Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Oooh, I love juicy tidbits like this, once again from Richard "Dick" Johnson's Page Six, who is using the Star as HIS source, hee hee:

"IS her treatment for an eating disorder just the tip of the iceberg for Mary-Kate Olsen? Star magazine claims — but her rep vehemently denies — that the brunette Olsen twin, sequestered at the Cirque Lodge in Utah, is actually undergoing treatment for cocaine addiction. After finding her stash the day after graduating high school, her father supposedly sent Mary-Kate first to a detox center in Georgia, then to Utah. The twins' rep, Michael Pagnotta, said, "The story in the Star is absolutely false. Lawyers for Mary-Kate Olsen and Dualstar Entertainment Group are evaluating their options."

Lawsuit or not, I love the idea of a cocaine-addicted-anorexic-18-year-old-twin who rules Hollywood with a tiny, tiny iron fist. The oddest thing to me about the Olsens? They are fraternal, not identical, twins. It's true!
Terri R. has informed me that it is apparently 'traditional' for flags to be at half-mast for 30 days for a state funeral. Who knew? Not me, obviously. I guess the last time they did this was for LBJ, when I was a tiny, adorable tyke--and like I said in a previous entry, when Nixon died they practically threw him into the ground like a sack of potatoes. No fanfare, no pyramids, no nothing. You learn something new (and offending) every day!
I heart Jennifer Saunders of "Absoulutely Fabulous" even more now, because of this:

"British comedy duo Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders were horrified when they accidentally injured '60s singer Lulu in their new TV series. The funnywomen pretended to 'shoot' the Scottish hitmaker in a spoof of Quentin Tarantino's classic film Pulp Fiction. Lulu explains, "It all went slightly wrong in rehearsal. I was bleeding and had to go to hospital and have stitches. I still have the scars." Embarrassed French and Saunders sent the ex-wife of Bee Gee Maurice Gibb a gift to apologize. Lulu says, "It was a piece of silver jewelry with the words, 'We shot Lulu' engraved on the front and 'sorry' on the back."

Hee-hee. They are OBSESSED with Lulu, and rightly so. Will we ever get to see this "Pulp Fiction" spoof here in the USA or will our rights be further eroded by The Patriot Act? She was on "AbFab" numerous times and was always kind of bitchy, playing herself. Hee-hee. Aahh, Lulu--I can just see her singing "To Sir With Love" to Sidney Poitier in the movie and all the bad/good kids in their mod outfits looking at him with love in their eyes...I have to stop now. As the Sports Guy would say, it's getting a little dusty in here and I have terrible allergies....

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

I've been CASUALLY perusing some of the online personal ad pages, like Salon.com and Match.com, and I want to scream out to the online men of America: DUDES! Stop using the following words or phrases in your little one-line blurbs:

Dragons/Phasers/Beam Me Up, Scottie/Computer/Methinks

Jah

It Goes to 11 (Jesus, must we flog that dead horse ONE MORE TIME? I still love the movie, don't get me wrong, and I even use the phrase itself now and then, but seriously, Dudes, it's so overused as a personal blurb that you all need to put your liitle thinkin' caps on and just find a NEW LINE! There's LOTS of funny movies out there to steal from. I'll take a good old-fashioned Caddyshack reference at this point!)

Just Lookin' (Nice, real nice. I'm just lookin' on past your ad.)

Dirtbag (Oooh, how clever, he called himself a dirtbag so we don't have to!)

and worst of all...MISPELLED WORDS!!! I mean, come on. Do a little spellcheck on your one-line blurb that is probably your last-ditch chance at happiness. OK?

And then if I actually looked at someone's profile (about ten out of 150), I immediately scanned down to what their 'preferences' for women were, and if they had ANY weight preferences whatsoever, BOOM, I was outta there. Sure, I know people like what they like and that is their perogative, but I don't have weight prefernces, so why should they? And if they have any, they almost always turn out to be something along the lines of: height 4'11"-6'2", weight 90-145. Meaning they would accept a 145 pounder as long as they were over SIX feet tall. Good luck with THAT, Dudes! And think how many awesome ladies they are NOT meeting just because said hottie is not within their deluded weight/height range. J'accuse, Dudes, j'accuse!
Forgot to mention something else in the "La Dolce Musto" column that caught my little ole eye:

"Meanwhile, the Maria Montez of drag, Warhol superstar HOLLY WOODLAWN, will be played by Taboo's adorable EUAN MORTON in the movie version of Holly's memoir, A Low Life in High Heels, according to New York Blade's DAVID NOH. ALEXIS ARQUETTE will co-star as Warhol—and the Angelika, I bet, is already booked."

You know, after the Megan Mullaly-introducing-RuPaul-and-Yoko tidbit (see earlier post) I thought I'd hit the top of the gay-o-meter, but DING DING DING (goes the trolley), we've got a new winnah! Alexis Arquette as Andy Warhol? A cast-member of Taboo as Holly Woodlawn? Why don't they throw in Liza as Brigid Polk and Rip Taylor as Billy Name and Margaret Cho as The Stage Manager and David Johannsen as himself? I mean, why not? It would be totally AWEsome. Terri R. is peeing in her pants as we speak! And can I just say how much I regret that now MY memoirs cannot be called "A Low Life In High Heels?" Although a "An OK Life in Flats" would probably be more appropriate...
I know everybody already reads The Onion, but I really really loved this one:

"Reagan Pyramid Nears Completion

SIMI VALLEY, CA—Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to ensure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule to be completed in time for the 40th president's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld."

