay Letourneau and her no-longer-12-year-old lovah Vili Fualaau called "Seven Years Later...She Wants to Marry. DOES HE?" The answer: NO. Lots of good photos, though.

    Ooooh! One last great thing: There is the world's most unflattering picture of Ashlee Simpson on page 42!! It almost looks like they pasted her head on Kelly Osbourne's body. HA HA HA!!! I Heart Star Magazine!

    Sunday, August 15, 2004

    There's an hysterical article in today's New York Times about Vincent Gallo and his new movie, "The Brown Bunny." My favorite quote from El Gallo is in the part where he discusses the physical toll of the making of the movie:

    "'I'm forgetting the fact that I'm a human being," he said, "that I need to eat, sleep, that I have a life and there are some people — not that they care about me — but there are some people who casually know me who pretend to be my friends that want to see me. I denied my body any respect, any attention at all cost, because of this intense desperation to be able to look back at something and feel like I did it in the best, most aggressive way possible, the best job I could have.'"

    Hee-hee. To see the rest of the article, go:

  • HERE!

  • Saturday, August 14, 2004

    Bleh! The new Us Weekly has a two-page spread called "Are Stars Happier As Moms?" with photos of people like Courteney Cox, Gwyneth "Flapjacks" Paltrow, Kate Hudson, etc. before and after they spawned. Of course Us managed to find "before" pics in which the stars look miserable; then beaming with motherly glow afterwards. The subheading is "Fame and fortune are nice, but it's parenthood that REALLY lights up the faces of these ecsatic new moms." As a single lady with what can best be described as EXTREME ambivalence about producing offspring, I find this whole "baby porn" thing to be distasteful and upsetting. The message seems to be: Sure these women have wonderful, exciting lives with amazing careers, riches beyond most people's wildest dreams, etc. but until they have the baaaaaaaby, well, their existence was meaningless and devoid of joy. Bleh, bleh, and double bleh!!
    The Mary Jane Girls sent a flower arrangement shaped like a joint to Rick James' funeral! How awesome is that? To see a picture of this poignant tribute, go:

  • HERE!

  • Friday, August 13, 2004


    Some lucky bastards got to see a preview of Vincent Gallo's newest masterpiece "The Brown Bunny," and the good people of Gawker.com/Defamer.com posted their movie spy's review of the famous blowjob scene, under the headline "Vincent Gallo: We've Always Called Him Thick":

    "Pretentious, self indulgent, ridiculously boring... At the same time beautiful, sad, haunting, verrry special. Vincent's cock is fabulous; thick, meaty, nice upward curve. Definitely bossy during the act. Chloe (after smoking crack in the bathroom wearing a terrible outfit made by Vincent) makes weird cooing noises while he pushes her face up down on it. After he comes in her mouth, he says 'you fucking whore, you fucking asshole, I hate you so much.' If that's not good cinema, I don't know what is."

    Now that's what blogging is all about. All the news you can use and then some. Kudos, Gawker.com and Defamer.com, kudos! Keep up the good work! My only question: Is it the MOVIE that is pretentious, self indulgent, ridiculously boring...at the same time beautiful, sad, haunting, verrry special, or is it Gallo's peenie? It's kind of unclear. Either way, it works for me. Well done, sirs!
    Richard "Dick" Johnson's column had a couple of interesting items. First up, MORE Andy Dick-on-a-rampage news:

    "MOVE over, Courtney Love. Step aside, Tara Reid. Andy Dick may have captured the crown of celebrity dom's reigning party monster. Howard Stern shared a juicy anecdote about Dick while reading our story yesterday about Dick's vodka- fueled rampage at nightspots Suede and Plan B, where the kooky comic tried to stick his tongue down the throats of several men and women, slapped others and burst into tears over the death of his "best friend" Rick James. Stern reported that Dick, a frequent guest, once got decked by Wesley Snipes after the bisexual funny man propositioned Snipes. And we've learned that the same fate befell Dick after he did a stand-up comedy show at Washington University in St. Louis several months ago. After being ejected from an alumni dinner for smoking pot in the basement, Dick crashed a Sigma Epsilon frat party and was punched out after he grabbed a frat brother's crotch, reports The Post's Susannah Cahalan. Dick was kicked out and caught a ride home from a kindly couple, whom he invited to his hotel for a threesome. They declined."

