Thursday, June 24, 2004

I have NOT received this week's copy of US Weekly yet--are they punishing me? Does someone at US read this blog? Are they plotting and scheming at the plush US Weekly headquarters, saying "Oh, Miss Felt Up doesn't want to see anymore photo spreads of Jake Gyllenhaal's doggie? Well, she can just wait a few extra days for her new issue, then! HA HA HA HA (evil laugh)!" Seriously, this is getting serious. I know for a fact that the new issue has Mary-Kate Olsen on the cover, and it's all about her entering a treatment facility for anorexia!!!Everyone (and by everyone, I mean the 5 people who read this blog) knows that's one of my all-time favorite celebrity gossip topics--who's got anorexia--and goddammit I want that magazine in my hot little hands, pronto! Have you no sense of decency, sirs, have you finally no sense of decency at denying me my already-paid-for-by-somebody-else copy of your magazine? Sigh. Until US arrives and my life can resume, here's some juicy tidbits I've perused here and there:

Ben Affleck's new romance with somebody in Boston named Enza (they are already being called "Benza" in a truth-mimics-parody moment, since he did a whole bit about what his next couple name would be--"Bengay," etc--on SNL recently) is being hindered by his hectic work schedule, and (giggle, giggle) his "poker competitions." Yeah, it's rough on the old love life when you are a dedicated poker athlete like Ben. Lots of working out in sweatpants, "Rocky"-style training sessions with a crusty-but-lovable old pro who shows you the ropes, eating egg-yolks from a blender, banging hookers...Anyway, who wants to give me some odds on how long "Benza" will last? Anyone feeling lucky? Come on!

Also some hysterical non-news on the Tommy Lee front. Appparently Mr. Lee threw a drunken temper tantrum at the Bellagio Hotel in Vegas recently after the managers pulled the plug on his little turn at the DJ booth--because the music he was playing (mostly his own stuff and other horrible tunes the crowd wasn't diggin) was so incredibly BAD! According to the IMDB, Tommy "upset the venue's management by playing 'lousy music.' And, when Lee refused to change his choice of tunes he had his music turned off, which is when club manager Sean Christie claims the drummer started downing bottles of $800 champagne and refused to pay for them." You go, Tommy. NO ONE pulls the plug on Tommy Lee! Well, actually, I'm sure it happens all the time, in a figurative way. But never literally! Well, OK, maybe somebody else has literally pulled the plug on him before. But surely anyone with any sense would expect him to immediately throw a champagne-related hissy fit? And then drink said champagne in large quantities? And then refuse to pay? I mean, come on. He's Tommy Lee, man!

Can I just say I hate Ashley Judd with all my heart and soul? She was on the Daily Show, NOT looking her best (for once), and was not even charmed the tiniest bit by tiny Jon Stewart. How dare she be married to a hot Scottish/Italian race car driver and be a gorgeous movie star? How dare she? If I were Wynona Judd, I would have stomped her to death a long, long time ago. Or just strangled the life right of her with my bare, gigantic hands. You just KNOW she's wanted to her whole life. How could she not?...Having said all that, I would much rather be locked into a small, cramped room with Ashely Judd for several hours than with Eliazabeth "If I Were As Fat As Marilyn Monroe I Would Kill Myself" Hurley. If I had to choose. That's all I'm saying. Oooh, I could sit around for days and think about things like this..who's the most horrible star alive? Who would I least like to be stuck in an elevator with? Male and female...I'll have to do a little ruminatin' on that one and blog it back to you later. Any suggestions? E-mail me!

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