The flags in Texas are STILL at half-mast! ALL of them! The man has been literally dead for several weeks, and figuratively dead for over a decade! Maybe longer! Jesus H. Christ! I was heartened to see that "Angels in America" author Tony Kushner had some pretty harsh words about Reagan recently (check out Michael Musto's "La Dolce Musto" column for the full quotes at www.villagevoice.com); I'd been wondering where the hell HIS voice was and why he didn't speak out sooner. Bring those flags back up. UP! Unless they are there for dead American soldiers I don't want to see 'em anymore, it's totally driving me crazy! The man was an evil moron; all this hooplah is totally out of control. The Onion is only one teensy tiny little step ahead of reality (as usual, which is why it is so funny)!
This story is so 'Valley of the Dolls!" I guess I'd heard some rumors that model/ "actress" Bijou Phillips (daughter of Mamas and Papas' John Phillips) was wild-n-crazy, but I didn't know HOW craaaaazzzzyyyyy until I saw this humdinger in Richard "Dick" Johnson's NY Post Page Six gossip column:

"THE catfight pitting Hollywood hellion Bijou Phillips and jiggly Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson against Playboy pinup Nicole Lenz is headed to the courtroom.

Lenz has filed a $1 million lawsuit against Phillips and Johnson in Los Angeles over an incident in which Phillips allegedly punched and kicked Lenz at an MTV after-party.

The suit claims the dishy duo have been spreading lies to "influential persons in the entertainment industry" that Lenz burglarized Johnson's home and stole $750,000 worth of jewelry while the heiress was vacationing in Mexico....

As PAGE SIX first reported, Lenz obtained a restraining order against Phillips and Johnson after they confronted her at L.A. club XES on June 6, where Phillips attacked Lenz, punching her and dragging her "across the room" by her ponytail, according to the suit. Lenz claims the actress was eventually pulled off her by Matthew Perry of "Friends" and thrown out by security.

The next afternoon, Lenz says she was again menaced by Phillips when they ran into each other at a charity event in Pacific Palisades. "Shortly after plaintiff arrived, Phillips proceeded to yell obscenities at her and loudly called plaintiff a 'whore,' a 'prostitute,' a 'thief' and other derogatory terms," according to the suit.

The suit also claims that the Los Angeles Police Department, after searching Lenz's apartment and interviewing her "several times," does not consider her a suspect in the alleged burglary of Johnson's jewelry....

Attached to the court filing is a PAGE SIX item detailing Phillips' history of violent behavior, including cutting off the tip of a friend's finger with a cigar cutter, stabbing another friend in the leg and slamming a socialite to the ground at a nightclub."

Is there anything better than a catfight? A THREE-WAY CATFIGHT? Involving heiresses, Playboy models, and crazy minor celebrities? OK, first of all you know you're in deep doo-doo when Matthew Perry is the sanest person in the joint; and, oh, to have been a fly on the wall when Bijou screamed "whore" at this poor little pin-up or when she dragged her across the room by her ponytail. Or when she cut off a friend's finger with a cigar-cutter...doesn't she know cigars are so pre-millenium? Jeez. And another thing: when do I get to be described as 'jiggly'? Huh? That's what I want to know...

Monday, June 28, 2004

Listen to this:
"Hollywood hardman Bruce Willis is in talks to undergo a revolutionary hair treatment to cover his famous bald head. According to Britain's The Sun newspaper, the Sixth Sense star, 49, has consulted experts about a new 'hair cloning' treatment - which has only been tested on rodents and is awaiting approval from the US government."

Tested on rodents? What if Bruce had some kind of experience like in "The Fly" and mutated into a rat-man? Oh wait, that already happened! He could marry rat-faced Rosanna Arquette and they could have hideous rat-children together....

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Now my advertisements are Corgi-and Mary-Kate-Olsen-related. Hee hee...
Michelle S. and Terri R. reminded me of some 'good to be stuck in an elevator with' people:

Amy and David Sedaris (plus the Rooster)
John Waters
the entire cast of Reno 911/Viva Variety/SCTV
Clive Owen
Stephen Colbert

I'm gonna go ahead and add Melanie Griffith to the 'bad to be stuck in an elevator with' list. Although she's borderline 'fascinatingly horrifying'....but no, no, she's gotta go on the 'bad' list. The scrutiny of her enormous lips and tightly-pulled face would never outlast her odious personality...ditto Meg Ryan. They actually seem to be morphing into the same person. Must have the same deranged/bribable surgeon.

Kudos to Michelle S. for letting me know that it was, in fact, Mary Tyler-Moore who starred in the made-for-tv movie about Sante Kimes. I really wasn't sure if I had dreamed that or not. When you want something bad enough, sometimes you can't separate dream from reality...But this time my dreams seem based in reality. Hooray! I'm not completely crazy (unlike Sante).
I was so downtrodden and depressed after the recent announcement that Mel Gibson was rated the most powerful/rich crazy person in Hollywood, since his standing was due 100% to the frightening success of "The Passion." But here's something that cheered me up, and maybe this time next year it will be Michael Moore at the top of that list:

"`Fahrenheit 9/11,'' Michael Moore's assault on President Bush, took in $8.2 million to $8.4 million in its first day, positioning it as the weekend's No. 1 film, its distributors said Saturday."

The movie blew away the Wayans' Brothers horrifying movie "White Chicks," even though "Farenheit 9/11" was playing in 1/3 the amount of theaters! What if this becomes the feel bad movie hit of the summer? I've got a teeny amount of hope restored....

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Whew! My long nightmare is finally over: The Mary-Kate Olsen Anorexia issue of US Weekly arrived today. And here is why it was worth the wait: they list 'Five Signs That Mary-Kate Was Heading For Trouble.' And guess what the number one 'sign' was? Yes, that's right: "Extreme weight loss." Ahh, Us Weekly. Your wisdom knows no bounds. I heart you. But then..."Brintey Gets A Puppy!" had to go and spoil it all (see earlier post about my extreme dislike of celeb pet stories.) AND there's way too many reality people. More anas! Less puppies and reality show non-celebs! But on the whole, it's delightfully dishy and entertaining. For about 15 minutes worth of reading, you can't beat it.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Britney Spears is engaged to that icky dancer dude! Ewww! Yuck! He's somebody from 'Moesha's baby daddy! And soon-to-be-baby daddy, too! Gross!
In the Mary-Kate anorexia story, People confirms that people actually do use the word 'ana' as a POSITIVE slang for anorexic, just like in "Bergdorf Blondes" (see earlier post)! They also say that an "online follower took notice of Mary-Kate's red string bracelet, which some teens and young adults wear as a a signal of their 'ana' pride and to remind themselves not to eat." I'm confused about the red string: Is Demi Moore a Kabbalist or an ana or both? A Kabbalana? I don't even want to know what Esther's red string means....
THIS is why I subscribe to quality non-news magazines like People: an article about Sante and Kenny Kimes and their new trial in L.A. Where was this story in the mass media, I ask? The last time I saw anything about them was a great in-depth article in Vanity Fair years ago; then Kenny held that Court TV reporter hostage with a ball-point pen at her throat; then there was a made-for-tv movie, oh and the half-brother wrote an excellent tell-all book...but then they disappeared. Kenny got six years in solitary confinement for the Court TV lady thing, and they seemed to drop off the face of the earth...until now! Kudos, People Magazine, kudos! They reported that on the stand Sante "referred to prosecutor Eleanor Hunter as 'D.A. Death' and extolled her son Kenneth as a 'wonderful boy.' " And that "in letters Sante refers to Kenny as 'my soul mate.'" !!!!!!

In case you don't know, the Kimes are the mother-n-son evil grifters who murdered an old lady and a bunch of other people, acted all creepy incesty together on '60 Minutes,' swindled all kinds of money and did numerous fire-related insurance scams, and the mother was convicted and served time for holding Mexican women as SLAVES. They are my all-time favorite criminals! Apparently, Kenny has finally turned against his mama; he said in court that his family's motto was "No body, no crime." That's MY family's motto, too!
OK, I suppose I am somewhat mollified by the fact that my new issue of People has Mary-Kate Olsen's EATING DISORDER CRISIS on the cover; I just want US Weekly's sassy/cheeky take on it, too. I'm sure it will come out next week. It better! So far, here's the best thing in this issue: Madonna says she chose the name Esther for her Kabbalah name because Queen Esther "saved the Jews from annihilation." Well, then, OF COURSE that should be Madonna's new name. She's got such a great sense of humility that I really admire. I would have a lot more respect for her Kabbalah-mania if she would actually convert to Judaism first, but I've heard that takes a lot of time, energy, and work. Why not just skip to the juicy, culty part? I can see the appeal.

There's also a review of a book called 'Thinner Than Thou,' in which "chubsters are forced into weight-loss 'concentration camps' and anorexics, bulemics, and the truly obese are kidnapped in the middle of the night by nunlike creatures who re-program them at a sinister 'convent.' " I guess this is some kind of non-fiction book about Hollywood. Watch your back Kirstie Alley, watch your back!

In the article about Mary-Kate, they mention other stars who have battled anorexia/bulemia, and they say that "when Tracey Gold failed to heed the demands of her 'Growing Pains' producers that she lose weight, the sitcom's writers inserted 'fat jokes' into the scripts." Nice. Luckily, the evil nuns were there to whisk her away to a convent after she developed anorexia.....All together now: There's NO business like SHOW business, there's NO business I knoooooowwww! Everything about it's so appeeaallling! Everything about it is divine! No other business gives that special feeeeling, that special feeeeling so fine! There's no PEOPLE like show PEOPLE there's no PEOPLE I knooooowwww....ok, I'll stop now. I heart show tunes. Sorry.
Some juicy tidbits from the NY Post's 'Page Six' gossip column (reported by Richard "Dick" Johnson)...Some SIGHTINGS:

"MARLON Wayans losing his temper at a photographer at the "White Chicks" party at Viscaya and losing a glass that smashed on the floor, causing his friends to scream, "Don't drop the bottle" (of Belvedere vodka) in his other hand — which he didn't."

(Sounds like Marlon not only has good reflexes, he also has some good friends there, the kind you can trust to watch your back.)

"SHANNEN Doherty having a drink-tossing, curse-laden tantrum at Hollywood's Spider Club when a woman sat in her booth without permission."

(Well, what kind of commoner idiot would just SIT DOWN next to Madame Doherty without asking Her Royal Highness for permission first? How DARE she? Doesn't she know WHO SHANNEN IS?)

You can add Annabelle Sciorra to the list of my most-hated celebs because:

"BOBBY ("The Station Agent") Cannavale [was sitting] thisclose with Annabelle Sciorra as the N.Y. Liberty lost to the L.A. Sparks at the Garden."

(Isn't she old enough to be his mother?)

But this sounds fun:

"FOR the first time, the police officers who were first to respond to the Stonewall Riot 35 years ago have been invited to march in Sunday's Gay Pride Parade. Richie Ornstein and Frank Toscano will be driving a replica of the 6th Precinct patrol car they were in that night, "RMP 2499" — which is also the title of the screenplay they're writing about the famous riot in a Christopher Street bar that marked the birth of the gay liberation movement. The Stonewall Veterans Association, made up of gay men who fought with cops, has the 1969 Cadillac convertible that was parked outside the bar that summer night. Ornstein said, 'This time, instead of throwing beer bottles, they'll be throwing kisses.' "

AND in the continuing series I like to call 'If I Can't Live There, Why Can't I At Least Visit New York A Little More Frequently?':

"The night before on Pier 62 in Chelsea, Megan Mullally ("Will & Grace") will introduce RuPaul and Yoko Ono, who'll perform 'Every Man Has a Man Who Loves Them.' "

Oh my f-ing God.
It's funny, I never noticed the ads that run at the top of this page, and they seem to be related to key words in my blog...so right now it's all about the Detroit Pistons and LA Lakers, which I only mentioned once in one entry in a very unlike-me fit of sports enthusiasm...I pity the poor dude who Googles 'Detroit Pistons' and hits THIS page. Sorry, dude. The other key words listed are 'celebrity gossip' and 'corgis.' At least that's appropriate...How about 'fabulous austin single lady' as a search engine phrase, huh? Am I being dissed by Google?
As much as I'm sure I agree with the sentiment behind it, Demi Moore's outburst at a screening of "Farenheit 9/11" seems a little bit...oh, I don't know...ridiculous? Stupid? Here's the scoop:

"She was really, really vocal. She was hollering and cheering at the screen and yelling things at Bush. And she was pumping the air with her fist and saying things like, 'That was really harsh' and 'That was really crucial.'....Maybe she was a little hyper because she was drinking Jolt."

