Monday, July 12, 2004

From the "Something Else To Worry About" file, which is already quite large, this little piece of joyous news from the NY Times:

"Will Compasses Point South?"

"The collapse of the Earth's magnetic field, which both guards the planet and guides many of its creatures, appears to have started in earnest about 150 years ago. The field's strength has waned 10 to 15 percent, and the deterioration has accelerated of late, increasing debate over whether it portends a reversal of the lines of magnetic force that normally envelop the Earth.

During a reversal, the main field weakens, almost vanishes, then reappears with opposite polarity. Afterward, compass needles that normally point north would point south, and during the thousands of years of transition, much in the heavens and Earth would go askew.

A reversal could knock out power grids, hurt astronauts and satellites, widen atmospheric ozone holes, send polar auroras flashing to the equator and confuse birds, fish and migratory animals that rely on the steadiness of the magnetic field as a navigation aid. But experts said the repercussions would fall short of catastrophic, despite a few proclamations of doom and sketchy evidence of past links between field reversals and species extinctions.

Although a total flip may be hundreds or thousands of years away, the rapid decline in magnetic strength is already damaging satellites."

OK. Call me a crazy loon, but the freakishly wet and mild summer we've had in these parts recently has totally convinced me that a "Day After Tomorrow" scenario is unfolding RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR EYES, and now this. Goddamn Magnetic Fields. It's not just a musical concept project anymore, people, it's the end of the world! "Species extinctions?" "Much in the heavens and Earth would GO ASKEW?" AAAAAAHHHHH! I am mentally running and screaming and waving my hands! I'm Chicken Little and the sky IS falling! (Or the earth is. I'm not a scientist, dammnit, I'm a Blogger!) And here I was foolishly worried about the deadly snakes! (By the way, The NY Times online edition has no mention that I can find of the monsoon, the five million homeless South Asians, or the floating killer snakes. But I'm still looking.) Compasses will point south? Confused fish and fowl? What's next, the raining down of frogs? The sea turning red? A leviathan floating ashore? It's getting really Biblical these days, and I for one don't like it ONE BIT!

What I need is some good old-fashioned celebrities-run-amok stories. Where the hell is Kirstie Alley when I need her? I want her to weigh, oh, four hundred pounds or something awesome like that. 300 is not enough. I want Anna Nicole to admit to a crystal meth diet. I'm not picky! I know, I know, Courtney Love. Bless her heart. Her poor, drug-addled, tired-ass heart. But she is, quite frankly, old news. Sure, she was taken this weekend to Bellevue wearing nothing but a camisole and handcuffs, shrieking to the authorities about celebrating her 40th birthday with an abortion/miscarriage, and sure, she showed up on the wrong coast of the U.S. for one of her many assault/drug court cases, but I've come to expect this kind of behavior from Lady Love and the thrill is just kind of...gone. Don't get me wrong, she's the most run-amok celeb we've got these days, and I thank God every day she's around to give inspiration to other up-n-comers (Lindsay Lohan? Britney? Keep your fingers crossed!), but I want more. I'm greedy. I want stick-thin, bulemic, mentally unstable crackheads with more money than sense--I want Whitney! Where the hell is that reality show with her and Bobby? I need to stop worrying about the magnetic fields and the crumbling of American democracy and the floating snakes and focus all my attention on what really matters: Whitney and Bobby. Is that so much to ask? Huh?

On a positive note, the good people at Star Magazine have kindly offered me a free four-issue trial subscription and I say, thank you, Star, I accept!

No comments: