Thursday, July 22, 2004

Your humble Felt Up Blogette just came home from walking the Corgi, who started a mini-riot at the dog park. He was just sniffing around the perimeter of the dog park, because sweet Jesus, he's not able to actually enter the damn thing--he'd probably choke to death on his own outraged Corgi bile--but it was enough to set off the sensitive Corgi-hating nose of a wee Scottie. Now, Welsh/Scottish animosity goes back eons, to the time of the druids (or at least to the time of Bohemian Grove druid-like activities--see earlier post) and it runs deep in the very core of their beings; so when I realized there was a Scottie about, I tried to avert an international incident by doing the only thing I could do, which was try to drag him, kicking and bucking, away from the scene. But soon other dogs came out of nowhere, hearing the Scottie's ancient, angry call, and suddenly it was like that scene at the end of "The Wanderers" when the Ducky Boys show up and scare the living daylights out of the Italian, Black, and Asian gangs at the football game. There were white dogs, black dogs; mixed dogs; and holy mother of god, a damned DAUCHSUND, another mortal enemy of the Corgi! Needless to say, it was a great relief when the Corgi decided to simply pee on the fence and move along. He had other important things to attend to--such as doing his number two-type business--right on top of some nice person's rosemary bush, which left the dog smelling not unlike some tragically over-herbed Olive Garden entree.

When I returned home I wanted and needed to get the smellin' salts, but instead went straight to the old computer, where I saw that has brought up something that has been bothering me lately....but I didn't know quite why. Since Felt Up is based in Texas, your humble Blogette sees a Dairy Queen about every mile or so. And lately each and every Dairy Queen has been advertising a new frozen drink called a "MooLatte." Call me stupid, but I just could't place what was so troubling about that name. MooLatte, MooLatte, hmmm....To my great shame it took to tell me why: In an article called "The Tragic MooLatte," Timothy Noah points out the uncanny similarity between the words "MooLatte" and "mulatto," and gee, the light bulb, dim as it may be, finally went off above my head. Ironically enough, I believe the MooLatte is some unholy combination of vanilla, chocolate, and coffee (or more likely, "coffee-like flavoring"). At the end of his aritcle, Noah asks, sensibly enough:

"Doesn't Dairy Queen have any black employees? Or at least somebody who's seen 'Show Boat'? Why didn't anyone point out the MooLatte-mulatto problem? It seems inconceivable that the resemblance would be deliberate, given corporate skittishness about generating controversy in the marketplace."

As someone who has spent quality time in DQ Country, let me answer the first part of that question: No. There are no black employees at Dairy Queen. At least I've never, ever seen one. Hispanic? Yes. White as white can be? You betcha. But Black? No sir, I don't believe so. As to the "Show Boat" issue, that I cannot answer, as I lack access to the upper-levels of the DQ power structure. The last part? To that I can only say to Mr. Noah that I have no answer, except: Forget it, Jake, it's Dairy Queen.

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