Yeah, Jolt. That's probably it. Jolt. I thought the kids Ashton's age call it 'crank' nowadays...Or maybe that's what they call it in the Kabbalah.

In other news, go see my friend Brenna's blog. It's a very well-written and fascinating look at her work with autistic children--and after you read it, you'll agree: Austistic children say the DARNDEST things! Check it out and you'll get addicted like me:


BLOOMING MINDS

I of course immediately asked Brenna about that infamous ending to the show "St. Elsewhere," in which it turns out that the entire series took place in the mind of an autistic child, and his dad is a bus driver instead of a doctor. If she has an expert opinion on that, I'll post it. I can't believe that the same genius who made "The White Shadow" could produce such crap as "St. Elsewhere" and Gwyneth Paltrow. But since he's no longer with us, I guess I shouldn't gripe about him too much. UGH! GWYNETH!

As to my query of yesterday, when I asked who would be the worst celebrity to be stuck in an elevator with, here are some informal results:

Mel Gibson
Donald Sutherland
Madonna
Demi Moore

I am adding the following nominees:
Liz "I'd Kill Myself If I Were As Fat As Marilyn Monroe" Hurley
Ashley Judd
Scarlett Johannsen
Gwyneth Paltrow
The Lead Singer of Creed
Tom Green
Pauly Shore
(the list of terrible comedians could go one forever)
Lara Flynn Boyle (although maybe I'd like to pinch her really hard to see if she is capable of feeling)

Who would I LIKE to be stuck in an elevator with, you ask? Well, I would divide those up into two categories: hotties and those who would be entertaining/fascinating/horrifying in a good way. And of course, those imaginary encounters with dead celebs is a whole 'nother blog...

HOTTIES
Benecio Del Toro (although he, like every other older male in Hollywood, has been sullied by "Scarlett Letter" Johannsen)
Terence Stamp
Vincent Cassel (thanks, Terri!)
Luke Wilson
Javier Bardem
Tim Roth
LL Cool J

ENTERTAINING/FASCINATING/HORRIFYING IN A GOOD WAY:
Whitney Houston (but I couldn't take it for long)
Brittany Murphy (ditto)
Liza!
David Gest!
Liz Taylor
Kathy Griffin
Carrie Fisher and/or Debbie Reynolds
David O. Russell
Wes Anderson
Margaret Cho
Alan Cummings
Jon Stewart
Charlie Murphy
Dave Chappelle
The Coen Brothers
Loretta Lynn! Dolly Parton!
hell, I'd take Wynona, and ask her about how much she wants to squash Ashley like a bug

Any nominees out there?


Thursday, June 24, 2004

I have to get a copy of "Bergdorf Blondes." I know it contains all the things I look for in serious literature--trash-talking, dishiness, horrible rich people--yet I still hadn't been too inspired to buy it. Until I saw this on the CNN website:

"Bergdorf Blondes" can go from language that sounds just too fake to be enjoyable -- "Totally icky! I thought I was going to vom!" -- to genuinely hilarious moments, such as when Moi gives her Park Avenue Princess friend a set of little Beatrix Potter books for her baby shower, and "she totally freaked because it was more books than she'd ever read."

Wow. "I thought I was going to vom"? Wow. That's not too fake for ME to find enjoyable, CNN. Also, she uses the slang word 'ana' as in 'anorexic' as a POSITIVE adjective: "She's so ana that I bet that rich guy is going to vom over her." (I made that one up, but for all I know it's in the book for reals.) Wow.

I can't stop blogging today.
Best line from last night's 'Reno 911': When asked what the Brits call "crack whores," the English police visitor replies, "Crack wenches." Hooray for CRACK WENCHES!
Here's a great quote from the new US Weekly: "Ever since Jack [White] got out of anger management classes, he's more serious about commitment and family." That sounds like quality husband material to me! But I bet I can get it for you wholesale--ba dum bum (rimshot)! I'm here all week, ladies and germs. Try the veal. But seriously, Renee, you better keep your teensy, tiny, squinty eyes wide open when he gets down on one red-clad knee to propose. He's trouble, right here in River City, with a capital T and that rhymes with Z and that stands for Zellweger! Can you imagine their hideous babies? EEEK!
I may have jumped the gun a little bit in my last entry; I just got my US Weekly. YAY! But it's still almost a week late! AND, it has J.Lo "Getting Ready For Baby!" on the cover; the only mention of Mary-Kate Olsen is about how the twins just turned 18 ("Birthday Getaways! Buckets of Money! Boyfriend Trouble! Bummer!") with nary a mention of anorexia. NAY! I am nonplussed. What the F? Is this an OLD copy that I'm just now getting, or is the NEW one so new I haven't gotten it yet? Or does Baby Lo trump Skinny Twin? Hard to say. I know how I vote...When I have perused the contents of the whole magazine (should take about 15 minutes) I will re-post the highlights. After I go to work, of course.
I have NOT received this week's copy of US Weekly yet--are they punishing me? Does someone at US read this blog? Are they plotting and scheming at the plush US Weekly headquarters, saying "Oh, Miss Felt Up doesn't want to see anymore photo spreads of Jake Gyllenhaal's doggie? Well, she can just wait a few extra days for her new issue, then! HA HA HA HA (evil laugh)!" Seriously, this is getting serious. I know for a fact that the new issue has Mary-Kate Olsen on the cover, and it's all about her entering a treatment facility for anorexia!!!Everyone (and by everyone, I mean the 5 people who read this blog) knows that's one of my all-time favorite celebrity gossip topics--who's got anorexia--and goddammit I want that magazine in my hot little hands, pronto! Have you no sense of decency, sirs, have you finally no sense of decency at denying me my already-paid-for-by-somebody-else copy of your magazine? Sigh. Until US arrives and my life can resume, here's some juicy tidbits I've perused here and there:

