Saturday, July 24, 2004

Just got my mitts on the new Us Weekly, which was kind of a snooze, sadly. The cover screams "JUSTIN DIDN'T CHEAT ON ME" over a very large picture of Cameron "Boring" Diaz. I don't know why, but she is extremely uninteresting to me; she's too nice or pretty or something. Her tragic, TRAGIC skin breakouts sometimes intrigue, especially when she has a diva hissy fit over photographers taking pictures of her zits, but that's about as far as it goes for your humble Felt Up Blogette. The accompanying article shrieks "We Are Solid!" and sounds a little "she doth protest too much" to seem based in any kind of non-celeb reality. One interesting thing is that the "other woman" is a Lara Croft impersonator, which is weird, because I just read an article about ANOTHER Lara Croft impersonator in Marie Claire magazine. Which begs the question: Just HOW MANY Lara Croft/Angelina Jolie impersonators are out there, making a living at this? Another funny bit is that the English press refer to Justin Timberlake as "Trousersnake" (they love their nicknames, those pale Brits, they really do); there's a teeny picture of a page from a British tabloid that is headlined "Trousersnake did dirty on Diaz with me (twice!)," which makes me once again long for my homeland and its insanely out-of-control celeb-obsessed "press." Sigh.

What else graces the pages of the new Us, you ask? The usual suspects, of course. Mary-Kate Olsen leaving her "anorexia rehab," if you choose to believe that THAT was she was being treated for, and not the cocaina; the Kirsten Dunst/Jake Gyllenhaal breakup; Nick and Jessica Simpson returning to their Austin (shout out A-Town!) wedding chapel to "renew their vows" (AFTER TWO YEARS???) with "no guests except for a "Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica" camera crew--not even family--and only one church employee"--gee, how touching, only a camera crew to witness this sacred moment, I'm getting teary-eyed!: Britney Spears "plays stepmother" to her trashy fiance's first child--how sweet!; and Britney and her trashy fiance canoodling all over an LA hotel--by the pool (bikini, OF COURSE), on the balcony, etc., it's kind of gross.

There is also a totally Us Weekly featurette showing various celebs who tend to have the exact same facial expressions in multiple photos (there's a wee Queen Elizabeth I with "Am I Nic's inspiration?" coming out of her mouth by the wax-figure hideous visage of Nicole Kidman ; a tiny picture of Jack Nicholson as the Joker saying "Ha, ha, ha. Jennifer, what's so funny?" by Jennifer Garner and her craaazy smile, and a teeny Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander pouting "My lips are totally fuller than Angelina's!"). Us enlists the totally ridiculous advice of a "face reading expert" who says things like Renee Zellweger's "eyes are not smiling. It's a look of resignation and disgust." Well, duh. I'm resigned and disgusted every time I ponder Renee Zellweger's career, too. How she can SEE out of those squinty little slits is a total mystery to me. About Angelina Jolie's "Perma-Pout," the face-reader solemnly lays down this verdict: "This is a studied, intentional, sexy pout....it's saying, I'm going to capture you." EEK! She's the Black Widow! She mates and she kills! EEEEEEEK! But seriously. Do we really need the author of "The Power of Face Reading" to tell us that Angelina Jolie is trying to pout in a sexy manner? WE HAVE EYES, Rose Rosetree (if that is your real name) WE HAVE EYES. Well, except Renee Zellweger.

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