Friday, February 11, 2011

The Good, The Bad, and The Jiggy

First, a wee program note: January 30 was Felt Up's 7th anniversary! Hooray.

Now for the good stuff. Well, "good" if you're into trashy reality shows. Awesome blog Reality Tea has a bunch of "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Before They Were Famous" photos. My favorites are:

1) Taylor "Our Lady of The Lip" Armstrong, whose horrible, boring, aloof husband has been in trouble with the IRS (convicted of felony assessment evasion), and allegedly sued for "fraud, negligent misrepresentation, breach of fiduciary duty and more," according to this site, and who, by the way, tried to pretend that her daughter was godmothered by fellow RHBH co-star Adrienne Maloof (the truth--that The Maloof is not the godmother and is not "close" to Taylor at all--came out on the "Real Housewives Lost Footage" special), AND allegedly tried to call herself Taylor Ford and pass herself off as a member of the Ford family (as in Ford Motors), although her real name is Shana Hughes, and, as we all know by now, is from Oklahoma, not Michigan:

So young, cute, fresh-faced, and UNRECOGNIZABLE. Granted, these photos were taken in the 1980s, but does she even have dimples anymore? Did they get sucked away during all the surgeries? Is that possible?

2) Speaking of unrecognizable, I will let you try to guess who the hell this is:

That, my friends, is CAMILLE GRAMMER.

Sadly, no old-school photos of Jiggy before the alopecia set in, but there are some good ones of mild Felt Up obsession Lisa Vanderpump and her shaggy-haired husband Ken. In fact, the whole layout is worth perusing, especially for the cute series of Kim Richards Before She Was Tragic.

I am LOVING that the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was such a success that Bravo is doing everything in its power to mine and exploit every tawdry scrap of film they already shot so they can create "new" RHBV shows, like the afore-mentioned "Lost Footage" program and the upcoming "director's cut" of the infamous "Dinner Party from Hell," featuring the e-cigarette smoker/medium/horror Alison DuBois and "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick. Huzzah! I, for one, am not willing to give up on this season and am ready to eat up whatever re-hashed mishmash of old footage that Bravo dishes out. As Allison DuBois would say, I know exactly when I'm going to watch a crappy reality show--I love that about me! KNOW THIS, Bravo. KNOW THIS.

In other Real Housewives "news," creepy narcissist Slade Smiley who has dated three, count 'em three of "The Real Housewives of Orange County," owes over $138,000 in child support for his son with brain cancer. Why am I not surprised?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Vanderpumping The Past

I was perusing my favorite "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" star Lisa Vanderpump's website, as is my wont, and was amazed to discover that she starred in a couple of ABC videos from the '80s, including "Poison Arrow," a video that was shown approximately one million times during my callow youth, which was entirely spent glued to MTV 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

I actually think she looks better now, thanks to some sort of pact with the devil/illegal European urine injections/picture of Dorian Gray/whatnot. She's richer than God, so who knows? Anyway, behold the Vanderpump!

Whatever happened to ABC, I wonder?

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

A Program Note From Felt Up

I am starting to post again a bit over on THRIFTY CENT, my thriftin' blog. So be sure to check it a few hundred times a day, every single day, just in case.

Thank you.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

They Really Are Kardooky

The awesome Kardashian Christmas Card makes me think they could be the new Addams Family, except, you know....trashy.

Hot Couple Alert: Denikki Sixxards

(image via usweekly)

Boy oh boy, Denise Richards sure knows how to pick 'em. After the emotional rollercoaster of being married to Charlie Sheen and then dating the ex-husband (Richie Sambora) of her now-ex-best friend (Dame Heather Locklear), she has wisely chosen to give her heart to noted humble gent Motley Crue bassist Nikki "I Like To Talk About Myself In the Third Person A Lot" Sixx, who seems to finally have gotten over Kat Von D, who dumped him for internationally-reviled cheater/possible Nazi Jesse James. Whew! I need a flow chart or something to keep track of all this l'amour.