Ben Affleck's new romance with somebody in Boston named Enza (they are already being called "Benza" in a truth-mimics-parody moment, since he did a whole bit about what his next couple name would be--"Bengay," etc--on SNL recently) is being hindered by his hectic work schedule, and (giggle, giggle) his "poker competitions." Yeah, it's rough on the old love life when you are a dedicated poker athlete like Ben. Lots of working out in sweatpants, "Rocky"-style training sessions with a crusty-but-lovable old pro who shows you the ropes, eating egg-yolks from a blender, banging hookers...Anyway, who wants to give me some odds on how long "Benza" will last? Anyone feeling lucky? Come on!

Also some hysterical non-news on the Tommy Lee front. Appparently Mr. Lee threw a drunken temper tantrum at the Bellagio Hotel in Vegas recently after the managers pulled the plug on his little turn at the DJ booth--because the music he was playing (mostly his own stuff and other horrible tunes the crowd wasn't diggin) was so incredibly BAD! According to the IMDB, Tommy "upset the venue's management by playing 'lousy music.' And, when Lee refused to change his choice of tunes he had his music turned off, which is when club manager Sean Christie claims the drummer started downing bottles of $800 champagne and refused to pay for them." You go, Tommy. NO ONE pulls the plug on Tommy Lee! Well, actually, I'm sure it happens all the time, in a figurative way. But never literally! Well, OK, maybe somebody else has literally pulled the plug on him before. But surely anyone with any sense would expect him to immediately throw a champagne-related hissy fit? And then drink said champagne in large quantities? And then refuse to pay? I mean, come on. He's Tommy Lee, man!

Can I just say I hate Ashley Judd with all my heart and soul? She was on the Daily Show, NOT looking her best (for once), and was not even charmed the tiniest bit by tiny Jon Stewart. How dare she be married to a hot Scottish/Italian race car driver and be a gorgeous movie star? How dare she? If I were Wynona Judd, I would have stomped her to death a long, long time ago. Or just strangled the life right of her with my bare, gigantic hands. You just KNOW she's wanted to her whole life. How could she not?...Having said all that, I would much rather be locked into a small, cramped room with Ashely Judd for several hours than with Eliazabeth "If I Were As Fat As Marilyn Monroe I Would Kill Myself" Hurley. If I had to choose. That's all I'm saying. Oooh, I could sit around for days and think about things like this..who's the most horrible star alive? Who would I least like to be stuck in an elevator with? Male and female...I'll have to do a little ruminatin' on that one and blog it back to you later. Any suggestions? E-mail me!

Monday, June 21, 2004

Terri R. thought I should post a little somethin' somethin' about the fantastically funny new movie "Dodgeball," which she and I both believe is not getting the good rep that it deserves! The audience we saw it with yesterday only laughed at the heavy-objects-thrown-at-crotch jokes, which of course are always surefire funny, but then there was nary a chuckle at all the truly funny stuff that FILLS this movie! It is hysterical! There's so much humor being hurled at you from the screen that sometimes it's hard to catch up--visuals, voice-overs, music, etc--I think I need to study this movie as closely as Madonna (Esther) studies the Kabbalah. AND to top it off, the reviews have been OK, but not nearly as enthusiastic as they should be...Ben Stiller did not write this movie, people! The first-time director did! He's a genius. The performances are great, the cast is top-notch, the jokes are funny without being truly mean-spirited or gross (except for one scene that's in the trailer where the fat girl crushes the skinny guy in a cheerleading tryout--THAT got huge guffaws from the audience), AND there's a guy who thinks he's a pirate. What more can you ask for? And I solemnly swear that Jason Bateman is the new comic master of our day. (I never thought I would write that sentence. But it is true, dammit, true!) Go see "Dodgeball" right now.

Also watched "Six Feet Under" last night. I thought it couldn't get any creepier (in a good way), but this episode had some truly creeeeeeeeeppy images that haunted my dreams. In a good way. Also it looks like Claire is going down the inevitable lesbian-experimentaion route which I think will be boring, but all too believable. She's, like, arty and you know, confused. I went to an all-women's college, I know of what I speak--there were more temporary-lesbians there than trees. And there were a lot of trees.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

My good friend Terri R. likes to say that R. Kelly is the 'unintentially funniest lyricist of our time,' and while that is a mighty tall order in THIS day and age, I now have definitive proof. The online Village Voice has an article up now that dissects the absolute UNsexiness of R. Kelly's supposedly ultra-sexy songs, and from a male perspective, to boot. It's all about how icky Kelly's songs make him feel. It's a good article, but the best part was finding out more about R. Kelly's ouvre; I am not all that familiar with his works...I HAD thought that "Feelin' On Yo Bootie" was his funniest song title, but that was until I heard about "I Like The Crotch on You." But here's the best part, a snippet of lyrics from "You Remind Me of Something":

"u remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it/Something like my sound, I wanna pump it/Girl, you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it/And something like my bank account, I wanna spend it, baby."

What an unintenionally funny genius! He may be our Unintentionally Funny Poet Laureate. Terri R. was so right. Again.

To read the whole article, go to:

R.Kelly!


Friday, June 18, 2004

I saw on the IMDB gossip page that Ben Affleck was 'stunned' by J-Lo's wedding to that wee Latin troll--no duh--but I was way more stunned by the revelation that Ben and J-Lo only dated 18 months TOTAL!!! It seemed like an eternity. Almost as long as the never-ending Reagan memorial. The flags are STILL at half-mast everywhere I go. It's over, people! J-Lo has moved on, and now so must America!