    Hee-hee. God Bless Andy Dick. I LOVE that crazy nutball! Really, though, I can't believe that with all the homo-eroticism going on at frat houses across the nation that they would be so uptight about wee Andy Dick grabbing a brother's crotch--don't they do that to each other on a daily basis? Maybe it's only OK when it's one of their own doing the crotch-grabbing. That must be it.

    And in the second installment of Wesley Snipes Is A Jerk:

    "PORN queen Jenna Jameson tattles on all the horny celebrities she claims have hit on her in her new book — including Cindy Crawford.

    In 'How to Make Love Like a Porn Star' (ReganBooks), Jameson recounts her encounter with the supermodel, whom she met while Jameson was doing a guest-hosting stint on the E! channel. "I kept getting a weird vibe from her," writes Jameson, an avowed bisexual who's had sex with hundreds of women. "I knew what it meant, because I'd experienced it so many times before, but I kept dismissing it. It couldn't be true: she was Cindy Crawford, after all."

    The X-rated icon continues: "When I turned my back . . . Cindy reached over and rubbed the back of my neck. 'Ooh,' she cooed. 'Look at your beautiful tattoo!'

    "She touched my neck so softly and sensually . . . It was too much. She was so larger than life that I couldn't even imagine running my tongue along that trademark mole of hers. So I excused myself to get a drink." (Crawford, who once bought a full-page newspaper ad with then-hubby Richard Gere declaring their heterosexuality, has always maintained that she only likes men.)

    On another occasion, Jameson had a run-in with "Blade" star Wesley Snipes, whose suave pickup line was, "Do you like it up the [bleep]?"

    "Being a porn star, I was used to such questions," Jameson writes. "But Wesley had no idea I was a porn star. Either way, I was offended. I looked at him blankly, stood up, and walked away. That was the first and last time I ever saw him."

    Bruce Willis fared only slightly better. At a party once, "He didn't say a word," Jameson recalls, "He [just] pushed me up against the wall and kissed me. After 30 seconds of passionate tongueing, he just walked away without a word."

    As Jameson was leaving the bash, she writes, "A bodyguard walked up to me and said, 'Mr. Willis is waiting in his limousine.' 'He's going to be waiting a long time,' I responded. There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, and he had crossed it."

    Elsewhere in the book, co-written by former Times music critic Neil Strauss, Jameson recounts her sex sessions with the 'massively endowed' Marilyn Manson and her encounters with Nicolas Cage who smelled like 'the distilled sweat of homeless people.' "

    EEWWWWWW! I have some advice for Ms. Jameson: Don't socialize with celebrities, they are scumbags! Stay with your fellow porn stars, they are a much nicer class of people. I bet none of THEM smell like "distilled sweat of homeless people." And if someone wants you to take it up the "[bleep]," at least you will GET PAID FOR IT!!!

    From the "Remind Me Never To Apply for THAT Job" File: Naomi Campbell--supermodel, giantess, habitual maid-beater--is in trouble again. No, not for being preternaturally annoying, but for--what else?--beating up another lowly underling:

    "Supermodel Naomi Campbell is being sued for assault by her former assistant - only days after she was accused of brutally slapping her maid. Simone Craig claims she was held hostage by the English beauty in a Los Angeles hotel in 2001 and is due to file assault charges against Campbell in a New York court next month. According to her lawyer, the ex-assistant is seeking millions of dollars after suffering "psychological and emotional damage". These new allegations come shortly after Campbell was investigated by New York police for allegedly beating her maid Millicent Burton last Saturday. The 34-year-old model denies the allegations against her. Four years ago, the beauty was sentenced to attend anger-management classes after striking her personal assistant Georgina Galanis with a mobile phone in 1998." (IMDB)

    Can you IMAGINE being Naomi Campbell's assistant? CAN YOU? The constant "mobile" calls at 4am, demanding to know what happened to her cocaine/manwhore/fur coat/sanity? The screaming? The craaaaaaazzziness? The beatings? The accent?

    Oh, Naomi. I KNOW how difficult it is to be a gorgeous, universally-loathed woman with a perfect body and a fat bank account, but you just have to buck up. You have to try and NOT lash out at "the little people" who surround you, grasping, always grasping for more. It is simply not lady-like. Try to rise above.

