Friday, July 30, 2004

Blechh. Bah humbug. I suppose "apres le deluge...." applies here, both literally and figuratively. The rainstorm cleaned all the trash off the streets--and apparently, off the internet. There's NO GOOD NON-NEWS TODAY. So I will simply rehash the best parts of the Star magazine I bought yesterday at the grocery store, in a fit of self-indulgence. (I feel guilty ONLY about paying full cover price, not for the trash-mongering rag itself). On the cover (and here's what got me to fork over $3.29--they sure are smart over there at Star...): "Busts & Butts! Hollywood's Best & Worst! Who's Popping Up! Who's Drooping Down!" There are photos of Britney's ass with "Cellulite at 22!" and Mariah Carey's bosom (BEFORE AND AFTER)--not much explanation, I guess the boobs are supposed to speak for themselves, and actually, they do (Popping Up)!

The accompanying article is kind of odd, in that it divides "Boobs" into "Too Good to Be True?" (Answer: YES) and "Natural Women" (HA!), but then the "Butts" are rated under the "Best & Worst." So, they don't rate the boobs like they do the butts, which is kind of disappointing. I would have given some kind of Lifetime Achievement Award in Bad Boobage to Gwyneth "Flapjacks" Paltrow, although her pregnancy has left her bust much-improved. (For NOW. What happens to those saggy old fried eggs after she's done with breast-feeding? Ewwww!) For Best Non-Natural Boobs they gave Pam Anderson the "top" prize and noted that she is a 36DD+. Jessica "Genius" Simpson was awarded "Best Natural Boobs." Sigh. Naive fools!

Then it's "Best & Worst Butts": Cameron Diaz, Serena Williams, Anna Kournikova, and Gisele Bundchen are listed under "Best." Note that two of the best belong to professional athletes; so, sure, I too could have an awesome ass if I chose to you know, EXERCISE all the time. Sheesh. The tie for first place goes to Kylie Minogue and Beyonce Knowles. (Terri R. rightfully pointed out the strange lack of J.Lo's can in this homage to booty, and asks, "Do they hate her now that she is 'private'?" Answer: YES.) In the Worst Butts category, we have Kirstie Alley, of course; Monica Lewinsky (quite sad, the picure is TERRIBLE, somebody buy this girl a non-thong underpant, PLEASE!); and, happily, Paris Hilton for having "one bony bottom." Britney Spears is also here because of the above-mentioned cellulite; I have to say that if she would just keep her butt covered in more fabric it would look great. The shape is pretty much perfect; I would KILL to have that ass. So what if it's a little mottled? I think the cellulite gives it character. I'm all for character, BELIEVE me. They also give a special "prize" to Uma Thurman for daring to have the "Most Overexposed Butt," and of course there's a photo of her crack while she pulls on the sides of her bikini bottoms. Star magazine, isn't that a tad hypocritical of you? You, Sirs, are the ones who constantly printed photo after photo of Uma frolicking on the beach in a droopy bikini, and gleefully proclaimed her newfound joie de vivre after leaving Ethan Hawke. YOU created this monster, you! J'accuse, Star magazine, j'accuse! (A lot of French today, I don't know what's coming over me. Oh, well. Que sera, sera.) Also a lot of love/hate with Star...c'est la vie!

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