Thursday, June 17, 2004

I'm not very into sports, but I do vaguely follow basketball, and I know enough to hate, despise, and revile the LA Lakers. (Surely I'm the last person on the planet to find out that the Lakers started out in Minnesota...I always wondered why in God's name they were called the LA Lakers. It's like when I found out the Utah Jazz originated in New Orleans...the light bulb is dim, but eventually, it turns on above my head.) I also always love the underdog. And I loved "Hoosiers" and "The White Shadow," both of which taught me the value of team playing over glory-hogging, of tough coaches with hearts of gold, and tall men in tube socks and short shorts. So I am beyond thrilled that the Detroit Pistons (the COOLEST team name in the league!) have won the NBA Championships over the despicable alleged-rapist-shielding Lakers. Without hotshot superstar players, but a great defense, a guy with the best Afro ever (Ben Wallace), and a lovable coach. Here's a great quote from the NY Times:

"The Detroit Pistons, the champions of the 2003-4 season, hustled each night for 48 minutes, shared the ball and the glory, played perhaps their best game on their last day of the season, and defeated a team that tried to steal a title based on the notion of superstar entitlement."

I cried a little tear when I read that, I really did. Phooey on you Shaq and Kobe. Superstar entitlement...Phooey!

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Something I've noticed in my trashy celeb magazines--a seemingly endless scrutiny of the post-pregnancy weight-loss of the rich and famous. When did this become so fascinating? Is it the large number of female celebs who are gettting pregnant? Is it the fat post-pregnant non-celebs who want to feel better about themselves? On the one hand, I--like everyon else, apparently--enjoy seeing celebs get grotesquely fat; but they are pregnant, for god's sake, and I actually do find myself feeling the teensiest bit sorry for these women (Debra Messing, Kate Hudson, et al) who have to be photographed right after giving birth and have their weight discussed by the mass media. They are under enormous pressure to look EXACTLY like their pre-pregnant selves immediately upon giving birth. Frankly, I find anything and everything having to do with pregnancy gross and disgusting; what about the good old days when famous people disappeared for nine months, had the kid, stayed in seclusion, and then re-emerged, never mentioning the tiny tot? I could care less about what kind of stroller Gwyneth is using, by the way, or what kind of baby shower gifts Courtney Cox got. Yuck! I resent all this coverage taking up so much valuable space in my trashy mags when they could be doing more stories about non-pregnant fat celebrities. I also enjoy the too-thin stories. More Lara Flynn Boyle! And the druggies. Or both at the same time! (Speaking of druggies, after seeing Uma Thurman's acceptance speeches at the MTV Awards, I have one question: Is Uma Thurman on SPEED, man, or what? Is that why she got so skinny? Las drugas? La cocaina? El phen phen? I have no proof, of course, just the observation of her incredibly hyperactive, fastfastfast manic talking coupled with her rather extreme body makeover. Ditto Brittany Murphy, too; she's a lovable nutcase druggie/anorexic if I ever saw one. And she plays Luann Platter. I heart Brittany!) More druggies! More anorexics! More breakdowns! For god's sake, MORE Whitney Houston and Kirstie Alley! Less pregnancy!

I ALSO hate all the coverage of celebrities' pets. I have seen Jake Gyllenhal and Kirsten Dunst's dog more than I have seen Liza, David Guest, and their attorneys put together--and that is just plain wrong. It is a travesty. Who cares about that dog, except their owners? Of course, this is coming from someone who has published an endless stream of blog entries about her own dog's stomach distress, but still. THEIR dog is fine. US Weekly, you need to get more like the Star! You need bitchy, snide features on Jerry Hall's cellulite. You totally dropped the ball on that one, US Weekly. You need more 'blind items,' like the NY Post's Page Six--they just did a great one about a "much-talked about married" celebrity couple who enjoy all-night cocaine parties and threesomes with young ladies...now THAT'S news! Who could it be? Jen and Brad? Denise and Charlie? There aren't THAT many married couples in Hollywood who are much-talked about. THAT'S the kind of hard-hitting journalism that I look for in a no-good, throwaway, embarrassing-to-own celebrity-oriented magazine. NOT Debra Messing's stroller!

And while I'm venting, one more thing: NO MORE REALITY SHOW stories! They are NOT celebrities! Who gives a good goddamn about The Bachelor? Or his wedding, called-off-wedding, anullment, new love, or old flame? Not me! I don't mind the shows themselves, but I really don't care about ANY of the Survivors, Bachelorettes, Apprentices, Forever Edeners, Fear Factorers, or whoever--AT ALL--once the shows are over. They are like fast-food--fun and terrible for you, and you really don't want to think about it after it's gone.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Hallelujah, my new US Weekly came today! I probably would've gotten it yesterday had it not been for the National Day of Mourning, which I think is an outrageous constriction of my freedoms. The ability to read stupid, inconsequential trash in a timely manner is my constitutional right, dammit. It also delayed my Netflix! Anyway, J-Lo's wedding hair and dress were tacky, I thought. And Ben Affleck has "gross back hair," according to his new girlfriend. Eww!
Hey ladies! There's a fun event in Austin tonight, and it is FREE, involves alcohol, underpants and getting Bush out of office! Who could ask for more? One of the fabulous models in our last fabulous Club de Ville Fashion Show, Andrea, forwarded this to me:

The event is free, but if you make a $25 donation you can get a pair of "Kiss Bush Goodbye" panties. Please pass this along to as many women as you can. We're trying to activate the younger, nonvoting woman, but we can have fun while doing so!

Women Against Bush Seek Same. WANTED: Fun, fashionable, fed-up women whose bras are too
attractive to burn. Prefer brunching to brow-beating, but willing to throw their cocktails in the face of oppression, sexism and the lies that make up "compassionate conservatism." Pull up a stool --we're the women you've been looking for!

Kiss Bush Goodbye Happy Hour
Saturday, June 12th
6:00 pm-7:30 pm
Momo's Club
618 West Sixth Street (upstairs above Katz's)

Stay late for great music by Seela, Astrogin, and Patrice Pike.
No cover prior to 7:30 pm -- a cover charge of $10 will be charged
after 7:30 for entertainment.