    Terri R. sent me one of those Zen-type questions that aims to open up your mind to new ways of thinking and looking at the world and oneself: If Catherine Zeta-Jones were to get into a catfight with Naomi Campbell, who would win? Well, I told Terri R. that if I were a betting woman (and I am), I would lay my money on...CZJ. Because even though Naomi has probably a foot or so on CZJ, is a ton more muscle-y, and is crrrraaaaaaazzzzzy, my faith in CZJ's innate desire to win at all costs, her meanness, and her ability to claw her way over the scrapheap of humanity to get where she wants to be, well, it has no bounds. My money is on Lady Zeta-Jones, all the way.

    Thursday, August 12, 2004

    CELEBRITY RUN AMOK ALERT!!!Hooray! Apparently Andy Dick went berserk in NYC, and Richard "Dick" Johnson has all the gory details:

    "TV comic Andy Dick went on a randy rampage at Suede early yesterday that ended after he burst into tears over the death of his friend Rick James and was thrown out of the Chelsea club by "Little Shop of Horrors" star Joey Fatone.

    Dick, the star of MTV's "The Assistant," was desperately in need of a minion to get him under control as he tried to kiss any man or woman he bumped into, including "Austin Powers" actor Seth Green, rolled around on the men's room floor, and asked clubgoers if they had cocaine.

    The vodka and cranberry-swilling comic then barricaded himself in Suede's dishwashing room and began sobbing uncontrollably about James, who died last week, reports an eyewitness who witnessed the meltdown. 'My best friend is dead!' Dick wailed. 'He's gone! He's dead! You don't understand! All my best friends die!'

    Dick then handed a dishwasher a stack of $100 bills so he could "live in the room." When Fatone — whom Dick taunted as "Fat One" — and Suede owner Eytan Sugarman tried to coax him to leave, Dick said, 'You don't want to push me around, because I'm perfectly capable of doing this' — and punched an unidentified friend standing next to him in the face.

    Finally, Fatone, the former *NSYNC member who co-hosts a Tuesday night party at Suede with promoter Brandon Marcel, dragged the blubbering Dick outside with the help of Sugarman and loaded him into a cab in front of a crowd that included Green, Mets outfielder Cliff Floyd and MTV veejay Vanessa Minnillo. Green was overheard sputtering, 'That guy tried to kiss me,' as Dick was hauled past him.

    But Dick's rowdy romp wasn't over yet. The former "News Radio" star, who has battled drug and alcohol abuse in the past, headed downtown to Plan B on Avenue B and promptly commenced smooching and slapping the people inside.

    'He was obviously obliterated,' Plan B co-owner Josh Boyd told us. 'He jumped on the back of Jason Battle, my co-owner, and kept trying to kiss him. Then he started getting violent and bitch-slapping people.

    'We finally quarantined him and put him in a separate room. But then he slipped outside and skipped out on his $300 bar tab. The last anyone saw of him, he was rolling around the street on Avenue B.'"

    AWEsome, totally AWEsome! OK, a few comments. First of all, note that Andy Dick says that Rick James was his "best friend." Could this possibly be true? Sure, they had the cocaine in common, and the funk factor, but...oh who cares? It's so AWEsome! I also love that he kept calling Joey Fatone "Fat One," tried to bribe a dishwasher so he could live "in the room," and was running around kissing and/or bitch-slapping everyone in sight. AND that he has the great and terible ignominy of being thown out of a club by a former NSyncer! By the way, I usually love Seth Green, but what the hell is HIS problem? Is he afraid his manliness will be called into question just because Andy Dick tried to kiss him? What man has NOT been kissed by Andy Dick? It's a badge of honor, in my book. I mean, Green played James St. James in "Party Monster," he should be a little more tolerant. Oh, well. I'm too giddy to care. Hee hee! Ha ha! I heart Andy Dick! Now, THAT'S what I call a celebrity rampage! Yahoo!!