Anyway, new couple! Let's take bets on how long it lasts...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Separated At Birth?

I never thought I would wake up this morning and make this celebrity comparison, but take a wee gander at this photo of 1980s star and Felt Up Grande Dame Emeritus Emma Samms:

(image via eriklerouge)

....and then drink in this very recent shot of Christina Ricci:

(image via the wow report)

I'm not crazy, right? Emma Samms for the WIN. (She's also looking just the teensiest bit like Ms. Shannon Doherty.) None of this is terrible news, of course, and she looks super-glam and all--it simply means that SHE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE CHRISTINA RICCI.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Twin Freaks

Ah, the mysterious yin and yang of cosmetic surgery. Earlier this week, there was the yin, represented by wonderful-looking 59-year-old "Wonder Woman" star Lynda Carter.

And now, the YANG:

(image via thedailymail)

Ack! It's Lara Flynn Boyle! I think.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

I Say A Little Prayer For You

(image via 8notes)

I hate to sound like Camille Grammer and make this all about ME, ME, ME, but I knew I was really going to regret not spending $250 to see Aretha Franklin in Austin a few years ago.

I just had a feeling...

Kash and Karry With The Kardashians

(image via honeygerman)

I just love the New York Times' "Critical Shopper" column, which reviews stores instead of movies or books; I'm sure being in the retail game (when not humbly blogging away, of course) may have something to do with it. There are exceptions: Uber-hipster Cintra Wilson's repulsively snobby and vicious review of the flagship JC Penney's in Manhattan, for example. However, today my two worlds have collided, in a delightful way, with the "Critical Shopper"'s report on Dash, the new New York outpost of the Kardashian Sisters' retail empire. Huzzah!

Writer Jon Caramanica gets the tone--humor without rancor--just right. He and his friends try to figure out which Kardashian they are ("Fleur was “a Khloé with a strong undercurrent of Kourtney”; Bolt, “a Khloé with Kim rising.” Ace pleaded ignorance, though she’s a Kim, through and through. Me, probably more Kourtney than I’d care to admit, so let’s say mostly Kim and call it a day." Except for having pals named Fleur, Bolt, and Ace, I can relate to this game. I believe myself to be mainly a shorter Khloé with a dash of Bruce Jenner.)

He and his friends find Dash to have the impermanent, empty feeling of a "pop-up store," as if the whole enterprise was simply an excuse/set piece for the new tv show "Kourtney and Kim Take New York," and perhaps that is exactly what it is.

As for the clothes, Caramanica describes some selections thusly:

A floppy suede Eugenia Kim hat ($276) suggested a daytime Kourtney, or a nighttime Khloé. One of the store’s best items was a hooded draped black vest, by Rachel Pally ($226), suitable either for a post-yoga Kim, or stylish pagans.

Hee hee. There are also Kardashian-themed souvenirs and trinkets, like a $10 Kardashian bottled water. If you're into this kind of thing, the article is worth the full read. Kool kids krave Kardashian kicks!

Wonder Woman, Indeed

After seeing this photo of Miss Lynda Carter at the Kennedy Center Honors the other night, I hereby nominate everyone's favorite "Wonder Woman"' for the "First Annual Joan Collins Award for Excellence in Plastic Surgery--Age 59 and Older," created by me, your humble Felt Up blogette, in order to acknowledge truly AMAZING advances in the field of celebrity nip/tucks:

(image via wowreport)

Doesn't she look incredible? She was, of course, very beautiful to begin with, but whatever work she's had done is very tasteful and effective. She is still recognizably Miss Lynda Carter, but, you know, enhanced. She is almost 60 years old, people. (Take note, Meg Ryan. It is possible to have plastic surgery and not end up looking like a cross between The Joker and Alvin Chipmunk.)

'Tis The Season

For some reason, this photo of Felt Up Patron Saint John Waters and Justin Beiber makes me think of Christmas:

(image via zap2it)

It just seems so festive!