Invite your friends and energize the "High Heel Vote!"

Running in Heels is a political action committee started by a group of women in Washington D.C. to promote women's participation in elections and the government. It's current project, WomenAgainstBush.org, is focused on defeating Bush in the 2004
election. Through cocktail parties, salon socials and other typically apolitical methods, the group is mobilizing young, single women to kick George out of office in 2004. It's sizeable group -- 22 million single women ages 18-30 didn't vote in the 2000 election, making them the least likely to vote of any demographic. We'll be holding monthly events in Austin, so if you want to stay involved, sign up at WomenAgainstBush.org.

_____________________

Friday, June 11, 2004

Will the media stop talking about Reagan after he is finally, at long last, put in the damn ground? Will they just shut up already about this person? Nixon was no worse than Reagan--he just got caught---and with him it was just--poof! Ding, dong, Nixon's dead, who cares? They simply plonked him in the grave and that was it. No fuss whatsoever, the way it should be. Are they going to put on all this hoopla when Carter goes? Ford? CLINTON? The most amazing thing about Reagan's death is that he was only 93 years old. He seemed 93 when he was elected in 1980. I thought he was, like, 105 years old now. At least Terri R. got the day off. She is spending it in deep, deep mourning. HA!

I watched the MTV Movie Awards last night, and I can only ask myself, WHY? Why do I always watch this horrible show? It was bearable only because I was watching it with Terri R., but I am constantly disappointed by this hideous charade every single year--yet I cannot turn away. None of the nominees gives a fig if they win (why should they?); the jokes are terrible; the presenters stilted and uncomfortable; and this year the little lead-ins to each award were nightmare-inducing and unfathomably hideous. They seemed to be parodying something of which I am not aware--I am way too old to be watching this show, apparently---a computer-generated horror movie? A video game? They were a fright. There was also a poor, tiny midget pitifully dressed as some kind of monster, kept inside a barred CAGE under the podium, who gave the actual awards out. It was an awful, demoralizing sight. God, I know I sound like an old fogey, and usually I am the first one to see that EVERYONE loves a midget, but maybe seeeing "The Station Agent" has changed my views on little people, and I found it highly exlpoitative--and NOT amusing at all.

The only funny thing in the whole deal was the very first sketch, with Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn pitching a sequel to "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy to Peter Jackson. That made me giggle. But even Will Ferrell, who usually can make me laugh just by standing there, wasn't very funny in his "Anchorman" sketches, interviewing Jim Cavieziel and Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. When Will Ferrell isn't funny, you know you are in for a rough ride. Sigh.

I complain, and yet where will I be next year at this time? Right back at Terri R.'s, watching her MTV--hopeful, eternally hopeful, that THIS time it will be fun.

In other news, Nordstrom's is having a sale. Shoe-a-holics, you have been warned.

Also, I found a 'Best of Elvis Costello Video Collection' at the thrift yesterday--who knew Elvis had made 22 videos by 1985? Not me.



Thursday, June 10, 2004

Ray Charles died. HE should get a national day of mourning. HE should have a full state funeral. He DEFINITELY had a more positive impact on American culture....By the way, in lieu of flowers, I believe the Reagan family has asked that everyone make a donation to their favorite AIDS charity or hospice.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

For those who know me, don't be shocked whenever you see me again--I have radically changed my hair color! It is now very, very dark red. Blood red. Almost goth. I don't know, the mood just hit me. For that summer look.

In other news, Bobby Brown is even more of an idiot than I'd previously thought. According to the Internet Movie Data Base, he apparently blames his domestic violence arrest last December on Whitney tyring to make him take Welbutrin for his 'bipolar' condition. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that Welbutrin is way too mild a mood drug to be used on a manic-depressive. He also says he's 'come to learn' that Welbutrin is being sued for someone's suicide. Now, I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure it was another drug (Paxil?) that is being named in a suicide lawsuit, and it had to do with children, not adults. I hope Welbutrin sues Bobbby Brown.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Just got the new Vanity Fair, with David Beckham on the cover. It's a great issue, with just the right mix of anti-war/Bush stories (including one on my hero, Richard Clarke--he's a bachelor!) and debauched tales of starlets and royalty frolicking in St. Tropez. But this is the best: from the Becks article, when his team the Real Madrid lost a game, the fans showed up with a placard that read:
"FOR YOU, WHORES AND MONEY. FOR US, INDIGNATION AND REPRESSION." That really spoke to me on a very deep and personal level. Maybe someday I will make a pillow with that slogan for my couch. Or better yet, someone else could make one and give it to me as a very thoughtful present.

When Becks was a wee tot and had to be a page boy at a wedding, he wanted to wear "knickerbockers, knee-length socks, frilly shirt, and ballet shoes." Hee hee!

Posh and Becks' house is known to those rascally Brits as "Beckingham Palace."
I just tweaked the format a wee bit and already I've got a SPY NETWORK! It's so exciting. Here's what I've gotten:

An extremely fabulous source, who shall remain nameless, met Lyle Lovett once and says he "has fleshy hands and bad breath." Eww!

Also, my anonymous-n-fashionable spy says that Elizabeth Taylor owns a coffee table that is covered with enormous amethysts--isn't that just what you WANT La Liz to have in her home? I know I do. AND Liz has a Van Gogh painting over her couch that's been accused of having been looted by the Nazis. Will the drama ever end for that incredible lady? Let's hope not.

And, finally, a wonderful little bird told me that Debbie Reynolds introduces herself and her daughter to everyone she meets as: "I'm Debbie Reynolds of 'Singing in the Rain' and this is my daughter, Carrie Fisher, of 'Star Wars'..." Yay!