    Wednesday, August 11, 2004

    After getting all worked up about the Kabbalah-maniacs yesterday, I was glad to see that I'm not alone. Today's Village Voice has a featured article on the Kabbalah Centre in NYC; there's a great line about concern that Kabbalah followers are being turned into "Stepford Jews." Hee hee. To read the article, go:

  • HERE!
  • Well, it is certainly a busy day for the anorexia-sellers. First, a story on the IMDB about a website (it started off as a blog, bless their little hearts!) that sells "Save Mary-Kate" t-shirts. I took a peek at the site, and let me tell you that the shirts are U-G-L-Y, they ain't got no alibi, they're UGLY! Uh-Uh-Ugly! Somebody did a terrible drawing of Mary-Kate Olsen, Photoshopped a "hip" font on top, and voila! Instant nanosecond blip on the pop culture radar screen. The funniest part is that the t-shirt makers are trying to give away a percentage of the sales to the National Eating Disorders Association, who said, "Uh, thanks, but no thanks, jerks." So now they are actively seeking someone else to take their money. I bet they are not seeking TOO strenuously, though. To see the hideous t-shirt (and the comments people have posted about it) go:

  • HERE!

  • Then there was an article on an Australian site called The Age today, about the proliferation of pro-anorexia websites and the merchandise they are flogging to young girls the world over:

    "The phenomenon of weborexics first became apparent about three years ago with the emergence of so-called pro-ano, or pro-anorexia, websites. But they've taken a sinister turn, with several sites cashing in by selling pro-ano merchandise, including teddy bears, "ana" bracelets and tank tops with slogans such as "nothing eaten, nothing gained"....

    Many of the homepages and forums have been disabled but a plethora of sites can still be easily found. Anorexics can now go online and for between $US3 and $US25 buy a red-beaded "ana" bracelet - a symbol of solidarity that identifies them to the rest of the community. The bracelets are designed to help anorexics resist their hunger by being worn on the hand used to eat with.

    Red bracelets signify anorexia and blue "mia" bracelets represent bulimia. Green symbolises recovery."

    Whoa! "Mia" bracelets? Weborexics? I am SO out of the anorexia loop! I HAVE noticed that "ana bracelet" is the number one most popular web engine referrer for Felt Up: The Blog, as I've mentioned before, but I had no idea this was such a phenomonen. "Nothing eaten, nothing gained?" Do parents let their kids buy this crap and wear it to school? WHAT IS GOING ON? This really makes me ill.

    I think I am going to market a line of pro-fat-girl bracelets, perhaps a cuff, made of some kind of wrinkled or ruched material to simulate cellulite, maybe in white (to represent fat), and I will call them "Kirsties." You can wear your Kirstie on the hand you eat with, to remind you to eat everything on your plate, ask for seconds, and demand to see the dessert tray. As long as someone hasn't already beaten me to the punch.

    Tuesday, August 10, 2004

    The new issue of Vanity Fair has an excellent, thoughtful, and well-argued assesment of the Kerry and Bush Vietnam war records by journalist/author David Halberstam, who wrote the seminal Vietnam book "Best and the Brightest," and won a Pulitzer Prize for his reporting on Vietnam for the New York Times. Check it out, and read all about the atrocious behavior of various and sundry evil right-wing groups who've not only attacked the records of Kerrry, but of Republican John McCain, not to mention triple amputee Max Cleland, former Democratic senator from Georgia. And, of course, the attacks tend to come from hawks who never served at all. Some interesting facts: Although I'd already known about uber-hawk Dick Cheney's five deferments, I didn't know until I read this that John Ashcroft had seven--count 'em--SEVEN deferments during the Vietnam War.

    On a less serious note, this issue also contains a Gloria Vanderbilt article which might as well have been titled "Famous Men I Did It With." In an excerpt from her new book "It Seemed Important at the Time," she recounts flying from NY to LA to meet Marlon Brando immediately after seeing "On the Waterfront," as any sane, incredibly wealthy lady would do. She finagled a meeting and they had one "date," which was basically Gloria at Marlon's house with a few other guests; she waited until everyone left, then ended up in the bedroom. She writes that "The only thing I remember is his saying to me over dessert...'You have Japanese skin.' Yes, yes Japanese, I wanted to scream--Japanese and it's all for you." Hee hee! The next day Marlon never called back, but she eased her broken heart by making out with Gene Kelly! I know Gloria had her ups and downs, but she seems like ONE LUCKY LADY TO ME!!
    Richard "Dick" Johnson ran a "blind item" today (which means you have to guess who he is talking about) that tickled my fancy:

    "WHICH big screen diva who has been embroiled in an ugly court battle was so upset when she didn't get her requested shrimp salad on a United flight that she actually uttered, "Don't you know you who I am?"