In other news, I have decided to also include a movie/dvd/book review now and then when the mood hits me. They won't be too long, just little snippets about what's crossing my path...any recommendations, people? This week I saw the new Harry Potter: loved it. Awesome. So much better than the other two. Why are they not keeping on Alfonso Cuaron for the rest of them? Huh? He is brilliant. Also saw "Super Size Me." Excellent. I was really shocked and surprised and entertained by the incredible speed and terrible power of fast food to wreak havoc on the human body. And the guy in it is funny and used funny graphics and music {"Pusher Man" by Curtis Mayfield is used especially well), so that it didn't have a pedantic, lecturing tone. Take a lesson, Mr. Michael Moore! Also the doctor with the bags under his eyes is a superstar in the making, and Terri R., Tanya B., and myself all agree he should have his own movie.

Since I joined Netflix I no longer leave the house. Rented an odd assortment this week, including "Midnight Madness," forced upon me by my boyfriend, who admitted after viewing it that it had lost some of its charm since he saw it in the '80s. Starring David "I'm a An American Pepper Werewolf in London" Naughton (whatever happened to that guy?) and the guy who played Eugene in "Grease" as--you guessed it--a super-nerd, AND the first movie appearance by a teenage Michael J. Fox, this was released by Disney in 1980 and must have died a quick death, because I have no memory of it ever existing. It's about a game that a college guy invents, with five teams--Nerds, Jocks, Sorority Sisters, Bad Guys, and Good Guys--driving around L.A. over the course of one long night, trying to figure out the clues the gamemaster has left them to go to the next stage of the game. In the process, David Naughton learns that his younger brother (Michael J. Fox) feels ignored and just wants to be loved. One of the many weird things about this movie is that David Naughton is not a student at the college, but a guidance counsellor, yet competes against students; also the jocks and the sorority girls are enemies, which is so not like real life. There is a funny scene at an arcade with a brief cameo by Pee-Wee Herman dressed like a cowboy and acting all Pee-Wee-ish. He's a genius. I can't recommend this movie, but if they still had 'Night Flight' on the USA Network, and they aired this and we were all drunk and teenagers, I might say, 'Oh my god, you guys, we HAVE to watch this, it's so silly!'

Monday, June 07, 2004

AAAAAhhhhhh, yes, now that I've been freed from my Corgi/feltcraft shackles, I feel the need to blog my brains out! Here's some celeb gossip that has intrigued me recently:

1. DIVA ALERT! Scarlett Johanssen allegedly had a hissy fit at the launch of some product she's flogging--apparently she wanted NO PRESS and NO ONE IN THE ELEVATOR with her at her NYC shindig. Those rumors of her being a total diva seem to be all too true...Also, is there any older male in Hollywood she ISN'T 'dating'? I thought she was incredibly overrated in "Lost in Translation," by the way. She looked out of windows for two hours! And she's 19 and cute. And did it with Benicio del Toro. I hate her.

2. Is J-Lo preggers? Why the rush to the altar (besides her incredible inability to be alone, of course)? And why Marc Anthony? She will crush his skinny bag of not-cute Latino bones, literally and figuratively!

3. Winona Ryder has shopped in our store (Blue Velvet) twice now! She was very nice, polite, non-diva-ish, and not in anyway suspicious-seeming. Take note, Scarlett, this is what a real movie star acts like! She comes in and spends lots of money at my store! Bravo, Winona, BRAVO! She apparently has been quite the shop-o-holic while filming her new movie here in Austin; she was spotted at Parts And Labour on S. Congress (bought shoes that featured Jenny Hart's embroidered portrait of the White Stripes) and at a host of other retail establishments that I'd rather not mention...If Scarlett came in the shop and dropped a big wad of cash, I might, MIGHT change my opinion of her. Stranger things have happened....Other celeb shoppers who actually have graced our humble premises: Eric Stoltz, Nick Cave, Johnny Knoxville, Incubus (twice), Alannis Morrissette, model Carolyn Murphy, one half of the Go-Go's (the tasteful half), and Natalie Portman. I was only there for Eric Stoltz and Alannis. I always miss the famous people! Nick Cave's credit card slip read 'Mr. Nicholas Cave.' He bought a skirt. Somewhere I can only assume that a wee Australian gothy girl is wearing a Blue Velvet vintage skirt, thanks to Mr. N. Cave!

On the low-carb front, Breyer's makes a delicious Rocky Road ice cream with four grams net carbs for 1/2 cup. (I consumed about 20 carbs worth just now.) And their vanilla is delicious, too, especially when made into a Diet Coke float. Kudos, Breyer's, kudos! FYI: don't be fooled by the no-name brand that makes a low-carb ice-cream in an almost-identical-to-Breyer's container...it's not the same! It sucks! I learned this the hard way. Look for the Breyer's label and accept no substitutes! Thanks to Tanya B. and her dad for letting me know about this product.

Also Terri R. sent me a news alert about Krispy Kreme coming out with a 'low-carb donut,' but I will be the judge of that. It better taste EXACTLY like a regular Krispy Kreme or I will cry bitter, bitter tears right in the middle of the nearest Krispy Kreme outlet, let me tell you. Now I just want low-carb french fries and a low-carb Whataburger bun. Is that too much to ask?

Yes, this IS turning into my high school diary, with one entry every six months or so...but there just hasn't been a whole lot of Corgi-or-felt-related news of late. Here's some about my store: thanks to the keen eye of NaughtySecretaryClub.com's Jennifer Perkins' mother, I found out that Blue Velvet was mentioned favorably in the current (June) issue of Budget Travel Magazine, in a nice article about 'old Austin' by Jason Cohen. Also, (shout out to Jen Perkins AGAIN, for forwarding the link), Vickie Howell, member of the Austin Craft Mafia, co-grand-dame of RubyGoesRetro.com and all-around swell person, was kind enough to wear a Felt Up pin on her awesome new knitting show on the DIY TV network, "Knitty Gritty." Check it out:

Knitty Gritty Promo Card!

In order to keep this page up, I may have to add in some posts that are about other obsessions of mine--low-carb dieting, thrift-shopping, celeb gossip, etc, or there just won't be enough news fit to print....