    Now, there aren't THAT many big screen divas embroiled in an ugly court battle right now...in fact, the only one that springs to my mind is Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is involved in a pretty awful stalking case--a nutjob named Dawnette Renee Knight was threatening CZJ in a series of nasty letters and phone calls; one letter, sent to the Star (ooh, they are so proud!) read that "The bitch will be shredded to pieces like Sharon Tate." Now, I call Ms. Knight a "nutjob" because she clearly chose the wrong diva to mess with. LISTEN CAREFULLY, DAWNETTE RENEE KNIGHT: CATHERINE ZETA-JONES WILL EAT YOU UP FOR BREAKFAST AND SPIT YOU OUT BEFORE TEA-TIME! She is not to be trifled with! She is bigger than you in so many, many ways! You are a peon, a nobody, a NOT FAMOUS PERSON and she is....well, she is someone who clawed her way to the top of the heap and she will do anything, ANYTHING to stay there. And, by the way, Dawnette, why on earth would ANYONE become obsessed with Michael "Baggy Ass" Douglas? Why? It's insane any way you look at it.

    Now, back to the blind item. Can't you just hear Lady Zeta-Jones saying "Don't you know who I am?" after ordering, and failing to receive, a shrimp salad? It makes perfect sense to me. Sure, the fun part is all in the guessing game. But I know I'm right.

    In other, sillier non-news, the IMDB reported today that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were seen frolicking on mattresses in an L.A. store, much to the horror of innocent bystanders:

    "Movie beauty Demi Moore and her toyboy lover Ashton Kutcher were forced to leave a furniture store after they started frolicking on a show bed. The Hollywood couple, who are reportedly set to wed this year, rolled around on the bed in a Los Angeles store after deciding to 'test the mattress'. An onlooker says, "They asked if it was cool to try the beds by lying on them. Then they started bouncing around. They even had a quick smooch." The pair, said to be planning a Kabbalah wedding in Israel, were given disapproving stares from onlookers - and only stopped when a disgusted shopper barked, "Get a room."

    EEEW! I don't exactly know why, but this grosses me out. Not the canoodling on a mattress in public--who am I to cast the first stone? Don't I, too, live in a glass house? (I WISH! I want one of those Phillip Johnson glass houses, right now!) No, what makes my skin crawl is the part about the "Kabbalah wedding in Israel." Are either of them even Jewish? I know I keep harping on this, but I find it really ridiculous that these celebs have jumped on the Madonna/Esther Kabbalah bandwagon, and none of them have converted to Judaism. What if it were not a Jewish mysticism cult, what if it had been a Catholic one? How creepy would that be? All these stars getting deep into The Catholah, wearing miniature incense burners around their wrists, getting married in the Vatican, starting Catholah Centers for children. AND none of them had converted to Catholicism, they just skipped over all the studying, prayer, research, THOUGHTFULNESS that goes into that type of thing (too much trouble!). Just bypassing altogether any consideration of the Church's backwards stances on homosexuality, reproduction rights, feminism, etc etc? Yucky, huh? But when it's a Jewish thing, well, sure, why not? Who cares? It's all weird and mystical anyway, right? Who KNOWS what's going on inside one of those wacky temples? Don't all Jews wear red string bracelets to ward off the Evil Eye? Isn't that what Judaism is all about?

    Bleh. I could go on and on. The whole Kabbalah thing just rubs me the wrong way. Probably because it involves Demi Moore.

    Monday, August 09, 2004

    Sheesh. I don't post anything over the weekend and I get email today accusing me of being a "lazy blogger." I am not a machine! Bloggers have lives, too! (Well, sort of.) And I really tried, dammit, to find something, ANYTHING, in the realm of news and non-news alike, but to no avail. I have to FEEL the story in order to make bitchy comments on it; and nothing that came out this weekend piqued my interest. Today, too, was shaping up to be a real loser (I toyed with the idea of going with the Scarlett "Harlot" Johannsen trying to snare Jake Gyllenhaal non-story from the IMDB, but my heart just wasn't in it). Then, lo and behold, my new STAR magazine arrived! All is not lost.

    First up, Star has a two-page photo spread on "Liz Hurley's Little Lord Damian," which is all about Liz Hurley's son being dressed up like a wee Prince Charles in fancy clothes all the time. Star asks the question on a nation's lips: "Does cutie-pie Damian ever get a casual dressed-down day?" The answer: NO. The best caption is underneath the main picture of La Liz holding her child: "At a friend's wedding in Salzburg, Austria this spring, Hurley dressed 2-year-old Damian like a royal page boy--right down to his velvet jacket and little white tights!" The only thing I can say (besides kudos, Star, for CREATING a story where no story existed before!) is that I am not in the least surprised. Did anyone think Liz "I Would Kill Myself If I Was As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurly would be a laid-back, easy-going soccer mom? She is a she-devil! A succubus! She named her child Damian! (Mispelled, yes, but still very telling.) She is grooming him to take over the world as the spawn of SATAN!!!I mean, it's so obvious. (Want more proof? Another caption reads: "Little Mr. Clean: How does he do it? Most kids would destroy a pastel outfit in a matter of minutes, but somehow Damian stays spotless." Somehow? THE POWERS OF EVIL, that's how!)

    From the "Oh, To Be A Fly on THAT Wall" File: At a "toast" to Victoria Gotti and her new reality show "Growing Up Gotti," LIZA MINELLI (Yay!) was on hand to pay her own special brand of craaaaaazy tribute. The photo of Liza and Victoria may have to go on the fridge, right next to the photo I cut out of Liza hugging Donatella Versace (who looks remarkably like Victoria Gotti, now that I think about it.) By the way, does anyone else think that Gotti's sons are freakish? They have total Troll doll hair and always pose with their arms folded and are too tan and never, ever smile. Also, their last name is not Gotti, even though the Star devoted a two-page centerfold on the grotesque lads called "Gotta Get A Gotti!" (Shudder.) Victoria Gotti is John Gotti's DAUGHTER and I'm assuming somebody actually married her at one point, and then she had these freaky boys. So their last name is something else (I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess it's Italian), NOT GOTTI. SHE grew up Gotti, not her bizarre-looking offspring! Sorry, I'm a stickler about these things...

    In the awesome weekly segment called "Knifestlyles of the Rich & Famous," Star has "before and after" photos of Billy Bob Thorton. In the "after" pic, Billy Bob has totally new, fake, fluffy, dark hair; dyed eyebrows; a facelift; possible Botox; and LIPSTICK!!! EEEEEEK! Run for your lives!!!The hideous visage of Billy Bob is coming to get you!!EEEEEEEEEEEEK!

    OK, one last tidbit from the Star: "Britney's Men May Come and Go...But She Will Never Leave Her Daisy Dukes!" What can I say about Britney's torn, tattered short-shorts that hasn't already been said by the greatest minds of our generation? Nothing, that's what.

    Friday, August 06, 2004

    Mary Kay Letourneau is free to reunite with her fomer student/baby daddy! According to CNN.com:

    "A judge in Seattle on Friday lifted an order that barred contact between former school teacher and convicted rapist Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau, the now 21-year-old man whom she was convicted of assaulting when he was her student at the age of 13.

    Letourneau was released from prison Wednesday and, within hours, Fualaau petitioned the court to lift the no-contact order, saying he still loves her.

    The order was part of her sentence in 1997. The prosecutor's office said the court took into consideration that the victim is now a legal adult, and determined there was no legal basis to prevent contact between the two of them."

    Aww, that's so sweet! I'm getting teary-eyed at the thought of their joyful, and now legal, reununion. All it took was the removal of a court order. And people think romance is dead! All together now, "If lovin' you is wrong, I don't want to be right...."

    I just read man-about-town Seth O.'s "Carefully Selected Garbage" (go to link in Blogs A Go-Go), where I saw that he got to hang out with Barack Obama last night!!! My girlfriends and I have been twittering like Duran Durannies circa 1984 about this incredible young state senator from Illinois who is running for US Senator. (I love how he is skipping the congressional seat altogether.) He WAS running against Republican Jack Ryan, but Ryan was a perv (his divorce papers revealed that his "Star Trek"-starring actress ex-wife accused him of forcing her to go to sex clubs!!AND I'm pretty sure that she's on one of those spin-off-of-a-spin-off "Star Trek" shows, which just adds another level of tawdriness to the whole affair, in my opinion). The GOP bigwigs tried to get Mike Ditka (!)to replace Ryan, to no avail; they've finally dragged poor old Alan Keyes in as the opponent, which at least means the Senate will definitely have a new black guy--only the third, I believe, since RECONSTRUCTION. That's the reconstruction that followed the Civil War, people! In the 19TH CENTURY!

    Obama gave the keynote address (totally and completely AWEsome) to the Democratic National Convention, where he wowed all good, decent people with his speech. And Seth got to see him in the flesh! OMG. I'm SO jealous! Barack Rocks! OOOOOOBBBBBBAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAAAA!
    I'm sure by now everyone knows that Rick James has gone to the Great Crack Pipe in the Sky. "You and I," as well as our friend "Mary Jane," will dearly miss the "Super Freak."

    I will not miss, however, hearing frat guys saying "I'm Rick James, Bitch!" over and over and over again. It was funny when Rick James did it. It was funny when Dave Chappelle did it. It's not funny when white people do it, ad nauseum. (I should know. I was one of them for a while. But no more.)

    RIP, sweet prince.
    A trifecta! I opened my mailbox today and found People, Us Weekly, and my very first (subscription) issue of Star!!! Yippee! I can't believe there is a downside to this glorious event, but there is, sadly: The cover of People is the Lori Hacking murder case (yawn---husband did it); the cover of Us is the Bachelorette (yawn---reality show non-celeb); and the Star I read last night in line at the grocery store. Still pretty exciting, though. Fear not, loyal Felt Up: The Blog readers! I will read these trashy magazines so you don't have to! That's just the kind of bloggette I am. More later. Much later. I have to go to work. (I have to read the magazines SOMEWHERE.)
    According to Salon.com, The Dirty "Brown Bunny" Billboard has been taken down. Sigh. Oh, dirty "Brown Bunny," we hardly knew ye...
    Here's what I got in the way of non-news: Richard "Dick" Johnson reported today in his Page Six column that there is a new tell-all book coming out about Hugh Hefner:

    "Jill Ann Spaulding, a professional poker player, has self-published 'Jill Ann: Upstairs,' which details her 'realization that the Playboy Mansion isn't Barbie's Dreamhouse, but a brokerage house where dangerous sex is traded for stardom.'

    The cosmetically enhanced blonde claims:

    * Hefner has 12 'slave bunnies' whose duties include servicing the Playboy founder on Wednesday and Friday 'Sex Nights.'

    * In an interview with Steppin' Out magazine's Chaunce Hayden, Spaulding says: 'On Sex Night . . . You have to take a bath . . . There are also two large big screen TVs in his bedroom that play porn . . . All the girls have to be cheering during the sex and the ones who aren't having sex with Hef have to pretend they are having lesbian sex with each other.'

    * 'There's no protection and none of the girls are tested [for HIV]. [Hefner] doesn't care. The girls care, but they get $2,000 a week.' As for her celebrity run-ins, Spaulding told PAGE SIX:

    * "I met Craig Kilborn at the mansion at a party. I asked for a photo with him . . . As my friend is taking the photo he reaches under my outfit and gooses me! I wasn't very happy . . . Then my friend took a photo with him and he did the same thing to her! It was pretty rude. We left quickly and he kept screaming, 'Why are you running off?' "

    OK, I have a few questions for Ms. Spaulding, professional poker player and self-published author of "Jill Ann: Upstairs": 1.) What is "Steppin' Out" magazine? Does it have something to do with Joe Jackson? 2.)Who ever told you the Playboy Mansion was Barbie's Dreamhouse? 3.) Why would you go within 100 feet of Craig Kilborn?

    Heff is denying the whole thing and writing off Ms. Spaulding as a wannabe who was turned down for a permanent residence at the brokerage house where dangerous sex is traded for stardom. He also says he hasn't read the book "but some of my girlfriends have." Hee heee! Who knows? I know that this is EXACTY what I figured was going on chez Hefner once Viagra was available...

    In other non-news, this little tidbit, also from Dick Johnson:

    "Aretha Franklin demanded and received a suitcase stuffed with $250,000 in cash for her last performance at the Field Museum in Chicago."

    Well, DUH. Who is surprised by this? Black entertainers know better than to trust concert promoters from long, cruel experience. ESPECIALLY those con-artists who run the Field Museum. And besides, she's THE QUEEN OF SOUL!!! Give her whatever she wants and don't go blabbing to Page Six. Although I'm glad somebody did, obviously. I heart divas!

    Thursday, August 05, 2004

    Sorry I'm such a link-a-holic today, but this is too good not to pass along. World of Wonder has what it claims is a transcript of a telephone conversation between Michael "Party Monster" Alig and his old pal James St. James. Alig is currently in prison for murdering a fellow NYC party scenester named "Angel" (see earlier post with my review of "Party Monster: The Shockumentary" for more details). I don't know or care if this transcript is real or not; it's hysterically funny and totally interesting. If it IS fake, the author(s) did an excellent job of recreating the nuances and cadence of Alig/ St. James' speech patterns. On the one hand it seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to for a joke; on the other hand, Alig compares the prison weight-room to The Roxy and The Palladium, where he says there are "like, all these topless, shirtless, muscled, tattooed, Puerto Ricans…All sweaty and glistening…And then they’re listening to Sylvester!" Who knows?

    See for yourself:

  • HERE!
  • Also of note on CNN.com today was the brief obituary for Lacy Van Zant, "The Father of Southernn Rock." He was the 89 year-old father of Lynyrd Skynyrd's Van Zant brothers. To see a photo of him with long white beard and wearing what looks to be a Confederate uniform, go:

  • HERE!

  • Our long national nightmare is finally over: Tigger was acquitted! I woke up to find an email from Terri R. in my virtual mailbox with a link to the story at CNN.com. David Chartrand, AKA Tigger, was found not guilty of fondling the breasts of a thirteen-year-old girl while their picture was being taken at DisneyWorld. The jury deliberated for less than an hour:

    "Outside court, Chartrand, a native of England who lost his fiance and had been suspended without pay after his arrest, said he'd like his job back, but that the experience 'has ruined my dream to be a character.'"

    My heart goes out to the guy. Here he is, a pale Brit in a foreign land, with one dream, a dream shared by so many young men: To Be A Character At DisneyWorld. He achieves his dream, gets to put on the hallowed furry costume each day, only to see it shatter beneath his large, clumsy paws. He loses his fiance, his freedom, and now, his dream is over.

    OK. At this point in the report I have to (further) supress the PLAGUE of giggles that has befallen me since I first heard about this trial:

    "During closing arguments earlier Wednesday, a defense attorney donned a Tigger costume in the courtroom in an effort to show jurors how difficult it is to maneuver and see in the outfit.

    Defense attorney Jeffrey Kaufman -- who also moonlights as Tigger and Goofy at Walt Disney World -- first strapped on Tigger's tail and then put on a neck cloth, the enormous orange-and-black striped head, and two large orange mitts to show jurors how the costume limits peripheral vision and arm movements."

    Yes, that's right: TIGGER'S ATTORNEY IS ALSO A TIGGER! AND A GOOFY! Only in Florida. It's like something out of a Carl Hiassen novel. If you'd like to see a photo of Tigger's lawyer Tigger showing off his Tigger paws to the court, go to the bottom of the page:

  • HERE!
  • Wednesday, August 04, 2004

    Here's some good news: "Outfoxed," the VERY independently-made documentary by Robert Greenwald, is available NOW on Netflix, and is the second-highest selling DVD on Amazon.com, according to the Associated Press. AND it will soon be playing in a limited number of theaters (including our own beloved Alamo Drafthouse). Newsday.com reports that:

    "The documentary, which portrays Fox News Channel as far from its motto of 'fair and balanced,' opens Friday in one art-house theater in each of four cities: New York, Los Angeles, Washington and San Francisco. Then it will expand to other cities in upcoming weeks, distributor Cinema Libre Studios said Tuesday.
    The film -- the full title of which is "Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism" -- is composed of clips compiled during weeks of round-the-clock taping of the network. Director Robert Greenwald is trying to demonstrate what he believes is a pattern of right-wing bias and support for the Republican agenda.
    Until now, the liberal political groups MoveOn.Org and the Center for American Progress have organized thousands of "house parties" for people to watch the film together."

    I ALMOST went to see this at Beerland, but when I heard we would have to sit on the floor, I changed my mind. There are some things my ass was never meant to see, and the floor of Beerland is one of them. But I felt pretty guilty about it; now I can go see it in the comfort of my own home! Yippee! Yay Netflix!